koala

The last few days have been grim. As much as it seems like I can now manage my depression, can modulate its intensity, and tolerate it (or even appreciate it as a kind of privileged insight), those concepts have been just that: concepts. No heart. No ability to give me a will to do anything. It started when the readership on the blog dropped off. That, in turn, began with my idea of putting my ‘spiritual philosophy’ out there. Either that direction bored, annoyed, or just did not get picked up in search engines. The problem for me was not the lack of readership, which no doubt will wax and wane. Rather, my incredible sensitivity to adversity has become a handicap.

The good news is, today I feel better. I awoke with a better perspective, and got the courage to turn on the computer and check out the inevitable fact that my blog has dropped off the radar. At first I had a rush of excitement when my email downloaded: a bunch of comments to my posts had rolled in! Then I realized that all of them were spam. And because I’d left them sitting there for two days, they encouraged more spam. So my site had been flooded. At least I was able to chuckle at the irony of my ‘popularity’ only being junk mail.

So, this blog isn’t supposed to be about me anyway. I started it to help others. From that view, if others don’t come, at least I’m fulfilling my intent to try. The tenderness of my feelings is the big problem. I’ve always been touchy, but now it’s become almost ludicrous. Having had so many disappointments and perceived failures in the past decade has taken my original sensitive area and rubbed it raw. I will try to use this last mood collapse as a lesson to not allow setbacks, actual or not, big or small, to affect me so deeply.

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