This blog is both a journal of my personal work at improving mental skills and a supportive guide to others who have decided to take charge of their state of mind. My background includes enormous struggle with mood instability and especially depression. Fortunately, in recent years my psychiatric health has greatly improved. Although my moods still rise and fall, I feel less distressed by these fluctuations than before. I credit much of this recovery to my meditation practice.
As a physician with a background in biophysics, I write from a perspective that combines healing with science. Because I’ve also been blessed by a number of profound transcendent experiences, I frequently intermix spiritual concepts in my essays. More than any other theme, however, this blog highlights our ability to determine what happens inside our skulls. We do not need to feel victimized by thoughts and feelings, because we can learn to direct them.
My mood problems have been lifelong. They no doubt can be traced to genetic predisposition: my mother suffered terrible depression and ultimately killed herself. Plus, my sister was hospitalized for a psychotic (possibly manic) disorder when I was ten. In addition to inheriting unstable moods, however, I endured a highly traumatic upbringing that in addition to my mother’s death and sister’s illness included an early divorce, annual relocations, and severe child abuse. My stepmother and father followed a wild and chaotic lifestyle that included heavy alcohol and drug use along with open sexual parties. Finally, both my father and my sister were alcoholic (my sister recently died of liver failure as a result).
Although depression began to disrupt my life in my late teens, it became a much bigger problem after my surgical career ended prematurely in 2000. After ten years of medical training, I practiced as an oculoplastic surgeon for a little over six years. During that entire time the work was taking a toll on my neck, until every operation caused me excruciating pain. In the end, it seemed like there was nothing to do but quit. The sadness I felt at losing my career took a heavy toll on my mental health. So did the chronic pain and a number of other major stresses that struck around the same time.
In the aftermath of losing my career, I became suicidal and ended up hospitalized on suicide watch. After discharge, I experienced intense mood fluctuations for five days which culminated in a series of profound spiritual experiences. Unfortunately, psychiatrists labelled these as ‘hallucinations’ and ‘delusions’. They diagnosed me with type I bipolar disorder, and started me on a staggering medication regimen. In short order I deteriorated from fully functioning surgeon to over-sedated mental patient.
It has taken ten years to get back to mental health. The first six years or so were pretty hellish, but the ones since have brought me wonderful growth. I have explored a number of different types of therapy, increased my meditative practice, and blossomed spiritually. I’ve learned to keep a fairly regular schedule of exercise and meditation. I work hard to maintain equilibrium. Most of the time I succeed, but anyone who looks through this site will recognize many periods of darkness.
This blog began in May 2009. Looking back, I am pleased to see evidence of much personal growth in the short time since the site was launched.
This ‘About’ essay has changed several times. If you read the comments, you’ll notice that many refer to older versions. I hate to delete them, because messages from visitors seem like special gifts that should be preserved. Also, anyone who wishes to communicate privately can email me: will@willspirit.com.
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jss at http://jssfive.blogspot.com
“Right now, the world needs arresting nonfiction; in other words, a certain form of truth. The truth of poets will not suffice to change this world. If humanity had not gone insane, verse would instruct us. Sadly, we have lost our ear for all but reason.”
I have not yet read this whole post but I will absolutely do so as I am very intrigued. However having only gotten through the first two paragraphs the statement above shouts out to me and I must say that I wholeheartedly must disagree with you. I think of lines from a poem by William Wordsworth that go like this:
“For I have learned to look on nature, not as in the hour of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes the still, sad music of humanity, nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power to chasten and subdue. And I have felt a presence that disturbs me with the joy of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime of something far more deeply interfused, Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns, and the round ocean and the living air, and the blue sky, and in the mind of man; A motion and a spirit, that impels all thinking things, all objects of all thought, and rolls through all things.”
That humanity has gone insane could arguably be considered unquestionable. However it is my belief that the truth of poets is exactly where we will find that which we need to change this world because I also believe that the truth of poets IS reason. Art does not equate to non-reason. A blind quest for only that which we can see with our eyes, hear with our ears and wrap our hands around, in other words that which this insane world defines as ‘reason’, that is non-reason.
