WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


We ARE All This


December is poetry month here at WillSpirit. Please forgive the digression as I take a needed break from essay writing. Just scroll back to November to get to the real substance.

The problem
Behind every problem
That plagues our humanity
Is our common sense
Of ourselves as solid and important,
Separate and special,
Whether as individuals, religions, nations, races,
Or a species.
We are NOT.
We are NOT separate from what we see.
We are NOT better than beetles,
Or smarter than snakes,
Or nobler than nuts,
Because we ARE beetles, snakes, and nuts.
Even as we think these thoughts as selves,
We ARE life in all its sacred and ordinary glory.
The web of ecology doesn’t surround us,
It is what we ARE as individuals, races, and species.
So terrifying to watch a loved one make bad choices
And self-destruct.
So much worse to watch humanity
Cut off an arm to mine coal from a mountain,
Or rip off its skin to raise cattle in the tropics,
Or incinerate its members to protect oil in the desert,
Or taint its blood and oceans with poisons.
The problem
Isn’t that we make bad decisions about how to manage the world.
It’s that we think there’s a separate world to manage.
We ARE the world of life. We ARE.

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Feeding My Family

Last night, for the joy of it, I slept outside under the dazzling arm of the Milky Way. Here on the rising edge of mountains, with clean air and no urban electric glare, stars innumerable float suspended in the ink-black night. It might have been restful, but in fact I slept little. Partly, the awesome sight of our galaxy overhead kept me stimulated and awake. Even more, the intermittent buzz of mosquitoes brought me out of drowsiness and into sharp awareness.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, as they say. From the infinite and eternal cosmos hanging above to the tiny bloodsucker hovering by my ear. Around three in the morning I retrieved a citronella mister that kept the little critters at bay. But until that time, I dispassionately witnessed my physical and mental reactions as each insect flew near. I admit feeling tempted to swat, but I didn’t. Sometimes I waved my hands vigorously in vain and silly attempts to chase away the hungry females (all blood feeding is done by the female mosquito, not the male–she’s the one who needs the protein for eggs). Most of the time, I just laid still and waited for the animal to alight. If I felt her on my skin, I gently waved her off. If not, well, I got bitten. Even as I sent my consciousness into the vastness, I lent my blood to the cycle of life in the foothills. It wasn’t pleasant, but I felt strangely at peace with my fate, despite the risk of disease and the promise of itchy inflammation.

The thing is, my awareness of mosquito consciousness seemed surprisingly real. It seemed like I felt the hunger of these delicate creatures who yearn to procreate. It was my own hunger, my own yearning, writ small but potently in the instincts of another life form. At some time in the far distant past the mosquito and I shared a common ancestor; something vaguely like an earthworm laid eggs that yielded embryos that ended up diverging into the great animal phyla of Arthropoda and Chordata. The mosquito shares many of my enzymes, lives by similar hormonal drives, and buzzes through its short life not all that differently from how I walk through mine. She and I are one family, one LIFE.

Have you noticed how the themes of Unity and Connection have me fixated? This is the fifth consecutive post that touches on them. To be inspired by these topics seems like a good sign. To feel so connected to everything feels healthy. Not that I’ve shed my neuroses or become a saint, but I feel less lonely now. I am not an isolated, struggling ego fighting for its share. I am life itself. I am the mosquito and the mosquito’s prey. I am the galaxy and the sky in which it turns. I am extended by all that exists even as I type here in my little human body, with my little human hands.

So I send these glyphs into cyberspace. My insignificant data stream gets reconstructed on a small handful of computers. One of those machines presents these words to you, reading them in this very moment. You, who are also me. For indeed we, and all, are one.

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The Circle of Life

An ant milking aphids. Is this a mindless robot?

Since I took the plunge and signed a lease for an acupuncture office, my blogging has again tapered off. Whatever writing I’ve managed has mostly been directed at filling my business website with content. Today my plan is to write a short piece to keep my blog alive, and I’ve decided to discuss an interesting factoid that came my way.

Although I’ve long been fascinated by invertebrates in general and insects in particular (both my undergraduate and graduate studies emphasized learning about these creatures, first their ecology and then their neurophysiology), an unusual feature of ant colonies never caught my attention until a few days ago. In their subterranean nests, ants establish separate chambers for garbage and for dead colony mates. Both types of compartments are positioned far from more active areas of the colony, and far from each other.

