WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


The Third Dart

Pain, illness, fear, and hunger make clear thinking difficult. They undermine efforts to behave well toward others. These effects have become obvious to me in this hospital bed, where I’ve hung out for seven days without eating, feeling pain ranging from mild cramping to agonizing pressure, and suffering with ongoing nausea that at one point morphed into twelve hours of retching.

To my chagrin, I’ve seen myself act more selfishly and distractedly than usual. When visitors arrive I sometimes talk about my dilemma non-stop, whereas other times I stare blankly without truly hearing what they say about their own trials. I try to remain focused on the needs of others, but it’s hard.

As never before, I understand how maturity and effectiveness can be undermined by adverse states of body-mind. But I’m trying to cut myself some slack and simply review the effects of starvation and pain on my actions and words. I want to learn from this experience but not suffer excessively because of it.

Life inevitably veers in unwanted directions. How much misery we feel depends to a large extent on how we respond to fate. This is true when life disappoints us, and also when we disappoint ourselves.

People sometimes slight us, leading to mild irritation. But as we mentally replay the offense later, we may build up resentment or even rage. Of course, we could instead view the occasion from a broader perspective and forgive the insult. Similarly, a personal gaffe can be made worse by negative obsession, or better by viewing it as a learning experience.

Before we begin to mature as adults, we may not be aware that such choices exist. Resentful obsession seems like the natural and inevitable response to an insult. Humiliated rumination seems like the deserved consequence of social mistakes.

Fortunately, as we gain skills we learn to transform resentment into forgiveness. We abandon narrow focus on a single slip-up for a broader and more compassionate perspective on our personality.

When we are faced with really serious illness or other trying circumstances, our resources can get overwhelmed. Our healthier skills are most likely to fail us when we are hurting, hungry, frightened, or lonely. Not only are we more likely to overreact to minor injustice, and to act childishly, we are more likely to punish ourselves afterward.

My system has seldom felt so physically stressed as it does now. As already mentioned (in this essay and the last), the duress has increased my tendency to behave with embarrassing immaturity and selfishness. Before I started paying attention to this cause and effect relationship, I had begun to berate myself for getting so far off track.

Yesterday during a conversation about these issues with a dear Buddhist friend, we talked about how the Buddha distinguished between what he termed the first and second darts.

Fate throws the first dart into our sphere. For instance, an unexpected major illness arises. It could be anything. For the sake of argument, let’s imagine sudden pain arises in the abdomen and doctors discover a nest of abnormal blood vessels near the pancreas, along with a bleeding aneurysm. Prolonged hospitalization becomes unavoidable, along with its discomforts and inconveniences.

We toss the second dart ourselves. Perhaps it penetrates consciousness in the form of worry: does a cancer lurk under that tangle of vasculature? Is death on the march? The second dart drives resentment and frustration: plagued by worry and feeling persecuted, we complain and act out. The second dart accentuates our misery. If we simply experienced unavoidable hardship without layering on toxic interpretations and retaliations, we suffer less.

During yesterday’s conversation with my friend, we came up with the idea of a third dart. We use this missile to attack our unskillful response to fate. Just as the second dart arises in reaction to the first, in that we worsen a bad situation by distorted thinking, the third dart flies as we reject our own negativity. We could choose to be compassionate toward the second dart: “Oh jeez, I yelled at that phlebotomist after he jabbed me a third time trying to suck blood out of my arm. How predictably human I am! When he comes back I’ll apologize.” Quite often, however, we instead launch the third dart and berate ourselves for shortcomings: “How ugly of me to sound so hostile! Didn’t I learn anything from all those years of meditation and acceptance practice?”

Notice we won’t be susceptible to such self-reproach if we don’t value skillful behavior. The red-faced tailgater leaning on his horn as traffic slows for a yellow light is unlikely to suffer from the third dart, though he is hitting himself hard with the second one. He probably won’t be blaming himself for his intolerance. In this sense, being self-critical shows more maturity than being self-righteous. Even so, the third dart does little to actually improve our responses. It simply makes us pay a higher price after we misstep.