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 5:30am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
jss–
You make a good point. I agree that the world would benefit most from art and poetry. The question is, does anyone listen to such voices? The ‘masses’ these days spend their time looking at fast-paced electronic entertainment devices, the products of which carry little I would consider poetic. Hollywood movies are more of the same fast-paced junk food. Independent films do make statements, but the ones with the most to say usually get seen by only a few. Modern music, as little as I hear of it, does not seem to have much depth. Static visual art is almost exclusively an enjoyment of the rich. It is hard for me to imagine many people slowing down enough to really take in the power of Wordsworth. I am not at all saying that poetry has no ability to transform the world, but people have to be open to it. Right now, I sense they are not.
In particular, most people in positions to make a difference only respond to ‘facts’ and what I am calling ‘reason,’ which my dictionary defines as “the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments on the basis of logic.” Journalism is vital in today’s world, but it is dying. My tendency under these circumstances would be to become a journalist, but it is too late in my life for that. But I can write about what I know, have experienced, feel passionate about, and have at least some credentials to lend authority to my words. Specifically, I can write about child abuse and about the problems in the mental health system.
I think where there is confusion is that I currently am writing exclusively about spiritual things. There is no doubt that a good ten lines of poetry can convey more transcendent truth than ten chapters of ‘rational’ prose. I actually started the series with a rather lame and embarrassing excuse for a poem. I leave it up because, in spite of its shortcomings, it shows how driven I sometimes feel to write this material.
I wrote the piece you comment on when I was justifying to myself the direction I might be taking next year, i.e., working toward a creative nonfiction MFA. I do believe that for me, personally, that is the way I am most likely to develop a message that will stand any chance of improving the sorry state of things in two of the three areas that matter to me: recovery from child abuse, and reining in the over-reliance on the medical model in mental health.
My third area of interest, spirituality, is something I’ve considered more of a hobby. I don’t feel I have the same credibility writing about it as I do the other two. Although I think about spiritual issues all the time, I am not a monk, religious leader, or even very spiritually enlightened. I suppose if the blog were to give me a sign that people would actually take me seriously as a spiritual commentator, I might shift direction. And if I did devote my writing to exploring transcendence, I would most likely start writing poetry again.
Does that make any sense? I totally understand why you disagree with what I wrote, but I’m not sure my writing captured my true feelings.
–Will
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 8:53am.
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jss
Certainly it makes sense and I do understand what you were saying. However that in general people are not facing in that direction these days doesn’t change, at least in my mind, the place where truth will ultimately come from. I think in many ways our art, or recognition of ‘truth’ in our art can only be seen only once the eyes of the soul have been pried open, however that occurs.
Just as as aside I don’t see how your not being a monk or a religious leader has any bearing on your credibility to express your opinions. If we all had to be monks to ‘get’ spirituality we’d be in a heck of a lot of trouble. And I would close by saying that I suspect you are a hell of a lot more spiritually enlighteded than you think you are.
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 9:13am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
jss–
I think you are right. The direction of help for humanity as a whole needs to be something that speaks to the heart, not the mind. Really my post is just about where I, personally, stand a chance of making a difference. If I write poems about the pain of remembering child abuse, or my fury about what the psychiatry-model did to my body and life, I don’t believe it would have any impact. But it is at least remotely possible I can make a difference with prose. I spoke too generally, most likely.
In order for me to feel spiritually enlightened, I would need to feel more consistently accepting. Sometimes I’m there, but often I’m stuck in regret, fear, etc. Maybe I set too high a bar. I’m my own worst critic, after all. I do very much appreciate this discussion.
–Will
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 9:56am.
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jss at http://jssfive.blogspot.com
I’m back again Will, this time after having finished this whole essay. Pretty interesting on many fronts. I’m curious and if you don’t mind my asking you describe a pretty exceptional spiritual experience and then you move away from it completely, into talking about your experiences with your first psychiatrist. One can only hope she has been locked away and the key stuffed somewhere she’ll never find it. Anyway I guess I’m a little surprised that one should experience something as exceptional as you describe and not be talking more about it in your spiritual posts. Obviously what you choose to discuss is your business but it makes me wonder why the further lack of discussion around it. I hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries.
