WillSpirit!

I have a few minutes to write about black and white. One of the pillars of a successful CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) program is to avoid ‘black and white thinking,’ and it is a perennial trial for me.

The ease with which people cling to extremes, and the trouble they have dealing with ambiguity, seem to be root explanations for much human dysphoria, not to mention disagreements and war. As I make a decision about the next step in my life, I have to work hard not to search for a single ‘perfect’ answer, and to remember that most outcomes are neither all-good nor all-bad. Even more important, when I assess my past, it is vital that I not label my choices ‘mistakes,’ just because I believe I would choose differently if given another chance.

If I decry the ten years I spent becoming a surgeon as wasted time, it immediately demoralizes me. Yes, the end result was bad arthritis and an early medically-compelled retirement. Not the best outcome, perhaps, but not an utter catastrophe. I was fortunate to have bought a pretty good disability policy, which has permitted me to explore a number of different interesting directions, and grants me the luxury of pursuing graduate study in creative writing. I would not have this freedom if I had gone a different way. Learning the anatomy, physiology, pathology, and skill sets needed by an ophthalmic reconstructive surgeon was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. My clinical work left me with a trove of stories to write about that I could only have built up by going through medical training. Yet there have been times when I’ve believed that entering medicine ruined my life. It has been a real challenge to say: “OK, becoming a surgeon was stressful and led to a career that damaged my body, and that I couldn’t sustain. One that did not suit a person of high anxiety, familial arthritis, and attention deficit disorder. Yet many benefits accrued.”

My wife and I sold a house in San Francisco at the same time that my career was collapsing. We moved 30 minutes north to a suburb I have never liked. Often this, too, has felt like a catastrophic choice. However, if I assess the results objectively, I recognize that I have made good friends here, and found a psychiatry clinic that guided me to better mental health than I’ve ever previously enjoyed (even if my psychiatric condition is far from perfect.) We also ended up building a retreat in the mountains, which we would never have done if we had kept the old place. The experience of designing and building was enriching, and the opportunity to spend time in the gorgeous area I remember fondly from my teenage days has been a Godsend. Despite these benefits, I remain certain that I would never have sold that San Francisco house if I had foreseen how things were going to play out. Yet it was not an complete rout.

As I plan my next move in this game of life, it helps me to keep this perspective. I need to remember that even if deciding to spend time and money improving my writing does not lead to the income I will eventually need, going back to school is unlikely to turn into a complete waste of effort and resources. If I can avoid thinking that things must either be ideal or they will destroy me, I feel less paralyzed and more able to choose.

Shades of gray are hard for people with intense and fluctuating moods. Whether you call this mental tendency ‘bipolar disorder,’ or just accept it as a human variation, it still requires one to take special care in evaluating and choosing. Given that I’ve spent my life feeling either pretty excited or (much more often) crushed by depression, I tend to view everything as if there are only two levels of quality: ‘perfect’ or ‘satanic.’ Other people, who live with less extreme emotions, must have an easier time recognizing that life is usually neither.

That’s my little meditation for today, a memo to myself as I try to make a choice without putting too much pressure on my psyche to find nirvana. I always appreciate the comments others leave when I mull these kinds of things, as your perspectives broaden my own. Best wishes to all.