Why does this strike me as significant? Well, it may not be the most profound fact to base a post on, but it reminds me of how corpse burial in prehistoric (and Neanderthal) societies is considered an indication of spiritual sensibility. It is presumed to show an awakening of consciousness to the predicament of mortal life. Of course, in such interment the deceased is often surrounded by totem objects that obviously suggest a belief in afterlife or at least an attempt to assuage grief. The ants don’t take things so far, but there is no biological reason why their dead bodies shouldn’t just be tossed on the garbage heap with everything else. What evolutionary advantage accrues from separating dead companions from detritus?

This isn’t an observation that can be taken very far. I’m not suggesting that ants have deep spiritual awareness, but they do seem to view dead ants differently broken twigs or decaying leaves. Ants are highly attuned to pheromones, and their corpses no doubt smell significant. It makes sense that they would note the difference and segregate, but only if we grant that they have a certain affinity for members of their tribe relative to other organic debris.

This counters the view prevalent during my graduate days, when invertebrate nervous systems were analyzed as if they were hard-wired processors for biological robots. The idea that these animals might have quirky or even sentimental behavior was not considered. I wrote a piece last November about a spider’s will to live that touched on the same point. It seems to me that we were wrong back in the eighties when we failed to grant invertebrates a modicum of consciousness.

Perhaps all life is imbued with sensibilities similar to our own, though less elaborately developed. Perhaps care and concern arose very early in the history of living things. It might even be that an incipient love permeates every ecology as life forms interact. Perhaps the biosphere resonates with it.

Yes, this is a stretch. But with all the scientific proscriptions against anthropomorphizing, I think we have gone too far the other direction and denied sensitivity to too many living beings. Maybe if we humbled our view of humanity to admit that we are not fundamentally different from other creatures, even insects, we would also admit that we are not too different from one another. Maybe we would offer greater compassion to all other life forms, including humans far outside our local circle.

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Does God Need Us?

In my view, most metaphysical ideas are valid, but none are completely true. I believe this applies to both materialist and spiritualist positions. Having been raised by a physicist to be an atheist, I grew up very skeptical. It wasn’t until age 42 that I began to seriously doubt this anti-religion of my upbringing. Even after experiencing a series of powerful spiritual openings in midlife, I remained resistant. A long program of reading about consciousness studies, psi research, peak experiences, personal transformation, etc., was required before I began to feel confident that the materialist philosophy I grew up believing is incomplete: It’s not wrong, but it’s not the whole story. In my opinion you can say the same about most spiritual systems: none are completely wrong (though some are probably more wrong than others).

The preceding disclaimer paragraph was intended to demonstrate my understanding that what follows is necessarily speculative. I’m not saying that God has any defined or particular form. For that matter, I can’t claim absolute certainty that there is a God. But for the following, let’s agree that some sort of universal consciousness (i.e., God) does exist.

In ordinary parlance, God is taken to be unknowable, powerful, and far beyond human scale. For instance, at times I have felt in touch with an awareness reverberating with the nearly infinite suffering and immeasurable joy of life. This contact was an achingly beautiful and almost unbearable experience.

At other times I’ve seen the impassive flow of creation as a clear and immediate unfolding, instant by instant. I understood the breaking wave of karma to be a dispassionate collapse of ever-narrowing potential determined by the flow of circumstances throughout all history and prehistory. This showed me a creative element that wasn’t a ‘God’ in the usual sense, but which bespoke a mute cosmic intelligence that seemed vast and aloof.

Get the picture? My glimpses of the Ultimate have usually revealed an inscrutable force: huge, potent, and incapable of human intimacy.

However, my first really remarkable spiritual experience actually started very small. It began as a tiny, hovering dot of crimson a short distance in front of my face. This miniscule presence exhibited apparent playfulness as it danced before my eyes momentarily. Then, without warning, it burst into a replay of the cosmic Big Bang that offered me an instantaneous and fleeting comprehension of the full sweep of time from the first incendiary moment until the present day, and the entire span of physical scale, from subatomic realms out to the furthest quasars. Because the explosive flow of visual experience and cosmic insight was so vast (and so saturated with love), the experience of it overwhelmed the dancing, provocative, dimensionless light that went before.

During a spiritual retreat this past weekend, I realized it was time to look back and explore the intimacy of that small light. I was in a Brahma Kumaris center, where their conception of deity sounds a lot like what appeared to me in 2000: a dimensionless light of pure consciousness. The first time I heard the BK sisters describe this picture of God, I was shocked to hear their words so clearly depict what appeared to me just before the mind-bending explosive moment eleven years ago. So on this recent retreat, I meditated on a God that can appear as a universe-spanning panorama, but also as a dimensionless point of light.