Also I’m not sure what you mean when you say you’d need to feel more consistently accepting. Accepting of who, if you don’t mind my asking.
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 10:53am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
jss–
No overstepping at all. What you suggest will come in time. The ‘spiritual series’ is a long term project. I am only 2/3 done with the first of of 8 ‘keys,’ and the ‘keys’ are only part of the story. The second ‘key’ will be ‘The experience of God is real.’ That’s when I plan to get into what I ‘saw’ in 2000, and discuss subjective spiritual experiences in general. There is a huge amount to say, and that section alone will eat up at least 2 posts. And of course my posts are ridiculously long. By the time my spiritual writing endeavor is complete, with all 8 ‘keys’ discussed and everything pulled together, I am sure I will have written enough rough-draft material for a book of perhaps 150 pages. It would be nice to imagine actually publishing and selling it, but I see that as unlikely. If the work can succeed in bolstering my own faith, I’ll count it as worth the effort.
As for more accepting of who, it’s mainly a question of being more friendly toward myself. Acceptance is absolutely vital to my survival, not to mention happiness.
Thank you for your interest.
–Will
Posted at December 23, 2009 on 4:38pm.
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veronika noble at http://www.nobletherapist.com
Since I knew that mental health professionals hold very low opinions of patients with personality disorders>>
this what mental health professionals resort to when they are not making progress with a client! — its more about the therapist then the client in deed!
Will– as we have spoken before there are so many BAD therapists out there doing a dis service to wounded warriors and suffering souls.
The world of Psychiatry needs YOU!!
I hope within time you will return to this interest where I believe you can provide the most assistance!
Posted at December 26, 2009 on 10:21pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Veronika–
Thanks for visiting! After I failed to get accepted to the mental health programs, I decided it’s not really what would be best for me anyway. Clinical medicine always stressed me out, and if I have to hide my past to get in, it just is not worth it to me. I’m more interested in figuring out a way to support myself as a writer, as hard as that can be. The blog is a way to keep writing while I sort things out. At the moment, writing about health / biology / psychiatry looks like a promising direction. I’d love to write a memoir or spiritual book, but the competition is more fierce, and my past education less relevant. In any event, I think the programs did me a favor by rejecting me. I doubt it would make me happy to shoulder responsibility for clients. I’d rather have less to worry about, not more. But I appreciate your confidence in me.
–Will
Posted at December 27, 2009 on 9:12am.
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patientanonymous at http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com
Hi there. I popped by some time ago and Bookmarked you. Being the terrible procrastinator that I am, I neglected to add you to my Blogroll. However, I am now doing so!
I just wanted to let you know, and that (obviously), I find your blog an interesting and thought provoking read.
Cheers,
PA
Posted at January 1, 2010 on 9:04am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
patientanonymous–
Thank you. Just added you, in return. I’m glad you stopped by as I had never seen your blog. Love the dysgraphia pen!
–Will
Posted at January 1, 2010 on 9:13am.
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patientanonymous at http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com
Hi Will, thanks so much for the reciprocity. Happy that you like the “Dysgraphia Pen,” too!
Posted at January 2, 2010 on 11:08am.
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Veronika Noble at http://www.nobletherapist.com
I didnt get into the Graduate program I applied for either… and I am so grateful as the timeing was not in my favor– (also my area of study has now changed). I think rejection is not the end of a route- but can be veiwed as a U turn- so its a great oppurtuntity to turn around and continue on the path that was working in your favor… until the time is right– when all the parameters are working in accordance to whats best for you then the direction to proceed with will become clear… (and obstacles nonexsistent!)
Posted at January 5, 2010 on 10:09pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Veronika–
Either because we adapt, or because the universe guides, doesn’t it seem we usually feel that what doesn’t work out wasn’t meant to be? I am not sorry the programs rejected me. The process of applying and getting turned down taught me many lessons, and kept me off a path that probably was wrong for me. It was a U-turn, like you say. Or maybe just a right turn. Good luck.
