WillSpirit

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ A Blog Devoted to Balance, Peace, and Clarity ∞

A formerly depressed physician tells stories of trauma, grief and recovery, and offers suggestions for emerging from darkness, living with mood swings, and awakening to life.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.




What’s left?

There is no atmosphere.
There is no earth underfoot,
No stars overhead, no clouds, no birds, no sky.
There is nothing but your mind
Floating like a dust mote in an empty room,
A room with no walls, no windows, no door.
You are emptiness itself and you are full
Of nothing.
You have neither body nor brain,
Neither gender nor age,
You are not God.
You are not anything but your mind
Emptied of memories and history,
Free of concepts and desire,
Innocent, virginal, waiting.

But what is left in absence of earth, sky, and body?
What remains without memory, history, or desire?
Would you still exist?
Is there any mind free of context?
Is there any being separate from brain cell and society?

No one can say, though many try.
You cannot know,
And might not want to.

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What’s left? was published on August 4th, 2010. To date, this entry has received 2 comments.






Another Hiatus

Well, my proposal to the other site seems to have been rejected. I haven’t heard formally, but since I haven’t heard anything at all I’m guessing that’s their way of saying ‘no’. Naturally, I’m disappointed. But it is also true that I’m concentrating on learning acupuncture right now, and blogging is time consuming. Maybe it’s best that I not be committed to another project. In any event, I feel tired of blogging. As I visit other sites, it seems many people get to a point of frustration with it. Building an audience is difficult, comments are sparse, and I’m no longer feeling the same need to write essays. In fact, I’m recognizing that I miss poetry. Long ago poems were all I wrote, but I gave them up at some point. Now I’m thinking of going that direction again. A recent poetry class left me feeling quite encouraged that I have something to say via poetry that’s not coming out in prose. I’m giving thought to the possibility of using this site less as a blog and more as a place to put my poems. For now, I’m taking another of my regular breaks from blogging. I liked the idea of posting ‘tips’ for getting well, but the idea found no traction with others, and it’s time to move on.

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Another Hiatus was published on August 3rd, 2010. To date, this entry has received 3 comments.






Guide Posts for EarthWalks

A couple of days ago I submitted a blog proposal to a well-known site. I’d like to be one of that site’s many bloggers, mainly to increase my audience. Whether the idea gets accepted or not, the pitch I presented describes where I want to take my blogging. It may never get beyond WillSpirit, but the idea is to start focusing on pragmatic steps one can take to improve frame of mind. I’ve been philosophizing here for 15 months, but lately my opinions are feeling less important and less interesting. I think it’s because I’m trying to move away from over-reliance on verbal, analytical mind states. Opinion pieces are all about analysis, and I’d rather write in ways that will encourage me and others to adopt different approaches to life.

So here’s my proposal, a bit modified. At this turning point, any suggestions would be very, very welcome.

In recent weeks I’ve shifted the focus of my writing. It started with the piece I wrote about turning off the news. That was a turning point for me because rather than writing in a musing, philosophical way I offered a simple and concrete suggestion for improving mental health. All the recent entries on WillSpirit have done the same thing, with increasing clarity of purpose.

I propose to continue using this formula. The posts would run about 400 words, and would each focus on a single technique that one can employ in daily life to ease sadness, reduce anxiety, increase acceptance, achieve relaxation, etc. Some would be obvious, like physical activity or meditation, but would be presented with unique bits of information or interesting exercises. For instance, in one of my recent posts I suggested that those who were raised without much affection (like me) could visualize fictional happy childhood scenes as a way of bringing a sense of love into the heart. Some would be simple steps like the one about turning off the news. Others would discuss cognitive style, such as a post I recently wrote about maintaining perspective during low moods. Some will be more philosophical, perhaps reframing the way we view mental illness, but always with a well-defined and pragmatic ‘tip’ for improving balance.

In the course of my own mental health work, I’ve accumulated a vast collection of tricks to stay on track. It is this library of healthy practices that I want to share.

