WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Browsing WillSpirit! blog archives for March, 2010.

My Father Speaks

wcmeecham

In preparing to enter the alternative medicine arena, and hence work again professionally, I did an internet search on my name to see what currently pops up. I came across this letter from my father to the American Physical Society, written long ago (he died in 2003). His admirable insistence on respecting people of all classes and backgrounds comes across, as does his unfortunate tendency toward sarcasm. I find it interesting that he wrote this, because he opposed my decision to enter medicine back in the eighties. He held a low opinion of doctors and medicine (but apparently only western medicine), and wanted me to become a scientist like him. To his credit, he eventually apologized for his attacks on my choice, but until then his sharply worded opposition had left me feeling angered and hurt. Perhaps he would have approved of my new direction. I’d like to think so.

“ALTERNATIVE SCIENCE” SHOULD NOT BE DISCOUNTED

The persons quoted in the article on alternative science, among them James Randi, attack homeopathic medicine, among other more appealing targets. I don’t read that they have MD’s to begin with. Alternative medicine is fast becoming more than respectable; California insurance companies reimburse for such remedies, for instance. There is a large portion of our brains devoted to the subconscious. Many believe these “alternative” healing methods are aimed at gaining help from that part of our being. I think the speakers are aware of Freud’s and Jung’s efforts.

Let’s be a little more cautious. This kind of sophomoric parading should be reserved for high school (or prep school, as the case may be).

And on that subject there is a demented kind of elitism evident in the quoted remarks: “grade school education” (not meant as a compliment) and “backwoods mechanic with grease under his fingernails”, which speaks for itself. You can be grateful that the publication is not read by the general public, or even by congressmen.

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Synchronicity

Synchronicity

Against my better judgment, over the years I’ve become convinced that serendipity is real. Too many things in my life have happened too coincidentally for me to believe that advantageous circumstances don’t come into alignment more frequently than would be expected by chance alone. The mechanism by which this happens is unknown, and possibly unknowable. None of the events I’m thinking of could have been predicted, and that is usually the case. Without predictions, one can’t perform experiments, so there may be no way to scientifically prove that anything unusual is going on. And whatever underlies synchronous events, it must take the long view. People and circumstances move toward one another over years, decades, and entire lifetimes until they meet at just the right moment.

Many examples of serendipity have arisen since I made the decision to enter acupuncture as a new profession. For instance, consider the name of this blog: WillSpirit. I thought of it one weekend in May, 2009. In looking for an available domain name that would fit my philosophy and also be easy to remember, I’d encountered frustration after frustration. Every ‘good’ name was either already being used by a site or had been captured by one of the myriad companies that stockpile unused domain names and then sell them. But for some reason, when I thought of WillSpirit, the phrase was available. This alone surprised me; almost every word combination that made any sense had been grabbed. But I was very pleased with the name, and took it.

After it was mine, I naturally Googled it, and I found one top reference to be from a site promoting a book by Joseph Helms, MD. It described the biopsychotype of Will/Spirit, one of the three body/personality types recognized by Dr. Helms. Of the three, Will/Spirit clearly fits me the best. I made note of that correspondence, and then put the concept out of my mind.

Then, when I decided to enter acupuncture, I started looking for training programs. It turns out that the most prominent of the programs designed for physicians, which has trained more than 80% of US physician acupuncturists, is a program run by the same Dr. Helms. Remember that when the name WillSpirit occurred to me I had no interest in pursuing acupuncture, and did not choose the name for any reason related to it. Nor had I ever heard of Dr. Helms or biopsychotypes. So it strikes me as one of those odd coincidences.

If it were the only such event, it could be brushed off. But several similarly odd coincidences have been cropping up around this new career choice. As I talk to other people, I find that most people who are open to the possibility remember events that looked too perfect in construction to have been insignificant happenings. Some day I’d like to compile a book about such experiences, both mine and those of other people.

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New Direction

Acupuncture_chart_300px

You may have noticed my posts have been slow in coming lately. The good news is I’ve decided to pursue a new career direction: using acupuncture for mental health issues. Acupuncture has been a mainstay of my recovery. By itself it would not have been enough, but as a regular refuge where I can recharge and rebalance it has been invaluable. Since licensed physicians can train to practice the technique in a relatively short time, it is a great way for me to get back to clinical work without the inconceivable stress and difficulty of finding and completing a residency in a more traditional discipline. I’m tremendously excited. It will be less visible work than writing, but it will provide far more security. And being a doctor again means more to me than I’ve been willing to admit.

