Note: the attribution for photos can be found by clicking on the image. Most are used via Creative Commons license, as is indicated in my footer. But it does not hurt to state it up-front occasionally.
It helped so much to get such kind comments after I blogged about my discouragement. How wonderful that the blogging community (at least in the mental health realm) is so supportive.
Today I worked at putting fixtures back up in our bathroom, after Mandy painted yesterday. It took the better part of a day to get it all restored to order. That normally would be fine, but I really wanted to write something extra interesting today. I wanted to show how much it meant to me that people responded, even as I thought no one was coming around anymore.
I like to look at meltdowns like the one just ending, and ask what can be learned. I already mentioned the problem with being too sensitive. The other issue that I see is the ever-present fear of abandonment. On another page of this site I placed the recent essay I wrote about my last memories of my mother. Watching her fade into deepening depression, and then die, left me with a sense that even those who love me (and I know my mother did) cannot be counted upon. Then I think about all the moving we did as I grew up (every year until I was ten), and the fact that I would go spend the summers relatives who would be really nice to me, but then force me to return to Los Angeles to be assaulted by my ‘evil stepmother’. So the idea that anyone will remain in my life seems pretty unrealistic.
Hence, I am always ready for the inevitable disappearance of those who matter to me. The surprising thing is that in the short time I’ve done this blog, having people read my little essays has become very important.
I could walk away with some growth here: 1. a sense that even people I’ve never met care; 2. a realization that feeling abandoned because my site statistics dip is not too healthy; 3. knowledge that I have found an activity that’s important to me, after years of little enjoyment of anything. (I could also add: 4. a reminder that to some extent I am still stuck in my childhood.)
So in the end, a valuable experience. Thank you to all who read this: you have helped me rediscover joy.
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Wellness Writer at http://bipolarwellness.blogspot.com
Dear Will,
I believe we can develop wonderful virtual communities of people who care about each other, and are very supportive. I also believe that it’s really important to have people listen to our stories and comment. I finally understand that the total numbers are less important–at least to me–than the comments that are usually made by a few regular readers who care about me.
And then every so often someone new comes into the fold. And once again I’m delighted to find another kindred spirit with like sensibilities!
Susan
Posted at July 27, 2009 on 9:15pm.
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Milo at http://likopoliom.blogspot.com
I hate the feeling of being abandoned too. It usually happened when mum left me on my own. I was really young but it is one of the most painful memories. I do get alot of comfort from loving my little dogie though. oh she is so fine and kind. I look after babies in my church theses days and really good at putting them to sleep. I think of it as a gift and keep sharing it. By the way Will, I went through your archives and read about your stepmum… I cried and I am sorry… so sorry and the good friend that passed away… that post brought tears to my eyes too. I think he was so lucky to have you as his friend. May he finally rest in peace… Amen
Milo
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 12:42am.
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Marian at http://diffthoughts.blogspot.com
I don’t know why you put #4 in brackets, as it seems the most important point to me. I think, all human beings have a certain fear of being abandoned. According to Maslow, the need for belonging is a basic human need. If you don’t feel accepted and loved by others – which is what it’s all about – you can’t develop self-acceptance or self-love. There are several ways to deal with a deficiency of self-acceptance and self-love. You can try and get people “hooked” on you, make and keep them dependent on you. Or you can keep them at arm’s length, push them away, respectively abandon them in your turn, before they ever get the chance to abandon you.
In either case, you’ll never have a satisfactory relationship with anyone. You’ll feel lonely, no matter what you do. Even if your blog gets several hundreds or thousands of hits and comments a day, it won’t really relieve the feeling of loneliness other than momentary and superficially.
So, what can you do? The usual: accept – that a) no matter what we do, we are always alone as person(alitie)s. Even the most symbiotic, possessive relationship leaves you alone, because it leaves no room for the other to be. So, you’re alone in it. The other is reduced to being an object of your desire, that is, to a part of yourself. Well, and that b) we’re all connected through our consciousness, through our true being, in being. Accept and let go, or: let be.
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 4:51am.
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ClinicallyClueless at http://ClinicallyClueless.blogspot.net
By witing this blog you are touching others with your honesty. I read your background and felt saddened by the major changes that you had to make. I took had to make major changes and found out how much stress working really is. It was my escape though.
I just started blogging about a year ago and my Clinically Clueless blog has been instrumental in my healing. Similar to what you said, the blog is not you, so don’t take things personally including the number of comments and visitors.
Take care,
CC
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 7:03am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Thank you, CC. Losing the ability to perform surgery, and hence my career, hit me hard. Despite that, I am much happier now than back then. Almost ten years have passed, and at first I felt miserable. Now, however, I am glad not to be stressed out all the time. Clinical work never ‘fit’ very well. I have ADD, and although the formal diagnosis came recently, I’ve always had trouble with details. That made being a doctor, especially a surgeon, especially an ophthalmic surgeon, quite a challenge for me. I did well once in practice, according to the feedback I got and the results I saw, but the training programs were brutal for me. Always afraid I’d forget some crucial detail. And sometimes, I did. Now I don’t have to worry about such things anymore. So same as you work was my escape, but I am better off not needing one. Yes?
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 5:08pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
As usual, Marian, you have made me think. Prompted what I plan to blog on today after responding to the comments.
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 5:10pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Milo, you strike me as so incredibly gentle and kind… I am glad you found my site and that you comment. You mentioned on your own site how you had gotten someone’s approval to put them on your blogroll. I had not thought to do that before. But can I place your site on mine?
Posted at July 28, 2009 on 5:12pm.
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Milo at http://likopoliom.blogspot.com
Oh my God Will! of course you can! of course you can! thank you!
Posted at July 29, 2009 on 12:56am.