I’ve yet to come up with the ideal blog title, but working possibilities include:

‘Tips for Earth Visitors’; ‘Tips 4 Human Joy’; ‘How to Get the Most Out of Your Human Life’; ‘The Lunatic’s Guide to Human Happiness’

Maybe these titles aren’t so great, but they show where I’m headed (and I’m open to suggestions).

That’s it. Does it sound viable?

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Guide Posts for EarthWalks was published on July 29th, 2010. To date, this entry has received no comments.






Steal This Idea

It occurred to me this morning that my plan of writing tips for recovery is not only unoriginal, which is obvious, but may come from a very specific source. I attend meditation groups led by Rick Hanson, the author of The Buddha’s Brain. In his book and in meditations, Rick combines modern neuroscience with Buddhist contemplative practice. He also sends out a weekly email entitled ‘Just One Thing‘, i.e., just one thing you can work on each week to achieve a better frame of mind. His suggestions are practical and based on modern psychotherapeutics, brain science, and Buddhism. I really like them and suggest to others that they sign up for Rick’s service.

It wasn’t thought through on a conscious level, but I believe Rick’s work prompted me to start including ‘Tips 4 Survival on Earth’ in my blog. My background is far less impressive, my writing less organized, and my ideas less unique, but I like the idea of offering practical advice rather than philosophical musings. I’ve reached a stage where it’s become clear that the ultimate answer will always lie beyond reach. Rather than trying to figure out spirituality and life, I want to work on improving both. Hence the tips.

The tip for today, therefore, is that we should be shameless larcenists in collecting ideas that work. Not only should we learn from others, but we should spread the knowledge. Of course, whenever possible this should be done with attribution and linkbacks. But in truth pure ideas are not subject to copyright. Luckily, the legal system recognizes both the futility and inadvisability of blocking the free flow of concepts and realizations. We are fortunate that modern society is finally finding effective tools for dealing with psychic angst. Many come from ancient sources like Buddhism, but some are based on very recent research. This is reason for celebration, and it is a good time to spread the word. It turns out the bumper sticker is right: Suffering is Optional.

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Steal This Idea was published on July 25th, 2010, with these tags: , , . To date, this entry has received 1 comment.






The Long View

Today’s post really will be short, just the way I had hoped all my ‘tips’ for surviving on Earth would be. Partly, it’s because I’m not feeling well: the body feels achy and fatigued, the mind slightly dull and blue. Such states happen to humans, or at least to me. When I feel like this, it is important to maintain the long view. Perhaps more for those with mood conditions than those without, it is easy to get trapped by the moment’s mood. If I feel a bit down now, something inside me concludes that this is just the way the world is: it’s a depressing place, and always has been, and always will be.

But of course that’s not true. Yesterday at this exact same time of day (6:30 am) I felt delightful. My heart thrummed happily and I was brimming with memories of the previous day spent on a beautiful hike in Yosemite (Hetch Hetchy–photo above) with my wife. For some reason, now that things feel a little icky, my heart wants to generalize. It forgets the good feelings of 24 hours ago. It forgets all the good feelings of my life. My heart has a ‘depressed’ nest that it knows intimately, and it settles into the dark chamber as if that were its only home. This, I think, is what psychiatrists mean when they say depression can be a delusional disorder. My heart’s conclusion that the world is fundamentally not working for me is flawed and based on limited data. If I look at the evidence of my entire life I come up with a different perspective: life is often hard, but not always. If I wait, the good times and the good feelings will come again. It’s almost guaranteed.

So I need to use my cognitive mind to override my heart’s pessimism. I need to remind myself, repeatedly, that this is just a mood and that it will pass. It also helps to practice mindfulness in this situation, but I’m trying to limit my posts to one point each so I won’t go into that. Instead, I’ll emphasize that one can combat darkness with a trained mind. I won’t be able to talk myself into full happiness, but if I replay pleasant memories, keep the long view in mind, and work on patience, I’ll pass through this dip in the road in short order. The alternative would be to believe my heart’s pessimism, but I intend to resist that delusion.