The bad news is I will have less time for writing. I will try to keep posting, but the essays will be less frequent. They may also be shorter, but that may turn out to be an improvement. I tend to underrate the value of brevity.

For today, I’m posting a piece I wrote for Hopeworks Community. Larry Drain is a prolific writer and activist in the mental health field, and he invited guest posts for his blog. Here’s mine:

This is my story of recovery from severe depression, and my message is one of hope. On the one hand, I doubt many people have experienced longer lasting or more severe depression than me (though a multitude have it just as bad). On the other, I have found my way to a place of contentment and steadiness that I never dreamt possible.

Although depression has dogged me for most of my adult life, my mood reached new lows after I lost my surgical career to severe arthritis in my neck. My spirits were especially crushed because the loss of occupation brought up lingering self-doubts left over from a highly traumatic childhood.

In recovering, I tried every type of therapy and group program that promised to assist me with my problems. These methods helped me improve my thought patterns, accept the present moment, and find spiritual peace. To my delight and surprise, I am often happy. Although I still get depressed from time to time, my spiritual centering and acceptance work have taught me that grief and sadness are as important and rich as happiness; I would not want to miss the textured sense of connection with tragedy. Whether happy or sad, I am at peace with my mind and my history.

Medications played a big role at first, but they ultimately turned on me. Under the direction of a psychiatrist whose only tools were drugs and endless exploration of my childhood, I spent five years heavily sedated and unable to function productively. After horrible side effects threatened to lower my self esteem even more, I switched to another care system and have spent recent years reducing an oppressive cocktail of medications. Perhaps I needed to escape into a medicated haze for several years, but when the drugs were reduced my grief awaited me, and I still had to deal with feelings about my losses. I learned there is no way to sidestep mourning.

During the past decade I’ve tried many times to build a new career. False starts and rejections added to my burden, until I gave in and accepted permanent retirement from defined employment. Then, after I finally felt at peace with not working, I discovered a career direction that makes sense. The operative concept is acceptance. Once I quit fighting my fear of being seen as unproductive, and once I learned to keep busy and avoid boredom, my mind opened to a new possibility. I had to accept what I feared before moving past it.

I have learned that there is no single answer to depression or other mental health issues. Medications may help, but they do not magically take away the problem. Acceptance is vital, but by itself is insufficient. One needs to learn to think without fostering depression, but that alone won’t end the sadness. Exercise, meditation, group work, writing, good nutrition, and regular sleep all need to be considered. With a comprehensive approach, recovery is possible.

It takes effort and time. If you are suffering from depression, you will need to both work hard and remain patient. You may also need to learn to live with some low feelings. But knowing how much I’ve improved despite years of despair, I suspect that no matter how depressed you may feel, you can find peace.

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Sculpting Happiness

cortex2

Today I am filling in at the local Suicide Hot Line. Since this time of day tends to be slow, I’ll probably have time to complete a post. As I planned this essay, knowing where I’d be writing it, the topic of suicide naturally suggested itself to me. But after giving it more thought, I decided to write about something a little less depressing.

In the book Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hanson explains that dwelling on negative memories and feelings strengthens them. If we habitually focus on unhappy topics, and especially if we simultaneously harbor unpleasant emotions, then we increase the neural circuits that promote misery. The converse is also true: dwelling on happy topics and pleasant feelings leads to brain changes that foster contentment.

My goal these days is to improve my mental balance, and spend less time obsessed with depressing topics. Since my childhood was loaded with trauma and my adulthood has brought huge disappointments, negativity is already well entrenched in my brain. It will take the rest of my life to build in enough positive memory and feeling to counterbalance that burden of loss. Reliving my suicidal feelings and remembering the suicides of loved ones seem like counterproductive exercises. They can wait for some future day; no doubt depression will eventually descend despite my best efforts, and such subjects will be on my mind already.

Two readers have requested posts about neuroplasticity; since I’ve already introduced the idea by mentioning Hanson’s book, I might as well develop it further. Neuroplasticity has become a hot topic in neuroscience, but it is actually something we make use of every day. If we wanted to be less technical, we could replace the fancy jargon with the word learning without losing much meaning. Both terms refer to long-term changes in the brain.

