This blog is both a journal of my personal work at improving mental skills and a supportive guide to others who have decided to take charge of their state of mind. My background includes enormous struggle with mood instability and especially depression. Fortunately, in recent years my psychiatric health has greatly improved. Although my moods still rise and fall, I feel less distressed by these fluctuations than before. I credit much of this recovery to my meditation practice.

As a physician with a background in biophysics, I write from a perspective that combines healing with science. Because I’ve also been blessed by a number of profound transcendent experiences, I frequently intermix spiritual concepts in my essays. More than any other theme, however, this blog highlights our ability to determine what happens inside our skulls. We do not need to feel victimized by thoughts and feelings, because we can learn to direct them.

My mood problems have been lifelong. They no doubt can be traced to genetic predisposition: my mother suffered terrible depression and ultimately killed herself. Plus, my sister was hospitalized for a psychotic (possibly manic) disorder when I was ten. In addition to inheriting unstable moods, however, I endured a highly traumatic upbringing that in addition to my mother’s death and sister’s illness included an early divorce, annual relocations, and severe child abuse. My stepmother and father followed a wild and chaotic lifestyle that included heavy alcohol and drug use along with open sexual parties. Finally, both my father and my sister were alcoholic (my sister recently died of liver failure as a result).

Although depression began to disrupt my life in my late teens, it became a much bigger problem after my surgical career ended prematurely in 2000. After ten years of medical training, I practiced as an oculoplastic surgeon for a little over six years. During that entire time the work was taking a toll on my neck, until every operation caused me excruciating pain. In the end, it seemed like there was nothing to do but quit. The sadness I felt at losing my career took a heavy toll on my mental health. So did the chronic pain and a number of other major stresses that struck around the same time.

In the aftermath of losing my career, I became suicidal and ended up hospitalized on suicide watch. After discharge, I experienced intense mood fluctuations for five days which culminated in a series of profound spiritual experiences. Unfortunately, psychiatrists labelled these as ‘hallucinations’ and ‘delusions’. They diagnosed me with type I bipolar disorder, and started me on a staggering medication regimen. In short order I deteriorated from fully functioning surgeon to over-sedated mental patient.

It has taken ten years to get back to mental health. The first six years or so were pretty hellish, but the ones since have brought me wonderful growth. I have explored a number of different types of therapy, increased my meditative practice, and blossomed spiritually. I’ve learned to keep a fairly regular schedule of exercise and meditation. I work hard to maintain equilibrium. Most of the time I succeed, but anyone who looks through this site will recognize many periods of darkness.

This blog began in May 2009. Looking back, I am pleased to see evidence of much personal growth in the short time since the site was launched.

This ‘About’ essay has changed several times. If you read the comments, you’ll notice that many refer to older versions. I hate to delete them, because messages from visitors seem like special gifts that should be preserved. Also, anyone who wishes to communicate privately can email me: will@willspirit.com.