A tiny sparkle of God-light looks vulnerable and delicate, despite its vast store of wisdom and experience. It is something approachable, something closer to human scale than the grander conceptions of the Divine. It also reminds me of a powerful aspect of Christianity: the idea that God can suffer, too.

For what God that cared about its creation would not be wounded by seeing it unfold? And wouldn’t such a sensitive deity deserve our compassion and affection? It’s so much easier to understand how we might have something to offer the Divine when it appears so vulnerable and near.

We humans are at our best when we love others, but we usually work harder to find love than to offer it. So it is with religious feelings: we want a God to adore us, but it might be healthier for us to adore God. A deity that is small rather than vast is a deity that is easier to love.

Let’s end by giving atheists their due. Perhaps there is no God. But there is a bountiful and beautiful universe all around us. There are myriad intricate and vulnerable life forms that depend on humanity to preserve their homes and livelihoods. There is a gorgeous planet that provides what we need to live. Even if we don’t believe in a God that needs our affection, we can still realign our priorities to offer support rather than seek it. In doing so, we will earn the right to be called ‘humane.’

And who knows. We may also touch the heart of something divine.

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Prepare for the prodigal’s return

519px-ColeopteraHMNH1

The California Academy of Sciences moved into its state-of-the-art museum and research facility almost exactly a year ago. My training as a docent was conducted in their temporary location near the financial district of San Francisco, in a set-up which I actually liked better than this impressive and environmentally responsible new structure. The designers had made the interim setting look a bit like the laboratory of a nineteenth century naturalist: varnished oak cabinets fronted by glass, exuberant displays of furred and feathered taxidermy next to boxes of crystal-encrusted rocks, and row after row of walnut-colored beetles the size of mice. Every specimen had a neat, penciled label gone sepia with age.

The new place is all steel and glass and concrete, topped by a ‘living roof’ comprised of an undulating carpet of native regional grasses. The broad awnings hold 60,000 photovoltaic cells. There is no traditional HVAC system; instead, the windows actually open. Award-winning and impressive, it no doubt helps the Academy move forward into the third millennium as a significant environmental research organization. But I miss the decorating style of Darwin’s day, when naturalists bragged about the number of ‘specimens’ they collected (read, organisms they killed and mounted). Not that I applaud the wanton destruction of life, just that there was something organic, musty, and mysterious that has since been lost. It almost seems as if, in an effort to compete with the sophisticated equipment and terminology of molecular biology and genomics, ‘natural history’ is editing out the dirt and repackaging itself as another gleaming, sterile technology.

Hopefully, this will help the scientific mission and mandate to rescue the planet from ongoing ecological rape. Perhaps the makeover will convince young women and men to enter the field, by making environmental science look cutting edge, computerized, and cash-rich. Still, I can’t help but feel like a steel and glass partition has been built that separates humans from nature. As a kid, when I went to science museums, it was the dark earthiness of the places that drew me in. The dim lighting needed to protect the exhibits, the smells of soil and fur tinged with formalin, and the sprawling display cabinets filled with dead things all spoke to me on some biotic wavelength that gets blocked by the flashy and hygienic new paradigm.

When the emphasis rested on dead specimens, the implication was: ‘there is such an endless profusion of life out there we can afford to kill hundreds of creatures to show it to you.’ Obviously, that lie has been exposed as a dangerous illusion many times over. But now the message has become, “here are a few living creatures that you can look at in a gigantic display case, but if we don’t do something soon this will be the only place these organisms will survive.’ A much more accurate and socially responsible communication, but it is also ineffably sad. Life has gone from seeming fecund and unstoppable, to something weak and in need of our help.

Life on earth is not weak. And it is not the earth that needs assistance, it is the human race. In fifty million years, chances are very good that humans will be extinct. After another fifty, life will be as luxuriant and diverse and breathtaking as it was a mere thousand years ago, before people began leaving widespread technological footprints on the planet. Flora and fauna will recover. What we risk is not life on earth, but the human spirit. We evolved in an ecological web of soil, and sun, and plants, and prey, and predators. The homo sapien heart has not forgotten this. The further we push the natural world out of our experience, whether by destroying it or simply staying indoors, the more lifeless our lives become, bereft of the inexpressible majesty we all recognize in the tiniest buttercup flower. By packaging nature in steel and glass, we are actually locking ourselves in the display case. We think we are free, looking at precious organisms carefully tended by automated climate control. But in fact, we are the ones under lock and key. Life just keeps evolving, and growing, and pollinating, and copulating, and dying, and rotting, and germinating, and giving birth. While we live in concrete boxes and eat microwave popcorn.