One of the first and most striking demonstrations of neuroplasticity came from the research of V.S. Ramachandran. He showed that after an amputation, the brain regions that used to handle the sensory input from the lost limb do not simply go silent. Instead, adjacent functions spread into the unused area. So if an arm is amputated, the sensory system of the face expands into the area that once served the severed limb. As a result, people have odd phantom limb experiences, such as touch to the cheek causing ‘feeling’ in a hand that no longer exists. More elegant examples include the expansion of brain representation of fingers in musicians, or the larger memory modules of London taxi drivers, who have to memorize maps of the entire city.

The outer and most evolutionary recent part of the brain is the neocortex. In effect, it is a flat sheet of nerve tissue that has been folded and balled up to fit inside the skull. Although different parts of the cortex have somewhat different structural details, in every region the sheet is layered. In the visual cortex there are six layers, with some receiving input, some primarily performing internal processing, and some creating output to other regions. The number of layers and the specific appearance varies from place to place on the neocortical sheet, but one is struck by the overall uniformity. Regions that handle functions as diverse as vision, language, touch, movement, and judgment all look more or less the same, and areas with similar functions can appear identical. Thus, the sensory area serving the arm is indistinguishable in appearance from that serving the face.

This makes it easy for cortical regions to take up new functions. In people who are blinded, and especially those blinded from birth, hearing functions encroach on the visual cortex. This expands the processing space for auditory signals, and probably partly explains why people who are blind often hear better than those with sight. Enlarging the cortical space for fingers in musicians presumably increases manual dexterity.

These are large-scale changes that demonstrate the brain’s impressive ability to reorganize itself in response to need. Restructuring on that scale takes time, but smaller shifts in brain structure and function happen every instant. Every thought is accompanied by a ripple of neuronal activity that forms an organized ensemble and then dissipates. Every time a memory is created, new connections are established between nerve cells. The brain is changing all the time as we learn new skills, see new things, and think new thoughts. As we live we learn, and as we learn we change our brains. This is the essence of neuroplasticity.

We should feel both sobered and empowered by the fact that everything we think and do sculpts our neurons. Sobered, because every single thought leaves traces that accumulate; a lifetime of negative thinking strengthens the neural foundations of stress, fear, and sadness. If we clumsily allow our minds to obsess on whatever attracts attention, no matter how discouraging or counterproductive, we will develop brains prone to unhappiness. Empowerment comes from recognizing the opposite principle: fostering positive thoughts, memories, and feelings will gradually increase our ability to remain contented.

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The Watcher

Watchtower

In reading about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), mindfulness, and other subjects, the concept of the watcher comes up often. The terms vary; other names for this entity include the observer, the true self, and simply consciousness. Quakers call it the still, small voice within.

Isn’t it odd the way something important about yourself can be discounted until you’re finally ready to deal with it? For years I’ve recognized that part of me is aware of my mistakes even as I make them. Often, when I’m about to do something ill-advised, an inner voice will comment: “that’s a dumb move, but you’re going to make it anyway, aren’t you?” Long ago, back when I still consumed alcohol, I would watch myself pour another drink knowing full well that my behavior was already edging out of bounds. Or I would say something unkind to a lover, knowing that it was uncalled for and would lead to a big blow-up. This observing part of my mind has always been wise, but until recently it remained largely passive. It seldom took the reins and averted disaster. As a result, I disregarded the watcher within. It seemed like a prudish and annoying sibling, quick to point out my folly but slow to assist. Only recently did I recognize that this watcher is my truest and strongest self.

Early on, I heard the watcher as a voice speaking words because nothing else penetrated my awareness. But the soul’s natural language is stillness. These days, by listening to its silent voice, I understand the observer better, and I am able to more frequently align myself with its resonant peace. Unfortunately, in my most despairing moments I still feel locked in a mind that convulses with regret, fear, and self-loathing, while the watcher seems far away and unable to help. In the midst of severe emotional upheaval, I have yet to find reliable refuge in my calm, silent center. Even so, I am glad that in lesser states of distress I align with the observer fairly often.

