WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Browsing WillSpirit! blog archives for February, 2010.

Tilling for the Soul

PlowingGround

In my upcoming talk this Saturday, I hope to establish three central points: 1) People have the capacity for elevated, selfless modes of consciousness that go a long way toward easing psychic distress. Higher mind states do not lead to perfect happiness that never ebbs; rather, they make life enjoyable despite inevitable trials and jagged emotion. 2) Contrary to the standard model of mental health care, which expects emotional growth to be slow and arduous, people can abruptly transcend despair. 3) There are steps we can take to make such decisive transformations more likely.

My last blog entry touched on what’s been learned about elevated consciousness, and later I will come back to the issue of gradual versus sudden change. For today, let’s skip ahead to consider how we can promote ‘awakening’ experiences. To cover this territory in depth would require an entire book, and many texts and even bibles have been written to help people attain transcendence. Fortunately, my intended audience limits the scope of my endeavor. My goal is to provide suggestions that people can incorporate into ongoing programs of recovery from depression and anxiety. Even at my best, I don’t believe my elevated consciousness rivals that of a true spiritual leader. All I can claim is that regret, worry and despair no longer plague me. It would make my entire stormy life worthwhile if I could help one or two people transcend their labyrinths of remorse and terror, and ascend to a new state of mind.

Probably, those most prone to benefit will be those with long histories of misery, who feel like they can’t take much more pain. It was only because my desolation had become nearly unbearable that I finally saw the light. It seems probable to me that less wretched anguish would be less likely to push one to the precipice of decisive change. Certainly, most people who have described abrupt, transformative experiences had first descended to abject despair. By this reasoning, my audience will be people with severe dysphoria, who will likely have already explored a number of different pathways to relief. Many will have undergone therapy, many will have been prescribed medication, and many will have turned to spiritual programs. Prior work is important, because I believe one needs to build a foundation before one can fashion a spire into the heights of understanding.

Coming as I did from a catastrophic childhood, one necessity was time spent sorting through the conflicts and confusion bequeathed me by the dead past. My guess is that the greater the turmoil in one’s history, the greater the need to expend effort coming to grips with it. Probably most people with life-ruining depression will have had the benefit of at least a little therapy aimed at exploring the circumstances that predisposed them to such problems. This is a bit elitist of me, I realize, since it takes financial resources to get psychotherapy in our unjust society. I am not saying that one needs to spend many years and thousands of dollars hashing over one’s upbringing, but a bit of assistance from someone knowledgeable about the lingering effects of childhood trauma seems vital.

These days, the trend in psychotherapy is toward focusing on thought and behavior in the present rather than getting bogged down by the past. Although this is a positive and empirically supported development, I suspect that those with really difficult pasts may yet need to examine what happened. Running from the past is not the same as escaping it. On the other hand, in addition to therapy that addresses childhood trauma, recovery from depression and anxiety requires major changes in how we think and act. For this reason, it is helpful to learn the techniques of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and its many spinoffs. Whether these skills are learned from books, or from therapists, it is important to recognize the fundamental role of thought in despondence. When the mind does little but cycle through hidebound regrets, worries and obsessions, mental anguish will persist, impeding the journey to higher consciousness.

Today’s post begins a discussion of how psychotherapy, self-examination and thought management provide a foundation for steps toward transcendent awareness. I’ve tried to emphasize that my comments are directed to those with severe depression and anxiety, most of whom probably have histories of both childhood trauma and negative obsessional thinking. In one way or another, the childhood needs to be looked at; if therapy is out of reach, then journaling and reading might well suffice. In addition, one must learn to discipline thoughts, and cut down on negative rumination. The next post will continue this discussion of the groundwork that facilitates a journey to an elevated frame of mind. We are fortunate to live in an age when much has been learned about the roots of misery, and about how we can prepare the field for a blossoming future.

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Maturation of the Mind

Gandhi

There is a state of mind, known to religious men, but to no others, in which the … time of tension in our soul is over, and that of happy relaxation, of calm, deep breathing, of an eternal present, with no discordant future to be anxious about, has arrived.

William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience, 1902

James describes exactly the condition that I’ve been enjoying since the middle of January. However, he must be mistaken when he concludes that this state of mind is available only to religious men, because I am by no means religious. Setting that important discrepancy aside, the psychologist’s numerous case studies prove that a profoundly wise and peaceful state of human existence awaits us; our task is to find ways to achieve and retain this higher mode.