The third dart is a danger to those of us who hope to tread a spiritual path, because we replace helpful noble intentions with damaging self-criticism. We feel painfully aware of our inadequacy compared to the highest exemplars, like the Buddha or Christ. To intend skillful behavior is edifying, but to punish ourselves for human failings is destructive. We gain nothing from the third dart.

I’ve been pulling a lot of third darts out of my butt lately. A prolonged hospitalization for a confusing, painful illness is a great way to lose one’s grip and begin acting unskillfully. Instead of giving in to my inclination to beat myself up afterwards, I’m working to recover my balance as quickly as possible: correct my behavior, apologize to whoever I hurt, and forgive myself. I yank out the third dart and keep aiming for my better path.

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My Beginner’s Mind

This entry is my twenty-fourth in November. With its publication, there will be precisely three hundred essays on the blog queue. With that many posts available, I feel comfortable planning a break in my blogging. For the month of December, if anything gets published at all, it will be poetry. My plan is to start penning essays again next year. I wish all my WillSpirit friends a Happy Holiday Season.

My final essay for 2011 offers concrete suggestions for quelling emotional distress. Many readers know more about mental healing than I do, so what follows may sound elementary. But some visitors are just starting out, and these suggestions can guide their initial steps. Besides, even advanced meditators don’t consider themselves experts, but strive to maintain the Beginner’s Mind. So one is never too experienced to practice the basics. What follows maps not just what I did when first embarking on recovery; it sketches how I continue to approach my life.

My most uplifted posts have sung the praises of meditation and right attitude. With the aid of such skills, my mental life has improved so dramatically that I now question the many diagnoses that were tossed my direction by doctors. Decisive recovery from longstanding problems shows the capacity of the mind to rework itself; resolution of symptoms also seriously challenges the “brain disease” hypothesis of mood disorders. There was plenty of cognitive detritus obstructing my path, but I doubt there was ever any organic problem in my synapses. By clearing out misconceptions and misperceptions, I found clarity and readiness to accept whatever happens in life. I am not immune to grief and disappointment, but I believe myself resistant to despair. Meditation succeeded where medication failed.

To see how dramatically I’ve improved, consider that my mother committed suicide when I was in the first grade. By late adolescence it seemed obvious to me that my own life would end the same way. It was merely a question of timing. How long would I put up with my awful heartache before deciding, in the words of Hamlet, “to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?”

Despite years of thinking along those lines, my mind no longer attacks itself. By studying the errors in my perceptions and beliefs, by learning to not mistake feelings for reality or thoughts for truth, I have found freedom from such negativity. It now seems inconceivable that any emotion or circumstance could drive me to end my life.

This all sounds promising, I hope. It should offer reassurance to those who wonder if they could ever wake up from the nightmare of chronic severe depression. It can be done, I promise.

But how? If one is stuck in the depths of misery, the idea of meditating out of it probably sounds like an impossible dream. And early on observing the mind may actually increase awareness of emotional pain and cognitive obsession, which can seem like exactly the wrong result. The trick, in my opinion, is to start out with very small goals.

Don’t begin by signing up for a ten-day meditation retreat. Don’t even plan on sitting on a cushion for an hour. Rather, the next time you’re stuck in a waiting room or standing in line, pay attention to how you feel. Explore your sensations. Can you detect your heartbeat? Where do you find pain? Are you breathing or holding your breath? Get in the habit of checking in for a minute or two whenever there’s a lull in the action.

When you feel ready for more, adopt the same practice as you fall asleep. Take a brief break from reviewing and planning to feel your bodily sensations. Indulge in some slow, deep breaths. See how long you can focus on your body before your thoughts start churning again. Early on, you’ll be doing well if you can remain attentive for fifteen seconds. Be proud if you can achieve that.

Over time, you will extend your range. Maybe you will gaze inwardly a bit longer. Maybe you will catch an obsession and halt it. Every time you succeed, recognize your ability to steer your mental state, even if only briefly. The goal is to gain mastery over your mind, but this process takes years and is never completed, except by Buddhas. At first, consider yourself a champion if you can subdue a destructive thought long enough to choose a healthier one. As you gain skill, you’ll begin to desire more time for meditation. That’s when you should consider a retreat.