Surprisingly, the occasionally intense pain I feel in my neck has helped me find solace in my soul. As I’ve explained in past entries, severe spinal arthritis ended my surgical career. Physical pain has plagued me for years, and the experience is made worse when the discomfort reminds me of how I lost my former occupation. When that happens, I feel a hollow, nauseating sensation in my stomach in addition to the hot, gnawing ache in my neck. The pain is almost never completely absent, and sometimes its severity makes it difficult to concentrate on anything else. For several years I used narcotic pain relievers; they lessened the discomfort, but caused a new suite of problems. Before long the only time I felt good (physically or emotionally) was shortly after I took the pills; my life revolved around waiting for the next dose and the next relief. These days I take only Tylenol, and the pain is unending, though variable.

I describe the pain so I can show how it has taught me to adopt an observing stance. In times of severe neck discomfort, identifying with the watcher allows me to sidestep a lot of suffering. I can feel the pain, but in a detached and accepting way. There is a point at the very top of my head where the pain doesn’t reach, and I observe my body’s discomfort from there. Although the shift in perspective is difficult to describe, watching the pain from a distance is far better than living in its midst. For some reason, the observer stance is easier for me to adopt when the pain arises from physical rather than emotional sources, but having learned watching skills with physical pain, I can apply them to emotional distress.

Although I still get swept away by the most powerful emotional storms, I’m improving in my ability to watch feelings without losing myself in drama. The other day I found myself in a whirlpool of distress. Because I am taking fewer psychiatric drugs, my emotions are more easily and more powerfully triggered. Shortly after an upsetting situation, I found myself awash in tears and practically convulsing with anguish. Then, for a short time, I moved into what I call the ‘watchtower.’ From a safe distance, I observed the emotional turmoil. I fully acknowledged the frustration and fear, yet I did so from a wise and detached perspective; my awareness centered in the observer, not the observed. Because it was the first time I’ve successfully established a watching stance in such despair, the moment was brief, and I was soon swept back into the roiling currents. But I enjoyed a moment of peace and quiet clarity.

Without doubt, if I stay committed to watching rather than living emotional distress, my skills will improve. My practice of detaching from physical pain will generalize into an ability to separate myself from all forms of suffering, including the emotional hurricanes that have always been features of my psychic weather patterns. Who would have guessed that the neck disease that ruined my old life would provide me the key to peace in my new one?

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Building a Peaceful Mind

ToolBox

About four years ago, the mental health providers who were helping me encouraged me to ramp up my meditation practice. I’d been pursuing silent worship and retreats as a quaker for twenty years by that point, and had taken my first mindfulness meditation class six years earlier. But I had slacked off in my efforts. Since that prompting to be more serious about meditating, I’ve found settling into the mind that lies beneath surface turmoil to be very helpful to my emotional balance. No doubt many readers will find what I write to be naive, which is unavoidable given that my intensive practice began so recently. Still, meditation helps my state of mind so much that I can’t resist commenting on a recent realization.

When I first began to practice mindfulness meditation on a regular basis, my instructors cautioned me to toss out the idea of emptying the mind of thought. They taught me to observe thoughts, sensations, and emotions without trying to influence them. Given the context of a psychiatry clinic, these instructions were all presented from a medical perspective; they followed the Jon Kabat-Zinn formulation. There are many other approaches to meditation, and some schools place more emphasis on achieving a mind free of domination by verbal thought streams. But that early teaching held, and for a long time I assumed that attaining silence in the mind would be difficult if not impossible.

Being a newcomer to this practice style, it’s no surprise that I’m finding my early understanding to be incomplete. More and more, I’m finding it easy to shut down verbal thought, and not only while formally meditating. It’s becoming a bit of a refuge, in fact. When I find myself starting to obsess, and especially when the thoughts take a negative turn (as they almost inevitably do), I find it easiest to just stop thinking. Cognitive Behavior Therapy taught me to challenge my assumptions, and recognize the distortions in my interpretations. To do so is still useful at times, but often the quicker route to relief is to simply shut down the thought apparatus. It takes a bit of effort, and it certainly requires that I remain conscious and alert, but it’s not as hard as I believed. If I were to dissect the experience, I would probably find a few echoing words deep in my awareness, but the loud and intrusive thinking is becoming relatively easy to turn off.

I sleep better as a result. It used to be that worries or even pleasant fantasies kept me awake; there was always something that seemed interesting to attend to. If I shut down the thinking apparatus, in contrast, then if my body is tired sleep soon comes. If sleep eludes me it usually means I’m not that tired, and I either get up for a while or I lay on my back and simply experience the peace in my mind. It’s another opportunity to meditate.