James’s classic compilation and analysis of spiritual growth experiences exerted a major influence on Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. It helped Wilson and his compatriots as they created a system to facilitate spiritual transformation in alcoholics. Here is Wilson’s description of his own awakening (from the ‘Big Book’ of AA, 1939):

All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence… A great peace stole over me and I thought, ‘No matter how wrong things seem to be, they are right’.

This transformative experience helped Wilson, a hitherto hopeless drunk, remain sober for the rest of his life. There was a time when I doubted that such a change was possible; I may even have questioned Wilson’s sincerity. But in the year 2000, after returning to AA following a long absence, I went through a series of experiences very similar to his. Here is a description of one of them, taken from a previous essay on this site:

I stood at a locus from which I viewed creation arising from subatomic scales to fill the entire span of the modern universe, in a near-instantaneous ‘vision.’ As I saw these things, I inhaled the atmosphere of all-encompassing love and ‘rightness’ that animates everything. I heard a chorus of celestial voices, and felt myself basking in a divine affection that erased all doubt that God existed, that life had meaning, and that I mattered.

Although that episode and others like it had an enormous impact on me ten years ago, I did not know how to maintain elevated states of understanding; as a result I sank back into a stubborn and miserable depression that crushed me for at least six years. Fortunately, as long term visitors here have read, transcendent awareness returned in January. As before, it was my work within the AA framework that made my heart receptive to transformation. Here is the result, once again quoting from an earlier piece (Note that this time around the experience did not feel referenced to ‘God’ or any other overtly religious concepts.):

I perceived the evanescence and formlessness of the human mind, the interplay between humans and nature, and how everything intertwines in the awesome depths of creation. The way the human spirit dwells amidst vast spreads of time, space, and scale became clear to me in ways that surpass words…The scope of this new perspective crushes into triviality many of my prior concerns.

Recently I’ve mentioned Quantum Change: When Epiphanies and Sudden Insights Transform Ordinary Lives, by William Miller and Janet C’de Baca. Like William James, these authors document many awakening experiences. Although James presented some transformations that came on gradually and others that were sudden, Miller and C’de Baca focus on ones that happened abruptly, as acute life-altering events. They cite many spiritual and secular leaders who have described swift openings of consciousness. The Buddha, Mahatma Gandhi, Mohammed, George Fox (the founder of Quakerism), Malcolm X, Florence Nightingale, Joan of Arc, Leo Tolstoy, C.S. Lewis, and saints Paul, Augustine, and Theresa of Avila all underwent rapid and profound transformations of consciousness. The list could go on and on.

Citing work of James E. Loder, Miller and C’de Baca tell us that such experiences unfold in a characteristic sequence. “Something disrupts the way in which the person has been perceiving reality and making sense out of life…’an insight, intuition, or vision appears’…frequently accompanied by a great emotional release and a deep sense of relief. Then, with time, the person integrates and interprets the experience…and new patterns of thought and action emerge.”

It is likely that these psychic events are generated by novel patterns of neurologic activity. In fact, patients with temporal lobe seizures recount rather similar feelings. In Phantoms in the Brain by V.S. Ramachandran and Sandra Blakeslee, the authors paraphrase such patients:

I finally understand what it’s all about. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life. Suddenly it all makes sense…I have insight into the true nature of the cosmos.

These patients have demonstrable anomalies in their brain waves, so in at least these cases the new consciousness can be traced to altered neural activity. Often such people retain their elevated understanding of cosmic significance even between acute episodes. The authors speculate that new neural channels are opened that “permanently alter—and sometimes enrich—the patient’s inner emotional life.” These patients have seizure disorders, but there is every reason to suspect that even the brains of people without electrical abnormalities can be decisively transformed by powerful spiritual episodes.

In the five weeks since the onset of my altered consciousness, I have indeed observed major alterations in my ‘inner emotional life’. As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, the change has by no means left me in an unwavering state of bliss; the heightened and peaceful awareness comes and goes. Sometimes despair threatens to reassert control. On the other hand, I am learning that by taking some simple and concrete steps I can bring myself back into alignment and sidetrack my old neurotic patterns.

My message today is straightforward: humans have the capacity for elevated states of consciousness that reduce psychic distress. These psychological modes open the mind to broader ways of seeing life, reveal order and refuge in the cosmos, and often increase one’s desire to behave altruistically. Because they remove people from the narrow, egocentric and damaging patterns that society encourages from birth, these improved frames of mind may represent a natural maturation of the human mind. They can occur as religious epiphanies, but they can also develop as completely secular insights. Subsequent posts will explore the ways a person can make such transcendence more likely and more robust.