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The Long View was published on July 24th, 2010, with these tags: , , , . To date, this entry has received 6 comments.






The Healing Toolbox

A comment on my essay Truer than Truth, left by the author of Just Some Stuff About Life As I See It, gave me the idea for today’s post and tip for clarity. JSS spotted undeniable pitfalls in visualizing a better childhood than the one actually lived. If one were to only deal with a traumatic upbringing by imagining a better past, one would simply be in deep denial. There is little recovery to be gained by unexamined denial (though it is sometimes necessary for survival). Also, if I psychically embraced only my fictional family and not my real one, I would be rejecting the wisdom and empathy that (eventually) arose as a result of my experiences.

The trick of imagining a better past only works in the context of a large collection of practices for emotional and spiritual growth. Sometimes I find it more effective to meditate, or just contemplate, about the ways hardship shapes me. Some of my most difficult recent losses have led to unexpected gains in personal maturity and spiritual understanding, and when I feel really put upon it helps to list the positive aspects of events that sometimes seem purely negative. It can be more challenging, but just as valuable, to do the same thing with childhood trauma. I could remind myself, for instance, that going into a healing field (acupuncture) with an eye toward helping those in emotional distress is well-served by my first-person understanding of child abuse. No doubt many who come to me for help (assuming some do) will have endured abusive upbringings.

But the need for flexibility and variety in recovery goes further. If one is dedicated to living well (and this is true for both those with and without psychiatric histories), one needs to attend to the body with proper nutrition, exercise, sleep, hygiene, and health care. One needs to nurture the soul with sojourns in nature, meditation, prayer, and deep acceptance. One needs to develop the mind with readings about recovery, childhood, mental health, and many other topics relevant to growth. And finally, one needs to pleasure the heart with loving relationships, play, creativity, and beauty. There are countless ways to approach each of these categories. For instance, prayer can be spoken in church, it can be offered silently while walking or in bed, it can be sung, or it can be a simple wordless opening to the loving and creative forces of the universe. Although I am often (not always) rather atheistic in my philosophy, I still pray. Perhaps all that hears me is my unconscious mind, but isn’t it valuable to humble oneself before the deeper parts of one’s being? Isn’t this true whether or not there is an actual, listening God? Prayer is a category of tool that comes in many shapes, and can be used in many ways, by anyone.

A skilled craftsperson knows how to select the proper tools for a job, and flexibly shifts among them as he or she works. A long time ago, when I still practiced as a surgeon, I was careful to choose the appropriate instrument for each step in every procedure. As a simple, basic example, I wouldn’t use a scalpel if scissors made more sense. We are all the surgeons of our own personalities. Although events shape us, especially in childhood, we can stitch our experiences into our being in whatever way works best. With a good selection of tools for growth we can pursue healing activities and thoughts, and when we get struck by events outside our control, we can optimize interpretations and responses. If one is dedicated to personal and spiritual development, one is well-advised to put together a large toolbox of tricks to achieve balance, and to use them with creativity and flare.

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The Healing Toolbox was published on July 23rd, 2010, with these tags: , , , . To date, this entry has received 2 comments.






Assume Not

Well, someone unsubscribed from my blog yesterday. The last time that happened I had dissed Dick Cheney, and I ended up rethinking my whole approach to blogging. This time, I suspect the problem is that I’m writing every day. My assumption is that someone got sick of seeing WillSpirit clutter on a daily basis. My first thought was to abandon my plan of posting frequent ‘tips’, but then I realized it’s easy enough for those who don’t like to see WillSpirit in their inbox to unsubscribe. I also considered that since the readership is almost nil anyway, if I’m bothering people I’m not bothering very many people. In short, it seems like whether I write daily or monthly seems mostly a question of what’s best for me, not what others might or might not like.

Then I took the next step, and recognized that there is no way of knowing why the ‘unsubscribe’ notice came in. The person is a stranger and left no message. So acting on a presumption of his or her motive would be truly silly.

