WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Real Life, False Problems

The past week has been unusual. On the one hand, nothing in the external universe has gone well for me. On the other, my inner state has remained remarkably stable. Sure, there have been moments of distress, but I’ve largely retained the clarity that followed my weekend spiritual retreat eight days ago. For me to stay this contented and peaceful in the face of such disappointment is almost unprecedented. It’s the direct result of my finally absorbing many important truths about human life that I’ve believed for years on a superficial level, but never before internalized.

Rather than rehashing my recent realizations, however, this post will talk about more mundane aspects of life. In the past nine months many posts have discussed my insights into our larger potential, but few have talked about the smaller center-point of this blog: Will as a person. While I hate to appear narcissistic, it’s also important to be ‘real’ in a project of this sort, and that can only happen if I’m honest about my experience. Which means talking about myself from time to time.

My acupuncture practice is not going well. It has faced so many obstacles since opening that it officially qualifies as a comedy of errors. Almost nothing has gone right.

The practice first opened in the office of a friend of mine, but within weeks personality conflicts cropped up. My friend and her office manager turned out to see things very differently from myself and my own office manager (who also happens to be my wife). Since we were the newcomers, we ended up being the ones to leave.

The second sublet seemed to be going well overall. There were some problems with cramped working quarters and frequent rearrangements of the furniture, but it all seemed manageable. Then we learned about some problems behind the scenes that make it impossible for us to stay. So we need to move again.

I had found an office suite that looked good, and we tentatively committed to a two-year lease, but I soon realized that there was too much pressure on my mind and body, so I backed out. The alarm bells were ringing too loudly. By changing my mind, I burnt an important bridge and gave up the chance to ever get into a nearby office building I like very much.

In the background through all these past months, it’s been clear to me that my neck is not appreciating this new line of work. It hurts, and the pain is bringing up bad memories of my last days as a surgeon. Back then, I ignored the pain, pushed it out of mind, and forced my body to work despite its complaints. Eventually, my system rebelled and I broke down: physically first, then mentally. Now, in this current saga, the pattern is threatening to repeat.

The hardest fact I face is my limitation. My body will not allow me to push it like before. And whenever the stress builds, I begin to see signs of mental agitation that are also problematic. If I’m not careful, my decisions become rash and my resolve wavers; I start off in one direction and then switch to another.

I’m reluctantly facing the fact that my bodymind may not permit me to realize the dream that first led me to train in acupuncture, a process that started nearly eighteen months ago. It is very difficult to look in the mirror and see a man who looks physically robust and mentally clear, when I know that my neck is fragile and my mind reacts poorly to chronic stress.

It’s hard to know when to listen to warning bells and when to ignore them and push forward. It’s hard to know when I’m caving in to self-limiting beliefs versus wisely honoring my system. Now everything has gotten very confused, with no office and no viable plan for the future.

And yet… I remain at peace with only occasional brief lapses into worry and regret. As long as I focus on what really matters, which is my relationship with life and love, I feel fine. It’s only when I obsess about the myriad problems of the acupuncture practice that I feel agitated. Similarly, as long as I take care of my body it doesn’t hurt, but when I work too long bending over patients, the pain reappears.

Such is the dilemma of spiritual life. If I resided in a monastery it would be easier to remain peaceful and saturated with bliss. But living in the real world is far more challenging. I’m finding it possible to stay centered, but it requires vigilance and frequent time out for spiritual renewal.

Which is where this post started: Despite the fact that everything is going poorly, I’m feeling reasonably peaceful. It’s taking considerable effort, but I’m succeeding at staying centered despite the escalating stress. Maybe, hopefully, this grounded state will someday sustain itself spontaneously without the need for so much vigilance. But although I hope for increasing solidity, I’m happy with how things now stand in my heart.

In any event, I’ve now opened up a bit about the details behind the essays you read here. Rest assured, I’m not planning to make talking about my problems a habit. But context is important, and the context of WillSpirit is Will. My difficulties have to come up now and then, or I’m not offering an honest description of my path to mental wellness.

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Blame the canary

depressionbed

Once again, a discussion with Larry Drain of Hopeworks Community provides fuel for a blog post. The conversation centered on a BBC article about a World Health Organization report that predicts a global epidemic of depression. Part of the conversation hashed over the tired ‘medications or not?’ debate. However, what became more and more clear to me as I organized my thoughts, was that if depression is increasing in incidence, the important question may not be ‘what to do?’, but rather, ‘why is this happening?’