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Three Points

Trident

On this coming Saturday, the 27th of February, I am slated to give my first presentation about mental health. The talk will only last fifteen minutes, so it’s not a big deal, but the location and timing are unusual. The venue will be a hospital about an hour’s drive from my home, and it happens to also be the institution that confined me when I suffered a manic psychosis almost exactly a decade ago. In fact, my last full day at the medical center where I performed oculoplastic surgery was the 27th of February 2000. (It was the loss of my career—due to severe arthritis in my neck—that led to my psychiatric breakdown.) I wonder if there is a bit of serendipity in the fact that this first chance to speak publicly about my new domain of interest falls on the ten-year anniversary of my prior career’s collapse.

Off and on throughout my life synchronicity has seemed to play a role in the major turning points. In my more open-minded states I wonder if there exist complicated cause and effect relationships that result in such remarkably timed opportunities; some events seem to ‘fit’ too perfectly to be explained by happenstance completely unconnected to my trajectory through life. At this moment, I’m uncertain and feel more inclined to dismiss the possibility of ‘cosmic’ meaning. Maybe it’s because my luck has been dismal for so long that this oddly timed opening doesn’t stimulate a feeling of: “Wow! How perfect!” Instead, my thoughts are more along the lines of: “It’s about time something went right!”

Either way, my task now is to clarify my message. Visitors to this blog have seen my philosophy evolve over many months. At one time I started to argue the thesis that neither science nor logic rule out the possibility of a Universal Consciousness permeating the cosmos. (I had planned to cite the frequent occurrence of serendipitous events as one support for this assertion.) The several posts I wrote on that topic primed me for a profound ‘breakthrough’ experience in January, which made completing the argument unnecessary. The ‘awakening’ also had the effect of sharply reducing my psychological distress; worry and depression faded to a mere fraction of their former intensity. So one point I want to make in this upcoming talk is that there exists a state of consciousness that greatly reduces psychic suffering.

This enlightened condition has been described many times, both by individuals and investigators such as William James. I mentioned the book Quantum Change in my last post; William Miller and Janet C’de Baca demonstrate that people can attain this elevated consciousness swiftly, and sometimes almost instantaneously. Contrary to the western mental health model wherein years of strenuous psychotherapy are intended to promote slow and gradual improvement, Miller and C’de Baca show that change can occur as a more-or-less sudden event. That will be my second point in this upcoming talk: elevated mind-states can develop abruptly.

The third point will revolve around ways we can make such sudden elevations of consciousness more likely to occur. In fact, there is already a well-known mental health treatment system designed to do just that; since the 1930’s Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has been guiding people to spiritual awakening. The DSM (a manual used by mental health professionals to classify psychiatric conditions) lists substance abuse disorders as mental illnesses, so it is appropriate to consider AA as a mental health program. However, the 12 steps of AA are not directly applicable to pervasive psychiatric issues like depression and anxiety. They have a number of phrasing problems that make them inappropriate for that purpose. In my talk, I hope to point out ways that the 12 step system could be streamlined and modified to make it work for emotional distress.

In coming days I may elaborate on each of the three points just presented. Not only will discussing them here further spread the message (a little), it will help me prepare for my brief talk. This would be a great time for me to receive comments, since I could incorporate suggestions into my upcoming presentation.

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Praying for Selflessness

Prayer

Prayer draws us near to our own souls. (Herman Melville)

Last time, I made the point that (at their best) most religions promote a state of mind that dethrones ego. This elevated condition goes by many names: Christ-consciousness, selfless awareness, enlightenment, etc. Anyone following this blog knows that I have been blessed with this frame of mind off and on since mid-January.

When I am fully installed in it, my petty concerns melt away, and my heart feels full and grateful. I don’t worry about my future, or fret about my past. Criticism goes silent. In its place comes a nonverbal belief that life is acceptable in every way. Not that I’m unaware of the need for improvement; in particular, working toward greater selflessness becomes more important than ever. But life seems calmer, easier, and more beautiful.

When I give up all resistance, and settle into this accepting and loving mode, the world feels sacred. It is easy for this awesome feeling of peace to take on a religious character. The first time I experienced it, in 2000, I felt embraced by God. At one point, Jesus spoke to me, directly and in person. It was a profound religious moment that led me to convert to Catholicism.

