Is it Half Full?

Mark p.s.2 left a comment raising the concept of ‘glass half-full’ vs ‘glass half-empty.’ As far back as I can remember, people have told me I’m ‘too negative.’ Advice such as ‘look at the bright side,’ or ‘count your blessings,’ came my way quite often. Evidently, I sounded negative and whiny.

It looks like I still do, and that this blog is making it obvious. That is not how I’ve seen myself, of course, but that’s not what matters. If others perceive me to be self-pitying, then it is my own fault. Perhaps by dwelling on what’s gone wrong I’ve given the impression I seek sympathy. It may be that some look at what I consider ‘problems,’ and feel they’ve dealt with worse and haven’t complained. If I have sounded self-centered, with too many petty grievances, then I am deeply sorry. My intent has always been to show what I’m confronting, and then discuss what seems to be working as I learn to cope. But it is quite possible I spend too much time on the former, and not enough on the latter. And I am very aware that my problems are not life-threatening, pushing me toward homelessness, or otherwise catastrophic. It embarrasses me to realize my blog makes me look like someone feeling sorry for himself.

As far as that glass is concerned, here is part of my response:

My agenda of late has been to see the glass neither as half full, nor half empty, but rather as containing 50% of its potential volume. That is to say, to see it as clearly and with as little judgment as possible. This is difficult ideal to attain, or at least to sustain, but it gives me the most stable sense of myself and my world. If I look at a glass as half full, it makes me feel better only until I realize I could just as easily see it as half empty.

The art of positive thinking has always eluded me. I try to maintain uplifting thoughts, but as soon as my focus relaxes, my mind wanders around to seeing things in a dark way. I can list all the benefits of a situation, but if I’m not consciously paying attention, my thoughts soon zero in on the downside. A born debater, my inner voice will always argue the negative view convincingly. My only remedy, as I see it today, is to recognize the difference between value judgments and reality.

Even as I work toward neutrality and objectivity, however, I do continue to bias my thinking toward the healthy view. In particular, I try to avoid all the thought-traps CBT warns us about: black & white thinking, catastrophizing, personalizing, generalizing, mind-reading, etc. But for all that, it is important that I hold my opinions lightly, whether they are making me feel better or worse.

That does not acquit me of self-pity, self-centeredness, or sense of entitlement. It only shows my strategy of dealing with my frustrations and disappointments, however trivial. I don’t consider myself a lucky person, but as is always the case, ‘things could be worse.’ Far worse.

That said, today is Thanksgiving in America, and it would be good to look at what is going well for me:

  • Mandy, my wife
  • Ralphy and Emily, our dogs
  • My writing, including my just-completed applications for MFA programs
  • My home and vacation retreat
  • My disability policy that allows me freedom to write, at least for now
  • My mental health, which has greatly improved over the past three years
  • My physical health, which is pretty good, and getting better as I wean off more medications
  • The San Francisco Bay Area, a lovely place I’ve called home since age seventeen
  • My education, which has been my main source of joy in life
  • My ACT therapist, who is helping me figure out how to live with this nutty mind of mine
  • Kaiser Permanente, which guided me to ACT after helping me recover
  • Alcoholics Anonymous and all the 12-step and other recovery groups that have helped me
  • My blog, and the friends I’ve made online
  • My medical and psychiatric breakdown in 2000, which ruined one life, opening the door for a new one
  • Whatever it is that makes the universe such a fabulous, mysterious place
  • My human brain, which gives me the capacity to recognize and try to understand the miracle that surrounds us

A pretty good list, yes? For today, I will try to look at my glass as half-full, while remembering that my opinion is only an opinion. Truth is deeper, more consistent, more dispassionate, and far more elegant. For today, I thank God, even though I have no idea what God is. And I am thankful even for that experience of not knowing.

Bless you all.