To me, the answers are obvious. First, there is probably an element of better awareness of depression on the part of clinicians and the general population. The article acknowledges this, but also suggests that the incidence of depression is actually increasing, not just increasingly recognized. So if people are getting more depressed, what is making them that way? It seems inescapable that the conditions people suffer cause the depression we see. We live in a world where resources are obscenely concentrated in the hands of very few, while the masses struggle to meet daily needs. Or don’t meet them. Our environment, the natural world that is our mother and our heart, is being eaten away by industrial exploitation and waste. Families no longer stay together. And modern communities consist of strangers that move in and out every few years, rather than villagers who have known each other for lifetimes and generations. Joblessness is rampant. Healthcare is often unavailable or of low quality. People seldom get the respect they desire. These are depressing conditions.

When I trained at our local Suicide Hot Line, the point got driven home that people become suicidal most often because of loss. Bereavement, lay offs, divorce, major illness, financial catastrophe. Those who pose the greatest threat of suicide cite these sorts of calamities as what make them want to die. They don’t say “gee, for no reason I just feel like life sucks and I want to kill myself.”

Not everyone who faces terrible setbacks, or a horribly draining environment, gets depressed and/or suicidal. Many weather such losses and depredation satisfactorily. It helps if they have a strong social network. Religious faith makes a difference. Having been raised in a more-or-less healthy family, with adequate affection and validation, must be a benefit in helping one survive. In addition, people vary in their biogenetic vulnerability toward depression. As I wrote in my little debate with Larry:

The concept behind antidepressants is that they treat disordered brain chemistry. But the makeup of a person’s brain does not cause depression. Rather, it increases the susceptibility. A pane of glass will break sooner than a sheet of plywood if hit by a brick, but it is still the impact that causes the breakage, not the composition of the glass. Yes, you can reinforce a window with wire mesh (just as you can ‘stabilize’ a person’s moods with drugs), but it might be better to reduce the conditions that lead to riots and people throwing bricks in the street.

The gist of the WHO report seems to be that we have this looming public health crises, this terrible disease epidemic, and we need to devote more funds toward treating it. The article quotes a Dr. Saxen: “We have figures to show that poorer countries have actually more depression compared to richer countries and even poor people in rich countries have a high incidence of depression compared to the richer people in the same countries,” and then goes on to point out that even though depressed mood disorders show up more in poor countries, those impoverished nations devote little funding toward mental health. If I had been writing the article, I might have looked for an expert who had something to say about why there is more despondency where there is more poverty. Even though the answer seems obvious, it still should be addressed.

People get depressed for a reason. If people have no choice but to live their lives in shanty-town squalor, with sewage in the streets and disease at every turn, they will tend to be unhappy, a.k.a., ‘depressed’. To overlook the causes of that unhappiness, and suggest that the problem is one of lack of treatment, does us all a disservice. Or maybe it’s actually a favor. That way we don’t need to accept any responsibility for the misery of others. They are just ‘mentally ill’, poor things. Maybe we can help them out with some pills.

It is the classic situation of ‘blame the victim’. Label as ‘ill’ those who, for whatever reason, are unable to hold up emotionally under the crushing wheel of hopeless situations.

childminer

I am not saying we don’t need mental health treatment. Far from it. Depression is a real condition. It can be lethal, and even when it is not, it drains the texture and joy out of life. I know this all-too-well firsthand. But I highly doubt I would have had so much depression in my life if (among other things) I had not lost my mother at age six, been abused by my stepmother, and grown up with an alcoholic father. Losing my career as a surgeon did not help, either. People get depressed for a reason.

People get depressed for a reason. We who are sensitive to depression are the proverbial ‘canaries in a coal mine’. We are the ones who will be the first to collapse in a toxic society. But others will follow. As oppression, exploitation, and environmental degradation increase, should we just build more factories to churn out more pills? Is the best response to simply resign ourselves to this much misery without indicting anyone for causing it? Perhaps it would be better to first acknowledge that what we are facing is not a mysterious ‘epidemic’ of a biological illness, but rather an all-too-predictable human response to a poisonous world.


(I modified the wording of this post on 5 September 2009, 15:00 PDT.)
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