In the years that followed, I read a lot about spiritual experiences. In particular, I educated myself about the neurological underpinnings of transcendent consciousness. I found out that there are regions in the brain (e.g., the temporal lobes) that seem to be activated during profound states. Others (e.g., the left parietal lobe) may become quiet. Learning these facts led to a series of changes in my outlook. At first, I concluded that these brain structures must be the portals through which God operates. Later, doubt crept in, and I started wondering if the experiences were simply seizure-equivalents; perhaps ‘it was all in my head’. Over time, regardless of what I believed, I settled back into egocentrism, more depressed than ever.

This year, after I again encountered Peace of Mind, I realized it doesn’t much matter whether it is a purely biological condition versus something of divine origin. These are the important points: 1) this state of mind has been experienced by many people; 2) it does not depend on any particular belief system; 3) it erases my depression whenever it is active; and 4) it makes me want to be a better person.

In Quantum Change: When Epiphanies and Sudden Insights Transform Ordinary Lives, William Miller and Janet C’de Baca describe many swift transitions from common ego-bound human neurosis, into exactly the state of grace I’m describing. The transformations felt like gifts (often in the midst of crisis) rather than earned rewards. The authors maintain neutrality about the origin of these changes, but they emphasize that many lives were permanently improved.

In my case, the improvement has not been exactly permanent; my feelings of transcendence wax and wane. A few days ago I suffered food poisoning, and selfless consciousness evaporated. Within hours I felt as miserable and depressed as ever. I’ve been working to realign myself ever since. At first I tried meditating, walking in nature, exercising, reading and writing. Nothing seemed to help.

Then I did something new: I prayed. Not to God, because my atheist upbringing makes belief in God challenging for me. I needed to pray to something that I knew existed. So I prayed to that deeper part of my mind that is so much wiser than me. I know, from firsthand experience, that something within me understands the world in a holistic way that erases anxiety and depression, so I prayed to that part of myself, and asked it to rise again. I begged my deeper ‘Spirit’ to come to the surface and take over. My ‘Will’ admitted that it was making a hash of things. It surrendered.

Praying worked: before long I felt the warmth again. I watched the anxieties fall away, the depression lighten, the smile and the love return. I found that surrendering to this deeper part of myself, through the mechanism of verbal prayer, brought me back to my center.

There are those who will believe that God must have played a part here. Why rule that out? Perhaps God is open-minded enough to accept my ego’s surrender, even if the surrender was not specifically directed toward God.

But it is also possible that this act of prayer merely allowed my deeper nature to step into the driver’s seat. My ego admitted it needed to hand off the wheel, and that allowed my heart to start directing things again.

Whatever the mechanism, the transformation was effected, and I feel more contented, more accepting, and more motivated to be a better person. Isn’t that all that matters? And if orthodox religions can bring others to this place of comfort and growth, then shouldn’t we respect them for it?

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Religion: One Road to Selflessness

BuddhaTree2

Yesterday an editor from a philosophy magazine sent me an email. How he got my address is a mystery, since he seeks a priest, which I obviously am not. He wants an essay to counter the arguments of the ‘New Atheists’ (e.g., Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and Daniel Dennett), specifically by advancing the thesis that religion is a positive force in modern society. Although this editor reached me by mistake, I responded to his email by suggesting an opinion piece that would address the value of nonverbal states of consciousness, and how their attainment is one of the main benefits of religious activity. Although I have not read every book by every New Atheist, it is nonetheless clear that their arguments largely neglect this important reason why humanity seeks (and needs) ‘spiritual’ solutions.

A common theme in New Age philosophy is that problems arise when ‘ego’ gets out of control (Eckart Tolle, among others, does a good job of articulating this concept). More to the point, many of the most ancient spiritual systems arose after their founders discovered ways to shatter the ego-centered mind, and get in touch with selfless states of consciousness. The New Atheists often rebut claims that religions improve human charity, but I do not see them addressing the fact that religions help some people achieve a state of consciousness deeply rooted in selflessness, humility and surrender. Even if the atheists are correct, and on average religious people are no more ‘upright’ than others, it is also true that highly motivated seekers can use spiritual practice to escape the ego’s tyranny and destructiveness. Promoting the attainment of this enlightened state of mind is perhaps the most valuable function of religion, even if it often gets buried under layers of doctrine and hierarchy. Until the New Atheists recognize humanity’s need for ego-suppression, they will fail to win over many people who value spiritual development. They will simply be missing the point.

An oft-repeated New Atheist hypothesis is that religious tendencies evolved to buffer humans from a paralyzing terror of death. This viewpoint reduces spiritual aspirations to little more than fearful magical thinking. I’m often surprised to read long speculations about this proposed origin of religion from authors who claim to value ‘proof’ (and who insist their reliance on empiricism sets them apart from religions). With current information, we simply cannot know why people became religious in the course of evolution. Although fear may have played a role, it is equally likely that spiritual yearning evolved because there is survival value in remaining cognitively balanced. Individuals, families and societies suffer when people base their lives solely on the shallow concerns of the ego.

