WillSpirit!

Can you orgasm just by thinking? I can’t, and not for lack of trying! Not many people have the ability to climax without physical stimulation. So why do they say the brain is the most important erogenous zone?

It could be because the mind needs to be lured into letting go of thought. So many interesting things to contemplate! So many anxieties to nurture, so many regrets to keep alive. Why would the rational mind let go of its complicated problems to do something as simple, as mindless, as engage in sex?

Thus we need erotica. Juicy pictures, scandalous stories, and flimsy nightgowns all help hook the mind into setting aside its day-to-day concerns, and concentrate on life’s imperative to promote more life. Cows and bulls, mares and stallions, hens and roosters all get it on just fine without Victoria’s Secret.

Yes, some animals have mating rituals. The male bower bird constructs intricate sculptures, and if his artistry is exceptional, the female mates. The peacock spreads his tail and struts, hoping to woo the peahen to let him in. So clearly, even in animals that don’t worry about deadlines and bank statements, the brain (or at least the female brain) needs to be teased into sexual interest. But in these cases biology has a hidden agenda; the female can detect particularly fit males by comparing their courtships.

Humans are more complicated, so it’s no surprise our sexual antics have become Byzantine. At heart, however, sex is simple. Which is why the thinking brain needs coaxing. Slippery body contact is not enough to keep the rational mind interested.

“Wait a minute,” I hear you saying, “show me one teenager who would rather do homework than spend time in an isolated glen with his or her sweetheart!” My point exactly. When we’re young and hormones are raging, sex dominates the mind and there is no need to trick the brain into getting on board with it. Sure, the kids dress up for each other, and spend hours preening or working out in hopes of attracting a mate. But sex is running the brain, not the other way around.

Especially if you are a man, you might be asking, “if my brain is disinterested, why is it so easily distracted by sexy pictures and thoughts?” But erotic pictures and thoughts are the point. The brain is indeed intrigued by thoughts about intimacy, but at its best sex isn’t primarily a thinking activity. Can your brain let go of thinking and allow you to fully enter the being state of sensuality?

By the time we’re middle aged, our hormonal flow is depleted, our relationships feel routine, and sex loses some allure. It becomes tempting, often, to read a book or watch a movie instead of doing the messy, sticky work of coupling. People who get entangled in pornography often graduate to ever more hardcore imagery, because it takes more and more to keep the mind interested.

Yet sex still feels good, and it still helps cement our romantic attachments. We are well advised to keep it alive, but that means coaxing the mind away from its countless distractions. This includes sexual fantasies; although they have their value, it is ironically the case that they are counterproductive to truly engaged sex. They drain awareness away from the body, where sex happens, and into the mind, where there is only thought.

Rather than seeking ways to stimulate the brain to want sex, it is actually most enriching to set thinking aside. So here’s an incentive: look at sex as meditation. No matter what the context, and whether you’re alone, with your spouse of many decades, or in bed with a new partner, try to be fully in your body. Just for the few moments you devote to erotic activity, aim to completely shelve your schemes and worries. Pay attention to the thrumming energy in the muscles, the warm moisture on the skin, the subtle aromas and the soft moans. You might find that the body’s sensations are more textured and interesting than you suspected. You might find that your thinking brain doesn’t need to be part of the equation at all.

With this attitude, the body becomes an alluring haven. The mind, with its endlessly repetitive concerns, seems less attractive. This exercise is available to anyone. Physical touch is vital, but overt sexual acts are not required, nor is Viagra. Despite my titillating opening sentence, the experience need not end in orgasm. Just pay attention to pleasurable sensations, quit worrying about the laundry basket and the stock market, and let the body come alive.