–Will
Posted at January 6, 2010 on 9:35pm.
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Colby Kaye at http://YourWebsite
Thanks so much for your post, and your blog. Millions of Americans suffer from a misdiagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. Silver Hill Hospital has clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and adult and adolescent psychiatric treatment and provides hope for people who may not have been getting the right care. Talking/blogging about mental illness can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.
Posted at February 22, 2010 on 2:08pm.
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ClinicallyClueless at http://ClinicallyClueless.blogspot.com
I really appreciate the openess. It helps me as my career has been on hold since 2007 due to mental health issues. Now, it is due to that and medical issues. All of which are improving. If all goes well, I will be applying for a doctoral program in Clinical Psychology next year, but have much to work on until then. I’ve had three hospitalizations since I stopped working…one was 42 days. My depression greatly increased when I stopped working and now with my health that has prevented me from attending family gatherings and volunteering.
Thanks for letting me go on and on… I guess, I just wanted you to know that somehow I feel connected to you with what you shared. By the way, I’ll be 46 in August, so by the time I finish school I will be well into my 50s. From what I’ve heard and read, the 50s are about the time when people make career changes.
Posted at July 15, 2011 on 6:50am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
ClinicallyClueless–
Not only are the fifties a time of career change, they are also a time of maturation. My understanding is that Jung felt that true wisdom didn’t come until about that time, and others have said the same. The experience of midlife collapse followed by a new life rising out of the ashes, is common and probably archetypal. I’m glad life is shaping up for you. By the way, be sure to get a variety of opinions about how open to be on your applications to psychology programs. I was rejected after applying with near-total honesty about my condition and recovery. The programs seemed unable to feel comfortable accepting someone with such a dramatic history, despite my evident healing. I’m not sure how common that experience would be, but be aware of it for the sake of improving your chances of acceptance.
Best Wishes,
–Will
Posted at July 15, 2011 on 8:29am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
ClinicallyClueless–
Yes, overachievement is a common reaction to inner emptiness. Fill the life to make up for an aching soul.
–Will
Posted at July 15, 2011 on 8:30am.
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Caterina at http://YourWebsite
Hi Will, I was just looking online for info about dealing with fear, & I ended up here serendipitously. Stories of healing are moving, beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing yours. May we all be well on the path. Besos, caterina
Posted at October 11, 2011 on 3:52am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Caterina–
Well, if you were looking for someone with experience dealing with fear, you found the right blog. I’m happy to say that anxiety no longer plagues me, but there was a time when every night worry would keep me awake for hours. I lived in fear every waking moment, and many of my dreams were terrifying too. The legacy of my upbringing, no doubt, but also no longer. I wish you well on your journey.
Warmly,
–Will
Posted at October 11, 2011 on 8:33pm.
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Fiona at http://www.helpmetogetridofanxiety.com
Just wanted to say what an amazing blog ! i am dissapointed i only just found it and cant wait to read more
Posted at December 3, 2011 on 1:33am.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
Thanks, Fiona. I’ll be exploring your site in days to come. Glad you got in touch.
–Will
Posted at December 3, 2011 on 5:49pm.
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John at http://YourWebsite
really great blog! I found out about it through survivingantidepressants. I have been off psych drugs for four months after 71/2 years on them for anxiety and depression. Its been a tough ride and the side effects were insane. I was wondering what your thoughts were on orthomolecular psychiatry? I have been doing that the past year with some improvement. They are looking at undermethylation right now, hopefully I will improve even more. Just hope i dont have to get back on psych drugs.
Posted at January 31, 2012 on 9:08pm.
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Will at http://willspirit.com
John–
Welcome to the site. I feel unqualified to comment on orthomolecular psychiatry, since I know little about it. But it seems a much healthier approach than the conventional alternative. In addition to using it as you live free of psychiatric drugs, I would of course recommend other healthy practices, such as meditation, exercise, and altruism. But my guess is you already understand the value of a broad-based approach.
Good Luck!
–Will
Posted at February 2, 2012 on 6:16pm.