Personally, having been raised as an atheist and then trained in the western biomedical tradition, I see no need to invoke supernatural forces to explain or appreciate the universe. In that sense, I have no strong objection to the New Atheist opinions about ‘God’ and religious dogma. On the other hand, I see great value in overturning the self-absorbed mindset that is so widespread in our culture. Religion, at its best, promotes exactly this kind of transformation in people. The New Atheists, unfortunately, seem so heavily invested in linear thought that they fail to grasp the value (or even the existence) of any other type of consciousness. One does not need to be ‘religious’ to achieve a state of selfless nonverbal awareness, but it is the primary path available to most people. Because New Atheists seldom address one of the primary roles of spiritual systems, their well-argued views remain shallow and unappealing.

That, anyway, is the argument I proposed to the magazine editor who is putting together an issue about New Atheism. Since he specifically seeks a priest, I doubt he will be receptive to my suggestion. But because I believe these viewpoints to be valid, it makes sense to post them here, in the only forum readily available to me.

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First Love

Lovers2

After perusing a variety of texts about spiritual growth, I better understand the universality of my recent stirring mind states. This perspective helps, because it is easy to get carried away after numinous experiences. Hopefully, visitors will forgive my naïve enthusiasm and beginner’s ignorance.

It is no secret that profound experiences have blessed many people around the world and throughout human history. Those committed to spiritual paths devote their lives to seeking and exploring such epiphanies, and no doubt enjoy far greater understanding, equanimity, and wisdom than I ever will. My purpose here is only to describe my particular journey, and perhaps offer hope to others burdened with chronic depression. The most important fact of my ‘breakthrough’ is that it has swept away most of my misery. Even when I stumble and feel defeated for a few days, the memory of a better place remains, and the ease with which I exit the darkness astounds me. Six months ago my plan was to learn how to live a full life in spite of depression. That I would ever be completely free of it, even temporarily, seemed impossible. Before, in my best frames of mind, there remained patches of depression that threatened me with shade, like scattered clouds on an otherwise sunny day. Now I spend the majority of my time feeling light and balanced, with no ominous darkness on the horizon. And when depression does descend it doesn’t linger, it leaves behind no shadow, and while it lasts I appreciate its solemn beauty (most of the time, at least).

The Varieties of Religious Experience, by William James, is familiar to many western seekers of spiritual growth. The book describes the vast range of spiritual frames of mind, and the large variety of ways we reach them. Sometimes a person achieves transcendence after years of meditation, study, and intention. Spiritual awareness accumulates gradually as the result of such effort, with progress punctuated by moments of sudden growth. But a life of seeking is not required. Not infrequently, a person ‘awakens’ in the aftermath of catastrophic stress or after collapse into utter despair. Crisis and failure offer us the opportunity to give up the fight and drop all barriers. The reward can be a flood of clarity, acceptance, and universal love.

If I were to classify my current situation, it would fall between those extremes. Although I have certainly not devoted my life to a quest for meaning, I nonetheless have been studying and searching. And despite a decade of bad luck, nothing in the past year has been particularly awful, nor did my ego disintegrate in an acute moment of hopelessness.

The nature of my recent spiritual experiences also lies between extremes. Ten years ago a series of ‘visions’ transported me into a mood of wide-eyed ecstasy, a kaleidoscope of marvelous sensory experiences, and a conviction that I had seen and spoken with God. A more magnificent and soul-quaking episode would be hard to imagine. However, much of the mental content was unbalanced, irrational, or poorly grounded. Although the clarity and salience of recent weeks equaled those of the earlier episode, they were not accompanied by ecstasy or hallucinations. As I’ve discussed, strictly supernatural beliefs played no role. Instead, what I know to be true about how the world is structured and how my life has unfolded took on a new light. Every particle of my mind understood that the universe is both dispassionately random, and lovingly numinous. This sounds paradoxical when stated in words, but from a state of exquisite nonverbal awareness, it made perfect sense. This solidly sane sacred experience felt just as profound as the arguably insane ‘religious visions’ of a decade earlier. But it was a little less intense, and was free of ‘delusional’ and ‘hallucinatory’ content.