Which brings me to my tip for today, borrowed from The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: “Don’t Make Assumptions.” Ruiz’s third agreement makes great sense. I’m far more likely to guess wrong than to accurately understand why others do what they do. What’s more, guesses often reflect my own neurosis more than reality. Better to either seek clarification or stay the course.

I recommend reading and following The Four Agreements. For today, I’m taking Ruiz’s advice by not assuming I know why a member of my tiny audience chose to depart. Which means as long as there’s enough time in my day, I’ll keep posting regular tips for Peace, Balance & Clarity. Communicating these tips helps me remember to do what works, so I’ll keep writing. And I’ll try to stop assuming.

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Assume Not was published on July 22nd, 2010, with these tags: , . To date, this entry has received 2 comments.






Truer than Truth

Today’s post adheres to the plan laid out last time, but it’s not as short as I’d hoped. What follows is a description of one of the tools I use to achieve and maintain Peace, Balance & Clarity. It presents one of my tricks for realizing my blog’s tagline in my own life.

A recent post mentioned (in passing) that I’ve been using a new and helpful meditation. It probably isn’t my creation, but if I heard of it before I’m not sure where. Meditation may be too strong a word; visualization or fantasy might fit better. The basic technique involves imagining a better childhood and family life than I actually experienced.

Longterm readers (assuming there are any) have no doubt heard too many times about my crummy childhood. Rather than repeat it, I’ve written a synopsis on a separate page, for anyone interested. This post doesn’t require that you know the whole story, and in their essence all unhappy childhoods are the same. The truth is, I’ve spent far too much time reliving the sad details of my upbringing. My bereaved and abused childhood has become the background mythology of my life. Although there were fun times, I seldom relive them. Far more often I think about the loneliness, grief, abuse, and neglect. As much as I hate to admit it, I have built a story of myself as a Ruined Child. My aunt tells me that at my youngest ages I was an exceedingly affectionate and happy toddler. But fate and cruelty crushed that innate sweetness, or at least that’s the myth.

So what is my visualization? I picture a completely different upbringing. A big reason my parents first fought and then divorced (setting in motion the destruction of my childhood) was that my father insisted on moving to Los Angeles, where he had discovered ‘swinging’ and ‘free love’. My mother, a proper midwestern girl, hated the place and the lifestyle for which my dad yearned, and refused to go along. In real life, they divorced. In my ‘meditation’, they reached a compromise and moved to Berkeley instead. My father enjoyed the liberal, collegiate environment, and my mother managed to steer him away from the orgies. Rather than dwelling as a bitter left-winger in a conservative neighborhood, my father became a happy radical Berkeley professor. Rather than dying in a psychiatric ward, my mother continued her social work career by helping the mentally ill. She only worked half-time, however, and was home every day after school. I’d arrive home and sweep through the door with my friends, and she’d serve us cookies and milk with a broad smile, patting me lovingly on the head. In other words, I picture a childhood exactly opposite to what really happened. I build the scene out in my mind, visualizing the neighborhood with its huge leafy sycamores, the 1920′s vintage house and its redwood wainscoting, my sweet mother with her floral apron. I smell her chocolate chip cookies and feel her fingers mussing my hair. It feels as ‘real’ as any ‘true’ memory.

At a recent meditation seminar led by a therapist, I mentioned this practice and was told that the brain can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality in memory. While I believe there are embodied traumatic experiences that the brain does hold onto as implicit memory, and that can’t easily be overwritten, the narrative stories we remember may well be subject to revision. So if I spend enough time reliving my imaginary childhood, perhaps my brain will gradually heal itself. More important, perhaps my mind will let go of the Myth of the Ruined Child. In fact, that seems to be happening. Now, whenever the Ugly Past enters my mind, I replace it with the (imagined) Happy Childhood. Whereas in the old days I often made myself feel sorrowful and unwanted by replaying my upbringing, I now actually feel cheered by trips down Memory Lane. A sense of myself as a Loved Being is growing within. Does it matter that the memory I’m reliving is fictional? Not if it works, in my opinion.

