I wrote an essay about acceptance that was kindly placed on one of the blogs at PsychCentral by Tom Wootton of Bipolar Advantage. It drew an interesting comment there, and between that reader’s remarks and my response, some important aspects of acceptance were highlighted. Here is the comment:
What about a seriously debilitating mood problem, like suicidal depression? Acceptance of that could lead to suicide. Or a mania which causes a person to think s/he is being called to break into the White House to deliver a message from God? These are extremes but they do exist within the parameters of manic-depression/bipolar disorder. Acceptance is good if your disorder only takes you from “normal” levels of depression to non-extreme manias. But we need to be aware that medication can help people whose moods sway wildly.
Here’s my answer:
You make a good point, but I think you are talking about acquiescence rather than acceptance. It’s a fine distinction, but an important one. Acceptance, as I am using the word, means embracing reality. People become suicidal because they believe their mood to be intolerable. They literally can’t live with it; suicide is the opposite of acceptance. People often say, “I feel like killing myself.” In this case, acceptance means acknowledging that one is having suicidal urges, and then living with them. To kill oneself would be to reject everything and acquiesce to self-destructive tendencies.
The same is true of delusions. It is possible for people with psychosis to recognize the ungrounded nature of their urges, and resist them. In order to do so, however, they have to be willing to accept the unreality of their thinking. To act on a psychotic impulse would be to deny the existence of delusion, and acquiesce to (ultimately) self-destructive tendencies.
For the record, Bipolar Advantage does not rule out the use of medications, nor do I. However, it is pretty clear that they are over-promoted and over-used. Especially in the short term, they can help settle severe distress. On the other hand, acceptance of sadness is preferable to lifetime use of antidepressants. Furthermore, when one quits fighting depression, it often lightens a little. Mania and delusions need to be monitored closely. No one advocates allowing them to run unchecked, until a life lies in ruins. But hitting every bit of elevated feeling with a drug leads to over-sedation and other side effects. Plus, much of life’s texture gets lost.
It is important to be responsible at all times. That means making sure people remain safe, but it also means avoiding costly and damaging over-medication. Thank you for your comment, which helped me clarify my position on acceptance.
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susan at http://ifyouregoingthoughhellkeepgoing.blogspot.com/
Wow! You made Health Central! The Big time! Congrat’s! Very well deserved Will, that was a lovely piece. Here is a glass of cyber champers.. for you….
Posted at January 22, 2010 on 1:30pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Susan–
Thank you for the glass of bubbly.
–Will
Posted at January 22, 2010 on 2:14pm.
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Marv at http://YourWebsite
My practice is accepting “experience”, not accepting the “story” our mind tells us. Accepting whatever it is that we call sadness, loss, disappointment, despair, but not trying to accept the factiness of “I am worthless, therefore I should not exist”.
Posted at January 23, 2010 on 5:33pm.
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Margaret at http://YourWebsite
Just yesterday my therapist reminded me that the “depression voice” does not speak the truth to us. It lies, it distorts, it feeds us negativity.
Posted at January 23, 2010 on 5:43pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Margaret–
I’m not sure if you are suggesting that the need to counter this ‘depression voice’ negates the concept of acceptance. It doesn’t, at least not the way I’m using the term. Believing the content of a thought is different from accepting its existence. Often, until recently, my thoughts told me I was worthless. Even before the spiritual awakening that undercut the whole low-self-esteem thing, I learned to accept that those thoughts were running through my mind, and that it wasn’t the end of the world that I felt that way. Then, I was able to rationally argue against them. This is better, in my opinion, than denying that that such feelings even exist. It’s the difference between the childish trick of covering the ears and shouting ‘BlahBlahBlah’ in order to not hear someone, versus listening to what they say and then disagreeing. Once a thought is present in the mind, it is a fact. We can either deny and ignore it, or we can accept it and work on it. It’s a balancing act, of course. There is a point where one needs to simply redirect the thinking. But it is easier to do that from the place of ‘I can tolerate this but I choose to end it’ rather than reacting with fear and aversion. But I agree wholeheartedly that the mind can lie, distort, and feed negative energy into our experience.
–Will
Posted at January 27, 2010 on 10:36am.
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sharron at http://YourWebsite
I embrace my suicidal ideation with acceptance. I’ve learned that it’s dangerous not to. From a long history of child abuse and adult trauma, including an invasive cancer, I’ve been pushed to the very brink of wanting to end my life. What I seek at such times, is support to help me to endure the passage through this awful place, and to remain safe. Sometimes, the depression means suicide can feel inevitable. What I usually get hurled back at me, is anger, judgement, punishment – in the form of abusive put downs and refusal to support me when I seek help, or people who try to frighten the hell out of me about how much pain I’ll inflict on family and the terrible physical pain I’ll endure. I live in a country that has one of the highest suicide rates in the world + it doesn’t surpise me. I’ve even gone to a hospital emergency department, been humililated, forced to discuss my feelings on the phone in a public foyer and refused help. Humiliation seems to be the most commonly used response by mental health teams.
I’ve personally known 6 people who died all in different circumstances . My own mother overdosed many times and almost died the last time. anyone from NZ reading this, may understand what I’m talking about. S
Posted at January 29, 2010 on 10:20pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Sharon–
What a powerful statement.
If you’ve explored this site much, you know of my own familiarity with suicidal thoughts, and my own mother’s suicide. Like you, I grew up abused. I’ve been hospitalized twice, and tried three times to kill myself. Over the years I have taken dozens of medications, and spent more hours in therapy than I could possibly count. I’ve been damaged by therapists, institutions, and drugs.
Only when I began to get to get acquainted with my depression, instead of fighting it, did I begin to improve. It’s hard to sort out everything that finally fit together to bring me ease of mind, but acceptance was the centerpiece. In its largest sense, acceptance has helped me awaken to a broad perspective on life, and in so doing has freed from the worst of my suffering. If only I could figure out how to bring others to this peaceful place. This blog is my effort to try.
I doubt if very many people have had more experience with familial and personal depression than me, though I suspect many have had as much. I am no Pollyanna. Getting well has not been easy. But it is possible. It truly is.
Some of the keys are to 1) Remember that everyone suffers, and many suffer terribly; we are not alone. 2) Know that the universe offers support. There should be more available, but people do care, and resources can be found. The more you seek with an eye toward peace (and not just treatment), the more you find. 3) Remember that life is short, and it is a brief privilege to be alive. Suicide is always an option, but even unaided death will come sooner than any of us expect.
I wish you peace and clarity. I would be happy to answer any questions. Best wishes, and thank you for stopping by.
–Will
Posted at January 29, 2010 on 10:47pm.
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Lili at http://YourWebsite
It seems there are a few different perceptions of acceptance. I have always talked myself out of suicidal ideation. My thought though is that should I leave this world by own hand I will not feel myself weak. I’ll will have accepted it the way I accepted my life. I am not in any way a fan of psych meds anymore.
I believe that there are 6 billion people on 6 billion mental worlds but just as the planets in this galaxy co-exist so can we. Just as some implode or explode so can we.
Ride the waves as best you can.
Hugs
Posted at February 7, 2010 on 10:20am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Lili–
Sometimes I argue with my suicidal thoughts. But if I do some from a place of aversion and disgust, I make little progress. If I first accept my state of mind, I can gently work with it. I don’t mean to imply that suicidal thoughts should not be challenged.
–Will
Posted at February 7, 2010 on 9:29pm.