Once on my Twitter stream I wrote, “If you can’t think anything nice, don’t think anything at all.” Although I think this phrase was my own creation, it’s possible I heard it somewhere; it is a variation, in any event, on the old line: “Don’t believe everything you think.” Regardless of its origin, the statement was meant more as a joke than true advice, but now I’m taking it to heart. I’ve added the technique to my chest of tools for building peace and sanity.

Looking back, I realize it has taken a bit of discipline and practice to get to this point, and that my ability to achieve tranquility has gradually increased over time. Recognizing how my understanding has progressed makes me realize that meditation must have many surprises in store for me. The recent trend in mental health toward emphasis on mindfulness (seemingly the preferred label for meditation in clinical circles) appears to be well founded. Especially for someone like me, who once pursued favorable mind states so vigorously that I developed troubling relationships with intoxicants, the discovery of self-generated tranquility is profound. Anyone dedicated to improving mental health probably already knows the value of meditation, but if you have delayed putting that knowledge into practice, I highly recommend meditating regularly.

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On Being Public

SunPhoto

After being called on the negativity in my recent posts, I’m questioning my philosophy. To date, I’ve committed to being open about my true spiritual and mental condition; when I’ve been excited and confident it has come through in my writing, and when I’ve been discouraged and pessimistic my words have reflected those feelings. Between May of 2009 and January of this year, my only public forum was this blog. Since I’ve looked at this site as an online journal, it has made sense to report the ups and downs of my mental condition. It seemed consistent with what I read in other mental health blogs, and it fit the pattern of all my personal interactions: throughout my entire adult life I’ve been very open about my problems and struggles.

More recently, I’ve started writing for the Bipolar Advantage blog on PsychCentral, and I also gave a public presentation about mental health and consciousness. I see now that presenting a message of growth and recovery to the world may mean accepting the burden of being a good example. Is it fair to write about how well one can do by attending to humility, acceptance, ego suppression, etc., and then spill out all my neurotic fears and insecurities? Am I undercutting the message by my own inability to live it perfectly? Until recently few people read this blog or knew my name. But one of my Bipolar Advantage posts went through a short run of being viewed over eight hundred times a day. Although that is a pittance compared with the kind of readership truly popular voices attract, it still makes me far more public than ever before. I’ve been getting comments and personal emails that show me people appreciate my message. Is my greatest obligation at this point to the elevated consciousness that I hope to maintain and help others reach? Or do I still have the luxury of admitting that I’m a flawed, insecure person who sometimes feels enlightened and sometimes doesn’t?

The most important question is: what will most help others? Do people get more out of believing in a teacher who never falters, or out of seeing that another struggling human manages to find moments of clarity? Am I on the road to becoming some kind of leader, of all things? In the past I looked at myself as a loner, a tormented soul who thinks a lot about life and then writes. Do I need to rethink my role in the world? Does the gift of speaking publicly about growth comes with a price tag?

These are all questions I am asking myself today. I don’t expect to answer them right now. My hope is to gradually gain enough emotional maturity that a state of insight will predominate, and I can write honestly about my feelings while sustaining a positive message. I appreciate those who have confronted me about my recent complaints (you know who you are), and set me thinking about what path to take from here. It may turn out that the best way for me to achieve the improved state of mind I aspire to is to edit out the negativity in my thoughts and writing. Maybe maintaining a positive message will help me maintain a positive direction. This is not to say I want to write only things that are sweet and light; it’s not a question of unvarying happiness. But it might be best for both me and my audience if I at least remained committed to looking at life as a worthwhile adventure, in spite of its pain and disappointments. Like I heard someone say recently, no matter how dark and cloudy the weather, the sun is always shining.

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Recovering

woundedDog

Many people have pointed out to me that depression and spiritual growth do not exclude one another, and the fact that I keep getting this message shows that it has not yet really sunk in. Because spiritual awareness erases the bulk of my anxiety, whenever I’m in touch with it I feel incredibly free and light, and it seems like depression should vanish too. But although being more awake to the deeper structure of reality eases worry, it does not necessarily lighten sadness. If one understands the true nature of life, one realizes that most daily concerns are petty; but tragedy remains very real. If anything, transcendence heightens awareness of how living things suffer on this earth, and increased sensitivity can readily spawn depression or something like it. So on the one hand I agree: one can remain depressed and still grow in terms of conscious presence.