But don’t expect too much too soon. If at first you find it too painful to watch and feel, steer your mind toward pleasant memories or daydreams. This isn’t meditation as we usually define it, but it does involve guiding thoughts, so it can be very helpful. Such practice provides welcome breaks from inner misery. If you feel ambitious, you can use it to build up empowering visualizations. Paint a mental picture of yourself mastering a valued skill, or being generous to others, or feeling well and happy.

From just these brief suggestions, you can see there exist many ways to train the mind, and it can be fun experimenting with different methods. Check books out of the library, search for videos on the internet, or go to local gatherings (which often ask only for voluntary donations). If you have a religious faith, and if you feel comfortable in it, then it is a good idea to get more involved with whatever meditative or prayerful activities it offers.

I like to divide mental training into two explorations, though more knowledgeable students recognize many more categories. But for simplicity’s sake, just consider these two paths:

  1. A person can meditate to explore the ocean of consciousness by being mindful of the body, by observing thoughts, by focusing on feelings, by quieting mental activity, and so on.
  2. Alternatively, one can meditate to connect with cosmic love by centering on the warmth that emanates from the heart, by repeating sacred mantras, through visualizations, by attending spiritual rituals, etc.

I believe it is important for people who feel depressed to do both. Exploring the mind helps one learn to steer thoughts and not act on feelings. Nurturing love in the heart warms the inner child who feels lonely and unwanted. One does not need to believe in a Divine Being to find such comfort; just awakening to the affection that arises when holding beloved pets or watching children can accomplish the same end. But, of course, belief in a loving cosmic presence is a great way to find support if your philosophical prejudices will allow it.

Keep in mind as you work on meditating that other healthful activities remain vital. Exercise, good nutrition, socialization, creative arts, and compassionate acts all help improve mood and outlook. These days we can choose from a wide array of therapies and somatic practices that aid mental healing. Pursue as many avenues as you can to help yourself improve. Applaud yourself for every victory, but also treat yourself with tenderness. When you feel too depleted to do much of anything, accept your need for contraction and isolation. Compliment yourself for sitting up in bed, if that’s all you can manage. Eventually, when your energy improves, you can do more.

At all times, be aware that the aim is incremental improvement, not sudden sainthood. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, “seek progress, not perfection.”

Good luck on your journey. My prayers are with you.

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Tilling for the Soul

PlowingGround

In my upcoming talk this Saturday, I hope to establish three central points: 1) People have the capacity for elevated, selfless modes of consciousness that go a long way toward easing psychic distress. Higher mind states do not lead to perfect happiness that never ebbs; rather, they make life enjoyable despite inevitable trials and jagged emotion. 2) Contrary to the standard model of mental health care, which expects emotional growth to be slow and arduous, people can abruptly transcend despair. 3) There are steps we can take to make such decisive transformations more likely.

My last blog entry touched on what’s been learned about elevated consciousness, and later I will come back to the issue of gradual versus sudden change. For today, let’s skip ahead to consider how we can promote ‘awakening’ experiences. To cover this territory in depth would require an entire book, and many texts and even bibles have been written to help people attain transcendence. Fortunately, my intended audience limits the scope of my endeavor. My goal is to provide suggestions that people can incorporate into ongoing programs of recovery from depression and anxiety. Even at my best, I don’t believe my elevated consciousness rivals that of a true spiritual leader. All I can claim is that regret, worry and despair no longer plague me. It would make my entire stormy life worthwhile if I could help one or two people transcend their labyrinths of remorse and terror, and ascend to a new state of mind.

Probably, those most prone to benefit will be those with long histories of misery, who feel like they can’t take much more pain. It was only because my desolation had become nearly unbearable that I finally saw the light. It seems probable to me that less wretched anguish would be less likely to push one to the precipice of decisive change. Certainly, most people who have described abrupt, transformative experiences had first descended to abject despair. By this reasoning, my audience will be people with severe dysphoria, who will likely have already explored a number of different pathways to relief. Many will have undergone therapy, many will have been prescribed medication, and many will have turned to spiritual programs. Prior work is important, because I believe one needs to build a foundation before one can fashion a spire into the heights of understanding.

