WillSpirit!


∞ Where Mental Skills Heal Mental Ills ∞

A former physician writes about mental health and recovery using insights from life, science, and spiritual practice.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Balancing Mind with Heart

Readers of this blog have demonstrated their preference for intimate sharing over intellectual musing. Abstract, reasoned posts garner few comments and occasionally prompt people to unsubscribe from WillSpirit. Reader involvement has waned of late, and I suspect that’s because many of my recent essays have been more philosophical than emotional.

But I need to write about metaphysics, the nature of knowing (technically, epistemology), and consiousness. Although its primary motive is helping others, my blogging nurses the wounds inflicted by past traumas and setbacks. Grounded spirituality supports my health, and philosophical essays situate my mystical aspirations on solid footings.

Several years ago I switched from a private practice psychiatrist to Kaiser’s mental health clinic. My new doctor offered two observations early in our relationship. First, she remarked that I was taking a lot of ‘garbage,’ by which she meant my half-dozen psychiatric medications. Second, she opined that my only hope for lasting peace of mind was to find a spiritual solution to the problems caused by my traumatic upbringing and devastating career loss.

Her contempt for my medication regimen shocked and alarmed me. I had trusted my prior psychiatrist and obediently taken all the pills she prescribed. It had never occurred to me that a different doctor would view the cocktail of potent drugs as excessive and dangerous. My new psychiatrist’s perspective forced me to realize that the dreadful side effects I’d incurred might have been avoided had I started out with more competent care.

Even more perplexing was the advice about spirituality. I’d attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for twenty years and had been trying to find a ‘Higher Power’ the entire time. After my transcendent experiences in 2000 (which doctors diagnosed as manic psychosis), I’d managed to sustain religious fervor for a few years. But the mystical resonance had worn off (indeed, the earlier psychiatrist had discouraged my exploration of mystical states). How was I going to find spirituality with a materialist worldview predetermined by my atheist upbringing?

Around the same time, I became friends with someone who had been active in AA for a long time but struggled with the Twelve Steps’ emphasis on God. Despite some moderating language in its Big Book, AA usually makes God sound like an all-powerful parent (i.e., Yahweh). Both for my friend’s sake and my own, I began writing blog posts to ferret out a transcendent path free of mythic and irrational beliefs.

I dovetailed this work with attendance at local Buddhist sanghas and retreats for over a year, and then a like amount of time training at a nearby Hindu center. Prior to this, my meditation practice had been developed in either Quaker or secular contexts (i.e., mindfulness classes at my local medical center). The former provided little instruction, and the latter ignored mystical implications. In contrast, Buddhist programs offered specific guidance toward deep currents of consciousness, and the Hindu tradition connected meditative states to cosmic love. As I progressed along these paths, WillSpirit essays helped me reconcile my spiritual insights with my understanding of biology and physics. The search was on.

My Buddhist and Hindu explorations overlapped with my study of Chinese Medicine as I prepared to practice acupuncture. Readers already know the outcome of that professional venture, but the schooling exposed me to Taoism, Confucianism, and other Chinese philosophies. These studies complemented my growing understanding of Buddhist and Hindu metaphysics. For the first time, I began to feel comfortable with Eastern mysticism. Blogging organized my thinking as I incorporated an entirely new set of philosophies into my worldview.

As many experts have asserted, it is easy to find parallels between Eastern philosophy and the counterintuitive reality revealed by modern physics (especially quantum mechanics). Similarly, although divergent in emphasis, both holistic healing and conventional medicine restore vitality to weakened organisms. WillSpirit became the platform on which I integrated newfound holism with the reductionism I’d absorbed as an undergraduate, graduate, and medical student.

You can see how blogging about philosophy has helped me mature. Since gaining insight remains central to my mental health, metaphysical writing will remain a key feature of WillSpirit.

Even so, I respect the needs of my readers. When I visit other blogs, I’m most touched when the writers reveal inner conflicts or neuroses that resonate with my own difficulties. I want WillSpirit to serve as a locus for kindred souls to gather and heal as one. Besides, just as philosophizing helps me grow, sharing my life experience helps me heal.

With that in mind, let me end by revealing how devastated I’ve felt during the past two days. After weeks of slow improvement, the neck pain that had so worsened around the time of my hospitalization returned full-force. I may have overstretched doing yoga, or maybe the intense pain and spasm happened for no reason. But until I broke down and started taking muscle relaxants and narcotics, I could barely move because of intense, stabbing pain in my neck, shoulder, and upper back.

This was bad enough, but the awful discomfort also had its predictable effect on my mood. I spiraled quickly into an angry depression, complete with specific plans for suicide. My thinking bordered on the delusional, as evidenced by my suggesting that my wife prepare for my death. On what planet would that be the right thing to say? I didn’t announce a definite decision, but I told her that my reserves were running dry and it felt like I’d lived long enough. I wanted the suffering to end, once and for all. Naturally, this greatly alarmed her and left us both shell-shocked for the next 24 hours.

As an alternative to suicide, I gave in and took pills. Narcotic pain relievers alarm me because of my past addiction problems, but they seemed preferable to sliding further toward suicide.

