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My last post wore me out, emotionally and physically, so I’ve needed a break. But here I sit again, ready to write. The prior essay centered on structural changes in synapses, and how those relate to difficulties with changes in either behavior or medications. Loss of serotonin receptors following SSRI antidepressant use (e.g. Prozac), leads to a dependence on the medication. When SSRIs are withdrawn, the brain no longer has the receptor capacity to work with the lowered serotonin level which follows. So we get depressed. I have experienced this repeatedly in my efforts to lower my antidepressant load.

The brain gets used to certain inputs. Many pleasurable activities and drugs of abuse increase dopamine. Like serotonin, dopamine is a neurotransmitter used by a minute fraction of the brain’s neurons. When the nucleus accumbens, or ‘pleasure center’, gets flushed with this chemical, one feels deep satisfaction, sensual gratification, or even euphoria. Later, when dopamine levels drop, one may develop a desperate craving to get another burst of it. Hence: addiction. Possibly behaviors that lead to unpleasant moods, like isolating or ruminating on worries and problems, provide short term release of neurotransmitters that our brains ‘like’, even though the end result is depression. This portrayal simplifies the situation, like describing an epic film with one paragraph. But my point is just that on some level much of how we feel, and what we think or do, comes from shifting movements in the symphony of chemical interactions in the brain.

So what does this all say about human nature? Are we ‘nothing’ but conglomerations of proteins, neurotransmitters, and other biological molecules? In the last post I also mentioned Jeffrey Schwartz, MD, and his hypothesis that in addition to neurons and associated brain cells, our minds consist of something non-material, which he calls ‘mental force’. This entity could just as well be called our ‘soul’, since he believes it determines our decisions under the principle of free will.

I don’t accept this proposal. Not because I think free will is an illusion, or because I don’t believe in souls. I have conviction that both exist and are the vital organs of human life. My opinion, however, is that both human ‘spirit’ and ‘will’ arise from the matrix of matter itself. The intricate and finely woven fabric of our brains makes freely determined decisions, and houses our divine spark. Humans look for miracles, yet all the time we seek them we are living in their midst. Not only that, but each one of us is divine in every sense of the word. We don’t need to postulate some ethereal force that exists detached from the trillions of cells, each a tiny universe of activity, which have grown in unison and become the mysteries we call bodies. God does not need to speak outside of matter, because our atoms and molecules already sing God’s song.

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To those who have faith in a different sort of deity: Maybe we aren’t of such opposing opinions. If you can accept that whatever God is, we don’t really understand it, then there is no disagreement. In that case, every sculpture humans carve of God or spirit must be incomplete. So who is to say whether we are looking at completely different icons, or just viewing the same monument from different vantages? If, on the other hand, your belief system is more fundamentalist and inflexible, and you cannot accept that other views might also carry a little truth, then you are probably not even reading this. But if you are, I hope you will just ignore my attempt at spirituality. Go ahead and consider me morally misguided, but still listen to the basic message: We have more power to improve our minds and lives than an industry based on selling psychoactive chemicals wants us to believe.

Even with the above proviso, I suspect that my spiritual ideas do not particularly interest those who visit this blog. So I’ll stop here with the philosophy. I only want to convince readers that whether by taking medications or changing our behaviors, we are tinkering with the intimate particles of our being. However, the two approaches (drugs and action) differ as coal differs from diamonds. They may be in the same category on some molecular level, but they diverge in beauty and endurance. Ingesting a chemical to improve one’s experience is akin to to reshaping an ice sculpture with a blow torch. The tool carries too much power, and acts too crudely to result in anything fine. “If you can’t feel better, drugs at least make you feel different.” At the price of (possibly) lifelong dependence on psychiatric chemicals, one (typically) gains a few months of relief from pain. Then, all too often, the pain returns. Only now depression comes encumbered with an addiction (what else to call it?) to drugs that no longer work. Stopping medications takes one from depression into the pounding heart of hell.

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Much better to work on meditating, improving spiritual sensitivity, exercising, and adjusting thought habits. Maybe drugs can help for a little while. If so, doctors should remain ever-vigilant for the first opportunity to start withdrawing them. Let us use finesse to chip and carve the ice that encases our moods. Take our time and work hard, and we can sculpt our depression into tragic but nonetheless beautiful memories.

I guess this is a repeat of my last message. Hopefully, since it is (a little) shorter, it will be more widely read. I yearn for it to help someone. This kind of thinking comes too late for me. I am already addicted to psychiatric medications and must struggle my way free. This writing project would fulfill both my spirit and my will if a recently diagnosed reader found it useful, and if it bolstered a non-medicated regimen of mood care. If you are that reader, I pray that the uncountable molecules of your brain begin to dance in harmony. I have faith that you will choreograph a lasting peace.

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