Coming as I did from a catastrophic childhood, one necessity was time spent sorting through the conflicts and confusion bequeathed me by the dead past. My guess is that the greater the turmoil in one’s history, the greater the need to expend effort coming to grips with it. Probably most people with life-ruining depression will have had the benefit of at least a little therapy aimed at exploring the circumstances that predisposed them to such problems. This is a bit elitist of me, I realize, since it takes financial resources to get psychotherapy in our unjust society. I am not saying that one needs to spend many years and thousands of dollars hashing over one’s upbringing, but a bit of assistance from someone knowledgeable about the lingering effects of childhood trauma seems vital.

These days, the trend in psychotherapy is toward focusing on thought and behavior in the present rather than getting bogged down by the past. Although this is a positive and empirically supported development, I suspect that those with really difficult pasts may yet need to examine what happened. Running from the past is not the same as escaping it. On the other hand, in addition to therapy that addresses childhood trauma, recovery from depression and anxiety requires major changes in how we think and act. For this reason, it is helpful to learn the techniques of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and its many spinoffs. Whether these skills are learned from books, or from therapists, it is important to recognize the fundamental role of thought in despondence. When the mind does little but cycle through hidebound regrets, worries and obsessions, mental anguish will persist, impeding the journey to higher consciousness.

Today’s post begins a discussion of how psychotherapy, self-examination and thought management provide a foundation for steps toward transcendent awareness. I’ve tried to emphasize that my comments are directed to those with severe depression and anxiety, most of whom probably have histories of both childhood trauma and negative obsessional thinking. In one way or another, the childhood needs to be looked at; if therapy is out of reach, then journaling and reading might well suffice. In addition, one must learn to discipline thoughts, and cut down on negative rumination. The next post will continue this discussion of the groundwork that facilitates a journey to an elevated frame of mind. We are fortunate to live in an age when much has been learned about the roots of misery, and about how we can prepare the field for a blossoming future.

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My way or the highway

tank

The posts that prompt me to think the most often grow out of conversations with others. The reason I’ve not placed anything new in the main part of the blog for a couple of days is that I’ve been occupied in the ‘comments’ section discussing the pros and cons of diagnostic labels with Marian, who authors Different Thoughts. That interchange can be found in the comments thread following my last post: ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet’ (see comments numbered ten through eighteen). As you may recall, that previous essay arose out of my reading of two pieces written by Larry, the author of the Hopeworks Community blog. (One of his posts talked about diagnosis, and the other about semantics.) If one were to compile Larry’s work with my essay and the conversation between Marian and me, the result would be a pretty thorough coverage of the pluses and minuses of using a medical/diagnostic model to classify mental conditions.

If you read my responses to Marian, you’ll also see how I ended up regretting some of my words. While sleepless and fatigued at 3:00 am, I got caught up in my emotions, in my desire to protect others from being criticized for their choices, and in my sense that my viewpoints had been brushed off. I succumbed to the strong feelings and diametric divergence of opinions that plague so many discussions in behavioral health. My words conveyed an antagonism that left me feeling bad when I awoke after a few hours of sleep. My biggest concern in writing about mental health often centers on trying not to alienate people who disagree with me. I hope to convince others to broaden their perspectives, and coming down with too much hostility will never accomplish that. So I had to ask myself why my words had gone against my principles. They had become personal attacks rather than dissections of Marian’s analysis or challenges to what she considers factual statements.

I am human. I realize that getting angry and overreacting go hand-in-hand with belonging to this species. So rather than berating myself for violating my standards, it is more useful for me to explore why my defenses broke down. What prompted me to jump into the fray with the kind of vehemence I object to in those who only hammer their opinion into others, and barely listen to the reasoned views of people with whom they disagree? Why did I back away from my belief that words should be used to promote mutual understanding and bring people to common ground, rather than widening divisions and increasing ill-will?