This blog has the tagline ‘Where Will meets Spirit’. Our human ‘will’ has brought us to this point. We have bent the forces of nature to serve our desires. But like anything that gets bent, those same influences patiently await the day they will snap back to their native form. Parts of the natural world will be irreparably broken before that happens, it appears. But the momentum of life is stronger, and older, than the human trajectory through earth’s history. Nature cannot be held back forever.

If you put a small number of bacteria on a fresh petri dish, at first the population will multiply and spread at an alarming rate. But the petri dish, like the earth, is a closed system. Sooner or later the bacteria deplete the resources, or a viral pathogen comes in, or some other counterbalancing influence stems the rate of population growth. Ultimately, the numbers crash, until once again the dish holds only a small number of living bacteria. Or none. Humanity sits on the steep upward ascent of the population trajectory. But most of us recognize that the tide must turn, the growth rate will slow, and in all likelihood a catastrophic drop in numbers will be suffered. Many scientists expect global diseases to strike and cause this, but famine or world nuclear war are other possibilities. Even more likely is a combination of influences leading to a sharp drop in the burden of humanity on the globe.

Nature will reassert itself, one way or the other.

Auguste Rodin: The Prodigal Son

In the same way that our global society is attempting (futilely) to crush and control the forces of life, it is also working hard to stifle the human spirit. We are enslaved by a cold and rational mindset that denies the importance of emotion and instinct. By locking the human mind into analytical modes, and trying to devalue or even ridicule sensitivity and feelings, those who profit from the current set-up attempt to guarantee their ascendancy. But by endeavoring to reign in the human pneuma, they are actually enclosing themselves in glass. Those of us whose emotional make-up does not permit us to live in a detached and predictable way remain free. We breathe more deeply, and live more richly out here in the fertile valleys, where moist, black soil is underfoot, and unruly vines cover everything.

We are told that because of mental ‘illness’, we are closed off from the ‘healthy’ condition of stability and dispassion. But like the viewers in the new museum, who eat candy as they look at terrariums, it is those in the hermetic glass houses who are trapped. The rest of us are free to experience the currents of stirring, lush, and earthy emotions. We remain more in touch with the human spirit, and by extension the essence of life on earth, than those who think emotions are atavistic and superfluous, like an appendix. Feelings are not an almost purposeless add-on, prone to abscess and treatable by excision. They are the heart of the human experience, and (for that matter) the human body.

We are the future. Sooner or later the poverty of denying the value and inevitability of emotionalism will be as obvious as the short-sighted stupidity of not living hand in hand with nature. The human spirit may stay bent for a long time, but eventually the organic forces in our hearts will assert themselves, restoring the balance. Let us recognize that we are the ones who have stayed close to our ancestral home, and be ready to welcome the wayward children back to the land.

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Moving Forward

Sometimes the will needs to step in and help the spirit. My spirits have been low today, and I am trying to give them a pep talk. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking the spirit is smarter than the mind: more wise, more able to see what is really important in life. But because the spirit is not analytical, and does not deal well with the concepts of  ’past’ and ‘future’, it can get confused by overwhelming feelings in the present. I find it vital that I prevent my mind from listening to the spirit when things start feeling bleak. Otherwise I have part of me suffering from negative emotions, and another part thinking about how bad things are. They feed off each other and spiral quickly into a dark place.

Instead, if I can keep the will, (i.e., the verbal mind), working hard to resist the pressure of darkness, it can help my spirit heal. For the spirit is tender and vulnerable. It needs the will to protect it. The will can be the strong partner at these times, holding the spirit’s hand (so to speak), helping it get past the pain. I like to look at the two as marriage partners, who work best when they play to each other’s strengths, and work together toward health.

There is a complicated ecology in the mind. Similar to the biological ecology that surrounds us, the mind has distinct components that are partly but not completely separate from one another. There is constant interplay and resource cycling. Thoughts affect feelings, and vice versa. The goal as I see it is to become a good steward to this system. Like a diligent gardener, I try to spot the weeds of sadness and negativity, keep the soil fertilized with good thoughts and positive feelings, and water well with creative ways of seeing things.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else? Do others pay attention to the different aspects of their own mind, and tend the interactions? I’d be interested to hear another’s thoughts.

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