WillSpirit!

Several recent interactions have pointed out to me that I am way too sensitive. A good friend and I passed emails back and forth, each of us angry about the behavior of the other, and all of it traceable to overreaction on both our parts. Then there was the confusion around my new blog at PsychCentral. I applied for the chance to write for them, and when after a week they had not yet responded, I assumed (incorrectly) that they’d turned me down. Not only that, but I took it personally. There have been some other emotional missteps, but I’ll concentrate on these two.

In both cases, my emotional reactions were too strong and too swift. In both situations, I’d have been better off slowing down, asking for clarification, and maintaining a thicker skin. With my friend, I ended up hurting his feelings and stirring up needless stress. With the blog, I indulged in some online whining and almost abandoned blogging altogether. In each case if I had asked for information, and waited for things to work themselves out, considerable inner and outer turmoil would have been avoided.

There’s a hidden ingredient here. Several months ago I quit my final psychiatric medication. In the bad old days with the psychiatrist who treated my moods between 2000 and 2006, I was overmedicated. At several points I was taking six different medications for my mental health. The side effects were dreadful and humiliating, and my depression hardly improved at all. The only benefit was a generalized emotional numbing. I was free of intense anguish, because I had no strong feelings at all. This seemed like a good idea at first, but I soon recognized that life was passing by while I lingered in a medicated haze. My wife hated the zombie-like affect I presented, and it was impossible to accomplish anything under such sedation.

Since 2006, I’ve been tapering off the medications. I feel more sadness, but also more happiness. I can laugh and cry and think once again. My former passion and creativity have been restored. Unfortunately, many of the damaging side effects appear to be permanent, so I will always be scarred by my foray into the world of psychopharmacology. But if I don’t dwell on the injuries, I feel pretty contented. Or at least I do today. Coming off the drugs has been very good for me, although I am by no means suggesting it would be right for everyone.

And in fact it wasn’t completely right for me. One of the reasons I became so hypersensitive was that, like I said, I had quit the final antidepressant back in March. It had been challenging reducing the medications at every step, but when I discontinued the final drug, I slowly spiraled into a very unpleasant space. To my great relief, I did not contemplate suicide. However, joy and interest drained from my psyche. I continued all my normal activities, but I enjoyed few of them. Worse, I began to overreact to perceived rejections.

Since I restarted that final drug, things have gotten dramatically better. The lesson, I suppose, is that extreme positions are always suspect. I had decided that since six drugs were disastrous, the answer was to take none at all. That turns out to have been too drastic. It looks like I am better off taking a modest dose of one antidepressant, rather than trying to live with no psychiatric medication at all.

It’s been an enlightening experience. My anger at the psychiatrist who treated me so aggressively, and the side effects that resulted, had pushed me to decide that everything about psychiatric medications, at least in mood conditions, is suspect. Now, I’m not so sure. Although I wonder if the antidepressant would be as necessary if my system had never been exposed to any such drugs, the fact is that life is much easier on one medication than it was on none. It’s a good reminder to watch myself, and question my motives at every step. It is very easy to get swept away by strong emotions. As much as I believe feelings are necessary to live fully and happily, it is also the case that when they get too intense they cloud judgment.

It is also vital to keep an eye on what works. If a single antidepressant can make such a big difference, and if it also happens to be one of the few medications that causes me no side effects, why not take it? Is philosophical purity more important than pragmatically doing something to make life more livable? One of the biggest problems in the world today is the very human tendency to get locked into behaviors and attitudes that are rigid and extreme. Inflexible and dogmatic attitudes are damaging. This is as true in an individual life as it is in the case of religious fanaticism and political extremism. As the Buddha said, it’s best to follow the middle way. In most circumstances, the middle position is the most accurate and the most effective.

Patience. Moderation. Trust. Communication. Flexibility. Pragmatism. You’d think by this age I would have mastered these basics. Better late than never…