When I first became (peripherally and recently) involved in the activist side of the mental health world, the sharp and frequent contention surprised me. That I walked into this cause without expecting huge controversy must seem silly to others. But I had a utopian picture, coming from my limited and one-sided experience of psychological services in an institution where all the clinicians and clients accepted the same treatment model. In that milieu, everyone worked together to figure out how to help the clients feel better. I had not agreed with everything that organization did, but I respected the practitioners, and found the entire effort admirable. Good people working as a team to accomplish a worthwhile goal satisfies my hopes for human potential. I knew disagreements about treatment approaches existed, and had actually left a previous psychiatrist because I concluded she was harming me. Since my heart boiled with fury about awful and permanent side effects, and years lost with my mind poisoned by too much medication, I should have known that outside of my protected enclave I would find others who harbored similar anger and frustration. And that they would not all agree. It did not take long to catch on to the reality that feelings run very high, agreement is rare, and all sides bring a burden of resentment to the table. The conflict heightens further in the face of the power possessed by doctors, police, and social workers to strip us of our civil rights with only nominal proof of necessity. The fact that lives can be saved or ruined in short order further amplifies the rancor and controversy.

The most pernicious tendency leading to ill-will between people who desire the same end (improved mental health care) is how easily we get locked into believing that ‘our way is the only way’, and that those who disagree with us have nothing valid to offer. Why do we get caught in the trap of imagining we have the one and only answer to mental health issues? Why is it so hard to accept that others may have equally constructive suggestions? Even when two proposed ‘solutions’ are not mutually exclusive, it still can be tough to relax our grip on the cognitive framework we’ve built to guide our recovery. The temptation remains strong to undermine the other person’s ideas in favor of our own. Why do we have such a hard time tolerating alternatives to our approach?

For one thing, we are people who have suffered. If we are fortunate and persistent enough to transcend our distress, chaos and despair, then we feel tremendous gratitude toward the people or methods that escorted us out of hell. We put the process we followed on a pedestal, and feel almost worshipful in our attitude toward it. Our approach, whether it involved taking medication, mindfulness meditation, doing cognitive exercises, or working on our spirituality, feels so important to us that we cannot help but think it almost miraculous, perhaps even divinely inspired. This entity, whatever it is, has saved us from misery, confusion, and destruction. Like a beneficent god, our savior has earned our faith and devotion.

We also cling to our rescuer (whether person, institution, or philosophy), out of fear that we will fall back into the pit if we relax our embrace. We begin to think in nearly magical terms about the engine of our recovery. If we don’t do things just right our punishment might be a one-way bus ride back to the innermost circle of the underworld. Because so much of our well-being seems to depend on fidelity to this fount of salvation, it becomes easy to feel threatened when someone suggests that our cherished path to recovery has bumps and gaps. How could our road be flawed when it has led us away from enslavement by psychic demons? We fear that we might stumble if we allow others to question our route to mental equilibrium, and the road to wellness will then be closed to us. Sometimes, we even react negatively if somebody acknowledges that we have a good answer, but not the total answer. Worst of all is when another person is equally committed to a conflicting view about how to maintain equanimity. So two people end up screaming at each other, each clenching their lifeline with blood-drained knuckles, when they might just as well reach hands out to each other and share their supports.

At the same time as we defend our ‘answer’ against challengers, we feel called to spread the word about the salvation we have been granted. Like people who enter a spiritual tradition that brings them out of darkness and into life, we become evangelical, and want others to benefit from what worked for us. This response is both natural and laudable. Problems arise, however, when two people feel equally strongly about (seemingly) opposite philosophies. Neither wants anything to do with the other’s ‘theology’. Each feels the other is not only wrong, but possibly evil as well. Psychiatrists become demonized. Or people who advocate against medications are accused of endangering lives and families. The two camps quit listening or even talking to each other, and are content to just preach to those who already agree. One does not need to look far in our modern world to see the dangers when people cling with aggression to conflicting creeds. And it is not really a stretch to liken psychological therapies of all kinds to religious devotion and practice. Both church and mental health practices offer ‘answers’ in the midst of confusion. Both provide community and human contact. Both rescue people from despair. Both depend, to a large extent, on blind faith (read, placebo effect).