Where was my vaunted spiritual perspective during all this uproar? I must admit it failed me. I felt only sucking despair and lost my ability to mentally detach from pain. The agony worsened as I looked at my professional failures and troubled friendships through the lens of discouragement and self-contempt. I felt unable or perhaps unwilling to step back and adopt ‘The Watcher’ stance that usually saves me.

Today I’m feeling better. After a day of lessened pain and tension, I can now discern a spiritual light shining dimly in my heart. I can see the bigger picture, though the narrow view still tugs at me.

Maybe the philosophical posts are my way of sidestepping true emotion. If they serve avoidance, it’s no surprise they don’t engage readers. But I still think such writings help me. They don’t vaccinate me against despair, but they elaborate a spiritual philosophy that is independent of specific beliefs and resistant to doubt. Such a foundation makes it easier for me to accept my hardships with an open heart. Obviously, it sometimes takes time and even medication to unlock the gate, but I know where to find relief.

Hopefully, my readership will understand and forgive my putting personal needs first. Although the philosophical posts are often boring, they serve my psyche. I also realize that successful blogs usually stick to a single subject area; I appreciate my readers for indulging the obvious variability of theme (e.g., mental health, metaphysics, neuroscience). Long ago I promised to write the Whole Story. For me, that includes dispassionate contemplation as well as heartfelt intimacy. But the ultimate goal is to help us all discover paths to Peace of Mind.

In my own clumsy way, I seek to reconcile rationality with intuition, mind with heart, Will with Spirit. As boring as it often sounds, this is my best formula for Grace.

>> Share on Facebook
>>

Balancing Mind with Heart was published on May 7th, 2012 . 10 comments






Working Less and Living More

Work and productivity. Who needs them?

This is a question much on my mind now that I’ve dropped back into retirement. The last post detailed my angst around this topic. Today I offer one line of thinking that helps me maintain sanity in the face of abundant free time.

Freud considered work one of the pillars of successful living. The vaunted Protestant work ethic remains a standard in this country, and it isn’t limited to Protestants or the United States. National economies are judged on the basis of Gross Domestic Product. Corporations celebrate increased productivity in their communications to stockholders.

Each of the sentences in the previous paragraph offers a different perspective on the value of working and production, but they all reach the same conclusion. Psychologists who disagree with Freud about almost everything else would still concur that work (along with love) leads to satisfaction. Religions of all stripes value community involvement, and many embrace concepts similar to the Buddhist one of Right Livelihood. Countries are deemed in ascension or decline depending on whether their economic output is growing or stagnating. And companies push their workforces ever harder in attempts to squeeze out more product per employee.

You can see these perspectives vary in their humanism. Psychologists value individual wellbeing. Spiritual leaders promote communal advancement and personal involvement. Nations insist on expansion. And corporations demand maximal profits. Most readers attracted to a blog like this will recognize the value of individual and collective health but question nationalism and blind profiteering. At least in principle, they would agree with the pursuit of Right Livelihood.

In principle, so do I. But what happens when repeated attempts at productive work fail? How does a person feel worthy when physical and mental difficulties limit employment?

Let me begin by saying that I continue to help out when possible. I try to support my friends. I do a little volunteering. I offer love and attention to my wife and dogs. Judging by the comments and emails, this blog seems to assist others in their growth. These are all contributions that should not be discounted. But my number of hours spent performing anything resembling work is embarrassingly small. I do a little, but not enough to count for much in this culture.

Does that matter? Can we be sure our conditioning to work, work, work makes sense?

Let’s investigate the above realms in reverse order, starting with the corporate. What percentage of manufacturing actually benefits the collective good? My guess is no more than half. The rapacious exploitation of resources and promiscuous marketing of gadgetry only hastens the collapse of our ecosystem. The heavy burdens placed on workers, who toil for subsistence while those higher on the socioeconomic scale reap vast profits, can hardly be viewed as beneficial.

It’s difficult to consider the community of nations healthy when each member strives to dominate as large a sphere as possible. The US struggles to maintain its influence as China rapidly aggrandizes power. Smaller countries fight neighbors with weaponry and trade laws. Granted, nations are gradually losing ground to corporations that defy geographical boundaries, but this only reduces local control over the environment and workplace laws. The decline of national power does nothing to slow the trend toward ever more production and consumption.

Perhaps we can dismiss the ethic of productivity as touted by corporations and nation-states. But can we feel morally justified in the pursuit of leisure? What of the spiritual and psychological motives for work?

Spiritually, we are called to help those in need. But this doesn’t necessarily imply long or difficult labor. Certainly, those with abundant energy and resources do well using their bounty for good works. But we who are more limited can feel fine doing less. Why not pick up a little litter while walking the dogs, and call it a day? Smiling at a friend, or even an enemy, offers a bit of support without burning up reserves. Helping out can be done on a small scale. I doubt there are divine forces condemning those who spend more time relaxing, and less time striving. After all, Jesus asked us to “consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin…” (Luke 12:27).