Looking at the other end of the spectrum, I’ve explored mindfulness meditation for some years, and the recent ‘awakenings’ felt akin to the state of wordless peace that comes with such practice. The way I felt intensely ‘alive’, for instance, mirrored the way mindfulness brings one in touch with one’s body and sensory surroundings without the intervening filter of the verbal mind. In fact, three days ago it was a combination of meditation and acupuncture that returned me (for a whole afternoon) to the frame of resonant clarity that began with my spiritual retreat in January, and which is becoming more and more familiar. But the psychic impact of my recent moments of understanding exceeded that of even the deepest meditative states I’d previously achieved.

Experienced practitioners probably read my descriptions with a bit of amusement. I must sound like an adolescent who has just discovered sensual romantic love, and thinks he or she has stumbled on something personal and exceptional, when in fact it is universal and expected. But even if everyone else already knows about such love, it’s new to the teenaged romantic, and soul-penetrating clarity is new to me. So I hope those further along this path will indulge my childlike wonder.

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Wise Waters

AmazonAbove

Along with time, meditation and acupuncture have restored my balance. Most of this afternoon I enjoyed the same clarity and awareness that permeated my being after my January spiritual retreat. There is less upwelling of my spirits this time; the mood is solemn rather than elated. This time around, it is like being in the presence of a great work of art: one remains quiet and reverent before such beauty. A month ago, it was as if I had exited a dimly lit room and stepped into the thrill and lightness of an afternoon in springtime.

I believe the repeated loss and regaining of Peace (with a capital ‘P’) have educated me. It is as if the waters of awareness become familiar as I watch them ebb and flow, and the fact that I have only limited ability to summon a flood tide becomes more obvious. With meditation, I can bring myself to the shore, but whether the sea rises to meet me depends on deeply unconscious or even celestial forces. All I can do is walk onto the warm sands, and wait for the ocean’s embrace.

Sometimes the surf comes with great force, and sometimes it develops slowly. Sometimes I get only a brief moment’s splash, and yet in January I remained immersed for nearly two weeks. In the past few days I’ve experimented with various methods of opening my heart to this mysterious water. Today it rolled in powerfully during my acupuncture session, but only because I settled my mind, moved my consciousness into my chest and heart, and tried to be as receptive and present as possible. I pictured myself adrift in the currents of time. I saw how events and circumstances have always moved by me in time’s flow; today, I tried not to grasp for what’s coming, or cling to what has already drifted by. With that practice, I found myself first lapped and then engulfed by the liquid of quiet clarity. Every time I ‘liked’ the experience, it receded, but when I simply accepted the comings and goings without evaluating or trying to influence them, my being sank deeper and deeper into wordless understanding. Ever since I left the acupuncture suite I’ve been exploring the quirks and eddies of this vast sea. I see how it is endlessly shifting, and yet unchanging. Present only in this moment, and yet eternal.

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Try, Try Again

IMG_2309

Those visitors who expressed reservations about the finality of my spiritual enlightenment had just cause for concern. For two weeks after my supposed awakening, a newfound clarity made life easy and rewarding. Thoughts of helping seemed natural, and I enjoyed abundant energy for my mission of guiding others away from depression. But then reality intruded on my peace. My wife and I live adjacent to San Francisco Bay, very close to sea level. As rainy weather continued for weeks, I began to hate the damp cold. When the sun wasn’t obscured by rain clouds, it shone only dimly through a low shroud of mist, and the shadowy light began to get me down. Unwisely, I discontinued one of my medications after months of slow tapering. Prompted by someone else’s comment, which had little to do with my situation, I became obsessed with futile thoughts of reentering medicine. And then there was the lukewarm (at best) reception of my new ideas about how to alleviate depression; no one in either my day-to-day life or on the internet seemed particularly interested. It turned out to be more than my fragile psyche could bear.

The low feelings were tolerable for about a week. During that time my thinking remained balanced, and I patiently waited for the cycle to play itself out. I endeavored to meditate consistently and stay centered. But finally the downward pressure on my spirits overcame me. Yesterday it took all my strength just to drag myself to the gym for thirty minutes. As used to be routine, I found myself wondering, “what’s the point?” Having sunk to this level frustrated me all the more because I know better. What happened to my insights into the true nature of human life? Where went the new alignment of my priorities? Meditating on the unity and rightness of the cosmos brought only temporary wisdom and peace. By yesterday the depression had progressed into a suicidal realm. I simply could not let go of obsessions about my flawed personality, my lack of productivity, my chronic isolation, and my unpromising future. Self. Self. Self.