The demands of unquestioning devotion, and the resulting obstruction of reason, underly the swath of destruction that religious conflicts draw across our society. If people ‘believe’ without wondering whether there is any objective factual foundation for their ideologies, then there is no hope of communication between opposing camps. How can you persuade someone who doesn’t care about facts or logic, and orders their opinions only on the basis of deep-seated emotional attachments? It is like two young boys arguing about who has the better mom. Empiricism and analysis have no role; each kid just ‘knows’ he has the best mother in the world. That may work for children in the school yard, where the worst consequence might be a bloody nose. But in the wider, adult world if people determine who to approve or reject, what to believe or disbelieve, and how to act or treat others by referring to nothing more than powerful sentiments, then we end up with terrorist attacks or high-tech bombardment of civilian populations.

Bringing the analogy back to the world of mental health: in the absence of careful research and good studies it is far too enticing to base one’s opinions on one’s own personal experience. That would be acceptable, perhaps, if every person could be counted on to respond the same way. However, my point from the start has been that we are all unique. We each have different tastes in people, places, and activities. We look at the world from different perspectives, and have different value structures. What seems perfect to one person may be abhorrent to another. If I conclude that my answer must be good for everyone only because it is good for me, I will soon find that most people have little inclination to believe me or even listen. A charismatic person (which I am not) can succeed in attracting a following. But as far as one person convincing the entire community that there is a single answer for all mental health problems, especially if the evidence supporting the ‘cure-all’ is based mainly on his or her individual experience, that is no more likely than having the world’s population agree on one religious faith. Different people need different solutions.

We also face the problem that people change and go through stages. What works for someone at one time may cease to work later on. In my most objective moments, and as much as I regret starting antidepressants in 1995, I have to admit that medications helped me in my thirties. Now, however, after many years of hard work, I have reconciled with past traumas. I adopted a philosophical and spiritual stance that allows me to tolerate thoughts and feelings that would have once been overwhelming. So I don’t feel the need to take mood-elevators anymore. But for me to turn around and tell a twenty-year-old to just live with their imploding emotions might be worse than forgetful or insensitive; it might even lead the person to self-destruct. And yet I have seen myself say just that kind of thing. It is all-too-easy to blind ourselves to how much we differ from those around us, or even from who we used to be or might be tomorrow.

Rancor arises when people become afraid to even consider that their ‘solution’ may have limitations. It seems to threaten us to entertain the notion that the answers we rely upon might let another person down. I believe the reason for this fear may be that if we acknowledge the possibility of our path to salvation failing someone else, then we admit the possibility that it could some day fail us too. When a path becomes so important to us (whether it’s a religion, a treatment philosophy, or just a point of view) that we think our survival depends on it, then we will naturally defend it against all attackers. Even those who mean well, truly want to help, and have well worked out ideas become enemies. Before long everyone who disagrees becomes an adversary rather than a fellow seeker. That is how good people end up screaming at each other, figuratively or in actuality.

That kind of back and forth helps no one. It drives people to become even more rigid in their views, causes hostile attitudes, and completely blocks communication and exchange of ideas. If any progress is to be made, we have to accept that other people are just as smart, just as creative, and just as capable of solving problems as we are. We have to recognize that writing off other people’s ideas as dumb or deluded amounts to tossing out a valuable resource.

There is really no reason for people to discount each other’s ideas about how to promote well-being. In my opinion, if there is a wrong way to solve the problem of troublesome mind conditions, it is to fall into the trap of thinking there is only one solution. If we can accept that more than one effective path may exist, or go even further and realize that using more than one method at a time may be a viable possibility, then we will be more inclined to listen to the ideas of our fellow travelers on the road to recovery.

In fact, it appears to me that most people benefit from using more than one approach. My progression was to start with therapy, and spend years confronting and understanding the effects of the severe trauma in my upbringing. From there I progressed to medications, which showed me how it felt to not be depressed, and proved to me that I did not endure despair simply because I somehow liked to be miserable. I learned that I was perfectly happy to be happy. After some dead-ends, detours, and misdirections, I learned how to use CBT and meditation to modulate my thoughts and feelings. Most recently, I’ve taken up treatment under the ACT model, and have begun to allow my mind freer rein. Along the way I explored AA, Alanon, support groups for adult children of alcoholics, and many other recovery programs. I studied a great deal about brain science and neurophysiology, psychiatry, and numerous self-help strategies. I spent long periods devoted to a couple of different spiritual traditions. My personal experience tells me that all these different methods have value. However, no single one of them worked as a total solution. So there is at least one person on this planet (me) who was not completely ‘cured’ by any of these methods. They all had benefits, but they all had limitations, too. And yet each approach has adherents convinced that they have found the one and only solution.