On the other hand, it is hard to feel truly enlightened when life seems unlivable. Embracing the reality of grief and sorrow is consistent with—and necessary for—spiritual advancement, but when one feels so oppressed by disappointment and loss that life loses all value, then one has been derailed from the spiritual path. When I gave my presentation Saturday I quoted Tom Wootton‘s immortal phrase ‘Depression is Beautiful’, and I believe the words. But feeling so defeated and disgusted with one’s story that suicide sounds perfectly sane is not, I submit, a very spiritual condition. At those times, depression is anything but beautiful.

The goal has to be to feel sadness and grief, and see tragedy and injustice, but still yearn for life. Maybe the word that best describes my mood during my sickness is ‘despair’ rather than ‘depression’. In my experience, despair only leads to spiritual growth when it triggers a transformation in consciousness: in that case despair disappears. Unfortunately, my recent feelings of hopelessness have not pushed me to the point of breakthrough, and I suspect that such an easy way out will not be available to me this time around. Somehow, bit by bit, I have to rebuild belief in myself and my life.

Ten years ago I had a job that brought me status, provided a reliable income, and kept me busy. After arthritis and poor decisions ruined that situation, I’ve tried graduate school, informatics, teaching high school, public speaking, writing, and a few other minor pursuits; all ultimately led nowhere. These days no one has any reason to look up to me, my finances are crumbling, and I have far too much free time. If I could magically build a new career, many of my problems would vanish, but magic is in short supply. Many have suggested I work again as a doctor, but that would entail far more than people outside medicine realize; I would need to retrain, which means securing and completing a residency. After ten years of not working in the field, both of those steps would be challenging, to say the least. Even if I managed them, after adding in the several years post-residency required to master and get established in a field, by the time I was done I would be sixty years old. It is simply not realistic, and after the failed enterprises listed above, most other possibilities are also looking rather unlikely. I will probably need to find self-esteem that does not depend on my having productive work, at least in the short run.

On a positive note, I have recognized one important fact about my old work that seldom occurred to me before: it could be done by anyone with proper training. I was good at it, to be sure, but so were many surgeons. There was nothing about me that made me particularly suited to that work, or enabled me to do things that only I could do. Nowadays, I have a history with childhood trauma, mood disorders, and recovery that could (in theory) be leveraged into helping others in a way that would be uniquely mine. Unlike a surgical procedure, which if done well can seldom be traced to a particular surgeon, I could write or speak or in some other way produce a message that could only be delivered by me. Not that it would be better than all the other helpful sources of inspiration and advice, but it would be identifiably mine. It would be my creation and my expression.

Would writing a memoir, or speaking, or just blogging make up for the career I once had? Frankly, I doubt it. But at least I can see how the old line of work did not give me as much opportunity to express myself. Also, if I had not been through the past ten years of loss and recovery, I would not know nearly as much about the deeper currents of life as I believe I now do. So there are a couple of possibilities here that could only have arisen with the collapse of what went before.

When I can begin to see ways in which my new life offers things my old life could not, then maybe my despair will transform back into mere depression, and I can once again claim spiritual awareness. At the moment, all I can do is write about the possibility, but many times since I started this blog what I’ve written as speculation has gone on to become my reality.

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Once More

To anyone who has missed seeing entries here, if anyone has missed them, I apologize. The severe flu that has been going around this year, or something like it, finally struck me. It has been a long time since I was so sick, perhaps not since I contracted mononucleosis in high school. Not only was it impossible to sit at the computer for more than a few minutes, but my mood gradually deteriorated over the entire two weeks until my interest in all things, including the blog, utterly vanished.

Now, fortunately, I am feeling better. A bit chagrined at having sunk so low after weeks of touting spiritual enlightenment, but whether you call my condition ‘bipolar disorder’, ‘chronic depression’, or just moodiness, it evidently far outstrips in vitality whatever transcendence I had attained. Given the opportunity of my feeling physically ill, the demons defeated the angels within days. So I’m back at the beginning, facing once again the task of reaching that point of consciousness where life makes complete sense. Whether I can get back there is not at all certain, but the alternative path—staying in a funk—is unacceptable.

The fact that I’m finally writing again, even if just briefly, is a good sign and an indication that I’m trying. I will try to get something longer posted soon.

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