It would be nice to say everything feels fine today. I would love to announce that selflessness has returned with the same forceful clarity as before; certainly, I am closer that goal. But it’s an uphill battle. It makes me revisit my old conviction that a chemical imbalance contributes to my unhappiness. Perhaps there are depressed corners in my brain that ego suppression won’t always reach. I resist that conclusion for now, and continue to work on regaining that thrilling and heartfelt understanding of my true nature. I hope to reconnect with my recent, stirring awareness of the transience of my problems, and the importance of altruism. If intention is enough, I will get better. Things do seem a little lighter today.

Of course, today the sun also shines outside my window, and I enjoy a nice view of water, wetlands, and little Mt. Burdell in the distance. That alone helps alleviate the heaviness. (The picture heading this post was taken through my window just now, in late afternoon light.)

It’s a good sign that I’m here writing. For several days there seemed to be little point. Even with my posts occasionally appearing at PsychCentral, there has been scant evidence to suggest that my message is catching on. For several days before today, every session at the computer ended with the thought, “why bother?” I felt overwhelmed by the fact that blogs are inefficient at attracting readers, and the necessity of delivering my message on Facebook instead. That site doesn’t appeal to me, and the idea of aggressively finding ‘friends’ is unpleasant, to say the least. I’ve toyed with abandoning writing on the internet altogether.

But now I’m back. It helps to let go of all attachment to ‘carrying a message’. Soon after my transcendent experiences, it seemed absolutely vital for me to spread the word that depression can be lightened by escaping ego dominance. Today, I can accept that my role may simply be to enjoy the fruits of that truth. I am more able to accept that I may lack the personality, skills and energy needed to educate others. In fact, right now it feels like I’m under a spiritual mandate to experience exactly these limitations, without resistance. It is an important, though painful lesson.

It comes with an interesting twist. I see more than the mere acceptance of failure; I understand the need to keep trying in spite of it.

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The Tyranny of Self

Prisoner

In one of those strange and common coincidences, after completing the last post about altruism I came across someone else’s elegant discussion of the exact same issue. The late Carl Sagan and his wife, Ann Druyan, published Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors in 1993. They discuss altruism early on, and their take on the relevant principles of behavioral ecology is (not surprisingly) better informed than mine. To account for the widespread occurrence of apparent altruism, they invoke a diffusion of the instincts that support kin selection. In brief, they suggest that if there is a strong likelihood that neighbors share genes, then a blanket policy of helping out will tend to spread. Anyone interested would do well to read the book. It gives a nice history of the biology of the human race, and offers insightful observations about the possible sources of many Homo sapien characteristics.

But the roots of altruism are not as important as its effects. Regardless of why animals and people sometimes help one another, we can take comfort that the behavior occurs. If everyone acted with relentless selfishness, we would stand little chance of surviving the many crises we face as a species. Even though we are spoon fed a consumerist ethic that glorifies self-gratification, there are many people who devote themselves to the common good.

Having people ‘out there’ who like to help is a delightful thing. Even better is having an inner desire to help others. The last essay alluded to the fact that altruistic behavior makes people feel good. Every time we set selfish interests aside, and devote our energies to larger concerns, we grow wiser and more mature. The minute we quit focusing on our personal and constricting worries and problems, and start seeing the difficulties faced by others, we find that life is easier to bear. One sad fact about depression is that it encourages us to retract into ourselves and expend energy in fruitless battles against psychic demons. Unfortunately, dark moods and pessimistic attitudes get stronger the more we attend to them. It is far more healing to look outside and help others than it is to gaze inward in hopes of defeating our many internal enemies.

By adopting an altruistic attitude we gain by: 1) taking attention away from negative obsessions; 2) seeing our problems from a broader perspective; and 3) developing connections with other people. Let’s consider these in turn.

1) No one has ever cured an obsession by obsessing about it. The best way to escape negative cycles of thought and mood is to shift attention away from them. Although thinking differently about a tough situation can reduce pessimism, it is often better to not think about it at all. When we contemplate a potential loss, we should be careful not to exaggerate its likelihood, or overestimate its negative impact, or ignore our sources of support. But unless there is concrete action we can take right now, we will find the greatest relief by diverting our thoughts toward something else. And one of the most healing things to think about is how we can help another person.

2) As soon as we search for ways to help others, we awaken to the fact that suffering is widespread. Whatever our problems and fears, there are people who have greater difficulties and more to worry about. Seeing this, we recognize that much of the world shares our anxiety. We begin to feel gratitude for what is good in our lives, rather than anger and terror about what is—or might become—bad.

3) We also start to meet people who face similar problems. We find that by offering them support, we receive a measure of comfort in return. We enjoy richer connections with our fellow travelers on this lovely planet. The torment of isolation gives way to the treasure of community.

