My idea is to write a series of short(er) posts that will help me stay in a centered frame of mind. My last entry described how I vacillate between oceanic acceptance and claustrophobic self-pity. The human mind can shape itself, and I intend to sculpt mine to stand with contentment and stability in the gale of fate. I’ve grown tired of crumbling, and knowing there is an alternative, I have committed to solidity and balance.


Success requires more than a vow. Action is mandatory. There are countless steps I take to improve my frame of mind. I work to buttress my weak areas, exercise my strengths, and explore new modes of thought and being. My plan is to write a short piece more or less daily, with an eye toward concrete behavioral, cognitive, or spiritual actions I employ (or should employ) to increase the proportion of time lived in the space of equanimity.


THINK LESS!

In earlier times, I prided myself on my intelligence. Half way through a rebellious high school career I took to heart what people had been telling me since toddlerhood: I had a good mind. With little else to prop up my self esteem, I began applying myself in studies and quickly raised my grades. In college I found an environment where sharp thinking was rewarded. I excelled in analytical sciences even more than in biology, though the latter was my passion. My father had innate mathematical talent, and I may have inherited the trait. Or perhaps living in a dangerous and chaotic family trained me to scrutinize and scheme. No matter where it came from, I had an ability to problem solve that was noted repeatedly and carried me to a reasonable level of academic success. Thinking gave me a rewarding career, financial security, and feelings of power.

As I sketched in yesterday’s essay, however, all that evaporated ten years ago. Ever after, compulsive thinking has been a liability rather than an asset. I can spend long, boring hours ruminating about my losses and my fears. If I don’t stop myself, I analyze my life from every conceivable angle, always looking for an escape route. Something inside desperately wants to fix my predicament. But thinking is not the answer. It only keeps my frustrations on center stage, and accelerates the engine of anxiety. It has taken a long time for me to truly believe this, and it requires ongoing effort to change my pattern.

I strive to think less. Even with that goal foremost in my awareness, my mind manages to churn out plenty of thoughts, more than enough to solve my various problems and prepare for the future. But whenever I notice my mind thinking aimlessly, or worrying, or criticizing, I stop. There are many tricks I use. Since my goal is to make these entries short, I’ll name just one.

Let’s say I’m walking and worrying at the same time. This happens often. If I catch myself, I start doing a body scan. The body scan is a simple mindfulness exercise taught in meditation classes, especially those given in clinical settings. One moves one’s conscious attention from one extreme of the body to the other. One can start with head or feet, but I usually start low and work up. I pay attention to one foot at a time, focusing in turn on each toe, or even each part of each toe, and then moving to the sole of my foot, the top, the sides, the inner sensations of the joints, and so on. I explore the feelings in each location for one or two breaths, and move on. I finish with one foot and then move to the other. I complete the feet and journey to the ankles, calves, knees and on up my body. If the walk ends before the scan reaches the head, I make a mental note to pick up where I left off on the next walk.

It’s a busier walking meditation than Buddhists teach, but it’s what my mind needs to distract itself. It’s a challenge to feel the fourth toe, for instance. My brain just never focused on it before, and I have to strengthen the sensory pathway. It’s interesting to pay attention to the movements in all the many foot bones, and feel the pressure of the ground transmit through my feet to my legs. I feel far more in touch with my body from doing this practice. Better yet, I think less.

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