The past week has been unusual. On the one hand, nothing in the external universe has gone well for me. On the other, my inner state has remained remarkably stable. Sure, there have been moments of distress, but I’ve largely retained the clarity that followed my weekend spiritual retreat eight days ago. For me to stay this contented and peaceful in the face of such disappointment is almost unprecedented. It’s the direct result of my finally absorbing many important truths about human life that I’ve believed for years on a superficial level, but never before internalized.
Rather than rehashing my recent realizations, however, this post will talk about more mundane aspects of life. In the past nine months many posts have discussed my insights into our larger potential, but few have talked about the smaller center-point of this blog: Will as a person. While I hate to appear narcissistic, it’s also important to be ‘real’ in a project of this sort, and that can only happen if I’m honest about my experience. Which means talking about myself from time to time.
My acupuncture practice is not going well. It has faced so many obstacles since opening that it officially qualifies as a comedy of errors. Almost nothing has gone right.
The practice first opened in the office of a friend of mine, but within weeks personality conflicts cropped up. My friend and her office manager turned out to see things very differently from myself and my own office manager (who also happens to be my wife). Since we were the newcomers, we ended up being the ones to leave.
The second sublet seemed to be going well overall. There were some problems with cramped working quarters and frequent rearrangements of the furniture, but it all seemed manageable. Then we learned about some problems behind the scenes that make it impossible for us to stay. So we need to move again.
I had found an office suite that looked good, and we tentatively committed to a two-year lease, but I soon realized that there was too much pressure on my mind and body, so I backed out. The alarm bells were ringing too loudly. By changing my mind, I burnt an important bridge and gave up the chance to ever get into a nearby office building I like very much.
In the background through all these past months, it’s been clear to me that my neck is not appreciating this new line of work. It hurts, and the pain is bringing up bad memories of my last days as a surgeon. Back then, I ignored the pain, pushed it out of mind, and forced my body to work despite its complaints. Eventually, my system rebelled and I broke down: physically first, then mentally. Now, in this current saga, the pattern is threatening to repeat.
The hardest fact I face is my limitation. My body will not allow me to push it like before. And whenever the stress builds, I begin to see signs of mental agitation that are also problematic. If I’m not careful, my decisions become rash and my resolve wavers; I start off in one direction and then switch to another.
I’m reluctantly facing the fact that my bodymind may not permit me to realize the dream that first led me to train in acupuncture, a process that started nearly eighteen months ago. It is very difficult to look in the mirror and see a man who looks physically robust and mentally clear, when I know that my neck is fragile and my mind reacts poorly to chronic stress.
It’s hard to know when to listen to warning bells and when to ignore them and push forward. It’s hard to know when I’m caving in to self-limiting beliefs versus wisely honoring my system. Now everything has gotten very confused, with no office and no viable plan for the future.
And yet… I remain at peace with only occasional brief lapses into worry and regret. As long as I focus on what really matters, which is my relationship with life and love, I feel fine. It’s only when I obsess about the myriad problems of the acupuncture practice that I feel agitated. Similarly, as long as I take care of my body it doesn’t hurt, but when I work too long bending over patients, the pain reappears.
Such is the dilemma of spiritual life. If I resided in a monastery it would be easier to remain peaceful and saturated with bliss. But living in the real world is far more challenging. I’m finding it possible to stay centered, but it requires vigilance and frequent time out for spiritual renewal.
Which is where this post started: Despite the fact that everything is going poorly, I’m feeling reasonably peaceful. It’s taking considerable effort, but I’m succeeding at staying centered despite the escalating stress. Maybe, hopefully, this grounded state will someday sustain itself spontaneously without the need for so much vigilance. But although I hope for increasing solidity, I’m happy with how things now stand in my heart.
In any event, I’ve now opened up a bit about the details behind the essays you read here. Rest assured, I’m not planning to make talking about my problems a habit. But context is important, and the context of WillSpirit is Will. My difficulties have to come up now and then, or I’m not offering an honest description of my path to mental wellness.
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