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Truer than Truth was published on July 21st, 2010, with these tags: , , , . To date, this entry has received 4 comments.






Stepping Toward Serenity


My idea is to write a series of short(er) posts that will help me stay in a centered frame of mind. My last entry described how I vacillate between oceanic acceptance and claustrophobic self-pity. The human mind can shape itself, and I intend to sculpt mine to stand with contentment and stability in the gale of fate. I’ve grown tired of crumbling, and knowing there is an alternative, I have committed to solidity and balance.


Success requires more than a vow. Action is mandatory. There are countless steps I take to improve my frame of mind. I work to buttress my weak areas, exercise my strengths, and explore new modes of thought and being. My plan is to write a short piece more or less daily, with an eye toward concrete behavioral, cognitive, or spiritual actions I employ (or should employ) to increase the proportion of time lived in the space of equanimity.


THINK LESS!

In earlier times, I prided myself on my intelligence. Half way through a rebellious high school career I took to heart what people had been telling me since toddlerhood: I had a good mind. With little else to prop up my self esteem, I began applying myself in studies and quickly raised my grades. In college I found an environment where sharp thinking was rewarded. I excelled in analytical sciences even more than in biology, though the latter was my passion. My father had innate mathematical talent, and I may have inherited the trait. Or perhaps living in a dangerous and chaotic family trained me to scrutinize and scheme. No matter where it came from, I had an ability to problem solve that was noted repeatedly and carried me to a reasonable level of academic success. Thinking gave me a rewarding career, financial security, and feelings of power.

As I sketched in yesterday’s essay, however, all that evaporated ten years ago. Ever after, compulsive thinking has been a liability rather than an asset. I can spend long, boring hours ruminating about my losses and my fears. If I don’t stop myself, I analyze my life from every conceivable angle, always looking for an escape route. Something inside desperately wants to fix my predicament. But thinking is not the answer. It only keeps my frustrations on center stage, and accelerates the engine of anxiety. It has taken a long time for me to truly believe this, and it requires ongoing effort to change my pattern.

I strive to think less. Even with that goal foremost in my awareness, my mind manages to churn out plenty of thoughts, more than enough to solve my various problems and prepare for the future. But whenever I notice my mind thinking aimlessly, or worrying, or criticizing, I stop. There are many tricks I use. Since my goal is to make these entries short, I’ll name just one.

Let’s say I’m walking and worrying at the same time. This happens often. If I catch myself, I start doing a body scan. The body scan is a simple mindfulness exercise taught in meditation classes, especially those given in clinical settings. One moves one’s conscious attention from one extreme of the body to the other. One can start with head or feet, but I usually start low and work up. I pay attention to one foot at a time, focusing in turn on each toe, or even each part of each toe, and then moving to the sole of my foot, the top, the sides, the inner sensations of the joints, and so on. I explore the feelings in each location for one or two breaths, and move on. I finish with one foot and then move to the other. I complete the feet and journey to the ankles, calves, knees and on up my body. If the walk ends before the scan reaches the head, I make a mental note to pick up where I left off on the next walk.

It’s a busier walking meditation than Buddhists teach, but it’s what my mind needs to distract itself. It’s a challenge to feel the fourth toe, for instance. My brain just never focused on it before, and I have to strengthen the sensory pathway. It’s interesting to pay attention to the movements in all the many foot bones, and feel the pressure of the ground transmit through my feet to my legs. I feel far more in touch with my body from doing this practice. Better yet, I think less.

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Stepping Toward Serenity was published on July 20th, 2010, with these tags: , , , . To date, this entry has received 2 comments.






Blessing or Curse?