Psychologically, work helps because it gives meaning. The trick, then, is to find meaning with less work. This can be a challenge when we’ve been conditioned to measure the value of employment in terms of hours expended, dollars earned, or projects completed. But what if part of the value of a job comes from the freedom one enjoys by not spending all day working? There’s a hint of this in the way people plan for retirement. Why not combine work and retirement rather than doing first one and then the other? A society that builds labor-saving appliances would normally be expected to encourage leisure rather than labor. Maybe we can find more meaning with less effort.

No doubt these sound like shallow justifications for my lifestyle, now that I’ve given up on striving. But although I’m riffing on this topic out of personal necessity, I do think we have been seduced by a work ethic that might once have made sense but now makes us miserable. After all, the world doesn’t need more product; our ecosystem is screaming for relief. Unemployment would end if each employee worked a third fewer hours. People might feel joyous if they could spend more time with friends and family and less time toiling.

I’m not suggesting laziness, just studied leisure. I wouldn’t advocate hours in front of a television set, but why not spend some afternoons at the local park? How about daily meditations under a tree or weekly reading groups at the library? If there are any imperatives in life, one must be to enjoy the beauty of this miraculous cosmos. We can’t do that if we spend the bulk of our time working.

Addendum: Obviously, for some people economic necessity forces excessive labor. This is a social problem that needs to be solved at a higher level through better wages, etc. But it is also true that some of what seems like necessity is actually excess. Do people truly need all the goods and services they work to afford? Could we do without as many phones, cars, clothes, and gadgets? Could we survive in homes kept a little colder in the winter and hotter in the summer? Could we get by on less? I suspect most of us could.

>> Share on Facebook
>>

Working Less and Living More was published on May 2nd, 2012 . 6 comments






Will’s Spirit Project, Initial Thoughts

sundial

Sadly, no one seems to have been intrigued by my last post. Of course, the number of people visiting my still-new blog remains small. (I have to keep reminding myself how recently I started this project, or else I get discouraged when I visit sites that get ten comments to a post.) Maybe it just happened that no one tuned in to look at the post. Probably a sign that I need to head back out to some of the other 200,000,000 blogs and start leaving comments, so people will find out about me.

Nevertheless, as I slept last night (actually, as laid awake thinking) this sense of being ‘called’ to write out my spiritual understanding grew stronger and stronger. I cannot let the power of my psychotic ‘visions’ just pass out of my life the way you gradually forget about a bad flu. I refuse to think what happened was just a symptom of ‘mental illness.’ At the time the experiences seemed to be true messages from something far larger and more mysterious than I had ever suspected to exist. Even though it remains clear to me that everything that happened might have just been hallucinatory and delusional, it still seems that I should not just brush it all off. It would be tragic if ‘God’ somehow communicated with me, and I just ignored the call. I have read quite a bit about spirituality and consciousness, and pondered quite a bit more, for the past nine years. Since for most of that time I have not been employed, those nine years translate into an enormous number of hours combining concentration and looking inward without thought (plus meditating) in order to work things out. It is a body of work I want to develop into a product for the world, knowing full well that chances are good no one will pay attention.

As spelled out in my ‘About’ section, I have a solid education for the task of pulling together basic principles of science (e.g., physics, mathematics, many areas of biology, etc). Given my spiritual readings, retreats, meditations, and a love of writing I feel comfortable and assured combining this science with even more basic spiritual principles. I think another advantage is that I began developing these ideas with few preconceived ideas about ‘God’. As I’ve mentioned in my ‘About’ section, my father worked hard to convince me that religion is no more valid than fantasy, and he mostly succeeded. However, my grandparents had deep-seated faith, and my older sister was exploring ‘New Age’ movements before they even got that name. So I always held my dad’s opinion lightly, remaining open to other possibilities. The end result was that I entered adulthood as something close to a ‘blank slate’ in spiritual matters.

I have great respect for Christianity. My ‘visions’ had many Christian elements, and for years afterward I practiced devoutly as a Roman Catholic. My ideas about Christ form part of my ‘philosophy’ (I need to come up with a better name; any ideas?), as will come out as I go along. I do believe Jesus had immense divine presence within him. As a caveat, however, I cannot say that I believe he was the only son of God. There have been others, with the Buddha coming instantly to mind. (Despite the fact that the Buddha did not propose any kind of personal deity, I don’t think my ideas stand in much opposition to the fundaments of Buddhist philosophy. Others can be the judge of that as this goes forward.)

I truly hope someone will follow along with me, but if not I will still plug away. I don’t intend for this to be the onlything I blog about. Not at all. I may even move this project to its own page (but not a different URL, it is too important for me to move away from WillSpirit). I welcome, and actually would not hesitate to beg for input from others. I am under no illusion that I have the whole truth, or that I can’t gain from outside perspectives.

The goal is to come up with something that is as ‘true’ as I can make it, but also useful. I’m not sure I would be going to this trouble if I did not think my view of the universe has implications for how to live a good, productive, and satisfying life. I humbly pray (in my own sense of the term) for assistance to make this happen.

>> Share on Facebook
>>

Will’s Spirit Project, Initial Thoughts was published on July 23rd, 2009 . 5 comments






Archives