Aside from these concrete benefits, opening our arms to help others is a good way to escape being dominated and tormented by the egocentric parts of our minds.

Our biggest problem is not that we live in a difficult world. Our suffering does not come from outside. Our biggest challenge is overcoming the verbal and logical mind’s conviction that it is the most important object in the universe. Not only does the ego disregard the suffering of other people, it denies the value—and often the very existence—of older and wiser parts of the human brain. It insists on satisfying its endless hungers before it permits feelings of contentment. Since those appetites are rarely sated for more than a few moments at a time, the ego keeps us on an endless treadmill of striving and self-aggrandizement. The best gift of altruism is that it begins to free us from the clutches of this internal and miserable tyrant.

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The Nature of Altruism

PrairieDog

Evolutionary biologists question whether there is any such thing as true altruism. The problem is that most, if not all, natural selection operates on the level of individual fitness. It is therefore difficult to see how genes for genuine self-sacrifice could survive the dispassionate fact that if you give up your resources (or life) for a stranger, you help someone else reproduce at the expense of your own chances to leave offspring. Any gene that promotes truly self-sacrificing behavior will tend to be eliminated due to diminished reproduction, unless it promotes self-sacrifice in the other guy. This seemingly bleak conclusion accounts for some of the uneasiness that the theory of natural selection provokes in religious circles. What happens to moral principles if altruism is an illusion?

Long ago, a girlfriend’s grandmother opened my eyes to a rather cold-hearted view of generosity. A Belgian aristocrat, she had ideas quite foreign to my liberal Californian values. She believed that even when people behave charitably, they primarily do it to make themselves feel better. These do-gooders only look selfless; in reality, they are self-righteous and self-congratulatory. She argued that empathy is merely disguised pity, and that generosity is nothing but a tool for ego-inflation.

Even though the concept of altruism faces these challenges, we cannot deny that it is one of the cornerstones of humane behavior. Must we discard the widespread belief that good people act selflessly, and conclude that in reproductive and/or emotional terms, those who appear to sacrifice themselves actually accrue net benefits?

In nature, one often sees what looks like altruism. The prairie dog that barks when a hawk flies overhead seems to risk its life for the sake of the group. The raptor will swoop down and catch that critter preferentially, will it not? But careful observations have shown that alarm calls improve the survival chances of the caller, not just the group. In those cases where reproductive fitness is genuinely sacrificed for the welfare of another animal, further examination typically reveals that the animals are relatives. A basic principle of natural selection is that individuals can often pass more of their genes on to the next generation by helping kin (who share those genes) than by pursuing personal survival. These behaviors do not count as strict altruism, since the end result is greater transmission of the responsible genes.

In the human world, true altruism is easier to find, although some examples that come first to mind don’t count. A mother running in front of a bus to push her child out of the way does not, in biological terms, perform a net sacrifice (she may very well ensure propagation of her genes by this rescue). A fireman running into a building is ‘only’ doing his job (albeit a dangerous and noble one). One can even discount the commonly reported battlefield heroics, because soldiers are indoctrinated to think of one another as (effectively) brothers. So saving a fellow combatant may represent activation of the genetically acquired tendency to support the survival of kin.

Despite these cold-hearted critiques, it seems safe to conclude that some examples of self-sacrifice are truly altruistic. They are not done to save kin (genetic or cultural), and are not done as part of paid employment. This does not close the door on the cynical attitude that charity is a way of puffing up the self, but I believe that argument is specious anyway. Everything we do, at all times, we do because on balance it seems like the correct response to the circumstance. Of course doing good things makes us feel good about ourselves; but that does not mean we aren’t genuinely concerned about the person we help. Jesus made a point of criticizing those who perform charity loudly, for show, and there are certainly times when people do ‘good works’ in order to garner attention and respect. But there are also many who are motivated by sincere kindness toward strangers.

But that isn’t my point. For the sake of argument, let’s presume that every act that looks altruistic is actually self-serving. Even if charitable acts are performed for selfish reasons, they still help. Better that people do the right thing for the wrong reasons, than never do the right thing at all. And how could it be a bad thing that a generous person benefits from helping someone out?

Regardless of its root cause, the fact that people (and even animals) sometimes put others before themselves is a beautiful feature of life. We should nurture selfless tendencies, even if they initially arose from selfish causes. Every spiritual system I’ve studied values helping others, and for good reason. Like humility, ego abandonment, and mental discipline, altruism promotes emotional wellness in both the giver and the receiver.

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