The age old question of suffering’s meaning has been on my mind lately. Anyone who has looked at the few memoir pieces on this site knows my childhood gave me little sense of safety or love. As is true for many, if not most, of those who have major issues with depression, my upbringing was filled with sorrow, fear, loneliness, and shame. Even so, I entered adulthood with a huge amount of energy and an insistent drive to escape my past. I worked hard, albeit a bit erratically, to succeed in school. I got accepted to top medical training programs, and managed to secure an excellent post when I finished. Although my personal life was ever stormy, my professional life followed a smooth upward trajectory. By age forty I believed the past was behind me. I had triumphed.

Then the whole thing collapsed. My neck developed serious disk problems, causing excruciating pain. When I realized the constant, intense aching was on the verge of reducing the quality of my operations, I concluded I could no longer ethically work as a surgeon. Life quickly became confusing, and I made a number of rash decisions that have haunted me for the past ten years. I ended up in a hospital for depression, and was discharged on medications that triggered an intense manic episode. After the mania resolved, I settled into a deep and stubborn depression. At first I trusted my psychiatrist as she put me on ever-increasing doses and numbers of medications. After a few years, however, the dreadful side effects became far worse than the dark moods that the drugs were barely elevating. As I tapered my medication load, I struggled to accept the permanent and humiliating bodily damage the crude pharmaceuticals had inflicted. I also looked back on career opportunities that had been ruined by the sedating effects of the powerful drugs. Then, just as I secured a solid handle on that latest grief, in the past year my arthritis pains began increasing. I had enjoyed a relative break of many years when I quit operating, but now the pain is often as bad as when I worked as a surgeon, without me doing anything to exacerbate it. The only consolation is that I am better able to tolerate and function with discomfort.

Spiritually, I alternate between two frames of mind. The first is a profound state of acceptance. I am able to embrace the whole rocky story of my life, and recognize how much it has taught me about humanity, adversity, and struggle. I feel at peace in every cell of my being, filled with a sense that this entire drama has made me into a person with a unique perspective and at least a little wisdom. On the other hand, sometimes I only feel sorry for myself. Why did I have to grow up hated, abused, and neglected? Why did I have to lose my hard-won career so early? Why have I had to contend with the subsequent menacing depressions, awful discouragement, and medication-induced injuries? Why do I have to suffer such physical pain? It’s all-too-easy to think: “Poor me!”

In spiritual systems I see two broad solutions to the problem of suffering. The Judeo-Christian formula is to look at hardship as God’s will. Either God is punishing me for my sinfulness, or God is sending these trials in order to enrich my soul. Regardless of the motive, trauma is inflicted by an all-powerful, all-knowing creative deity who sees what is best for me, or at least what I deserve. The Eastern view has to do with karma. My tribulations result from conditions set in motion long ago. In its purest form, the Law of Karma would tell me my difficulties are the fruit of harm I inflicted in earlier lifetimes. Perhaps I was a torturing, genocidal war criminal in a past life. Karma-lite remains neutral on reincarnation, but tells me my hardships are the consequences of my own actions in this life. In truth, much of my adult difficulty did come from my own choices, including the various destructive acts I’ve performed. But that doesn’t explain my childhood; it’s hard to see how a seven-year-old boy could have earned the kinds of torment my stepmother perpetrated in the dead of night.

The hard-nosed scientific approach is to see suffering as largely random and without meaning. Some aboriginal systems would suggest I’d been cursed.

All I can say for sure is that the tribulations have indeed shaped me. Sadly, they have sapped me of joy and enthusiasm. But it is also true that most of my best qualities have arisen from my struggle. More than ever before I try hard not to hurt others, now that I see how deeply pain can penetrate. I acutely feel the sorrows and frustrations of those who open up to me about their own stories; I am sure my empathy is vastly greater than if life had been easier. Fear has largely evaporated because my past agony has been so immense that no matter what happens, I am unlikely to feel anything worse than I have already endured; I am confident, at last, of my ability to survive anything. I can write with all sincerity: “Yes, the suffering has had value. It has both tempered me and softened me. It has expanded my heart, sharpened my vision, and opened my soul.”

And yet, much of the time I simply wish things had been easier.

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Blessing or Curse? was published on July 19th, 2010, with these tags: , , , . To date, this entry has received no comments.