Not long ago I met (in a workshop) someone who teaches and does therapy in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). He is convinced that CBT will solve all mood problems. If I try to tell him that was not my experience, he responds that I just did not do it right. But if a ‘miracle’ treatment is so dependent on being done ‘just right’, how miraculous is it?

Spiritual solutions are the same. If I don’t get the all-encompassing comfort that others get from ‘God’ then the response is that I don’t have enough faith. Or don’t pray enough. Or don’t go to enough services. If I object that I reach profound states of contentment and understanding with spiritual practice, but that I need more, all-too-often I encounter an annoying condescension. The implication is that my desire for additional support shows that I obviously have not reached the spiritual heights inhabited by people who are ‘serious’ about their sacred practice.

Hard-line atheists will say that even if faith helps, it’s only because of placebo effects, or delusion, or some other material explanation. They imply that I am naive if I think there is a supernatural realm in play. I am being non-scientific, and I am quite possibly not too smart. In one view, belief in God is a weakness of the human brain that evolved to help us deal with mortality. When someone tells you that an important part of your mental health regimen is merely a defect in the human genome, it tends to close off further discussion.

For a psychiatrist, if drugs don’t work, the problem is that the proper chemical agents have not yet been found. We just need to keep trying until we stumble upon the right cocktail. There is little acknowledgement that maybe in some cases there is no drug at all that will adequately eliminate the ‘symptom’. My previous psychiatrist had exactly zero knowledge about something as well established as CBT. She felt no need to refer me on for other approaches. She doggedly pursued the holy grail of the right medication cocktail, even as I descended ever further into emotional bankruptcy.

It never stops amazing me how people blind themselves to alternative explanations and methods. It may be because I am so skeptical of ‘truth’ that I have a hard time understanding how somebody can be so wedded to just one way of seeing things. Frankly, I am not sure a single ‘true’ explanation exists in most settings. The complexity of the world is such that one dimensional answers seldom apply. Matter is both wave and particle. That means that an electron, for instance, is both confined to one very small place, and spread over a broad region simultaneously. The situation is analogous to saying that if you look through one window of my house I appear to be seated in a chair, but if you look through a different window, my body is spread like a cloud throughout the entire neighborhood. That was the first paradox I learned in physics.

Another physical paradox is that you cannot know both exactly where an object is, and how fast it is moving at the same time. There is an unbreakable material limit to the precision with which we can pin down ‘the facts’. It is like saying you can know I am in a tiny town called Greeley Hill, but have no idea whether I am standing on the street or driving a race car at 200 miles per hour. Or you determine that I am driving exactly 55 miles per hour, but can only say that I am somewhere in the North America. And it is not just that you can’t figure out the answer; in a fundamental way, precise answers simply do not exist.

Think about it: every object is two completely different things at one time, and absolute truth does not exist. Although I have stated them simplistically, that is nevertheless a pair of facts that lie at the basis of our entire universe. If we live in such an uncertain and ill-defined universe, then should we really be insulting each other because our companion’s paradigm for complicated and poorly understood mental conditions is not the same as ours?

Of course, I have to close by pointing out that all this is just my opinion (except for the statements about fundamental physical reality, which are over-simplified but correct). Maybe I am wrong to accept every person as equally capable of figuring out their own minds. Maybe some people are actually so misguided that I should just ignore what they say. Maybe that would do more to protect others from harm than trying to engage all comers.

And maybe a single solution will be found some day. Everyone will read the same book, practice the same method, and find peace. If that happens, then that ‘answer’ will not only end the mental health dilemma, but will probably also collapse the power of religions to determine how people think. doveFor if a validated solution to human angst were to be found, the majority of people would likely drift away from institutions that offer an outdated dogmatism. This would go a long way toward stopping war and strife. People will no longer need to argue about mental health techniques, or a lot of other things, because the answer to their pain will be in hand. To me, that kind of panacea does not sound likely. But I would be thrilled to be proven wrong.


(I modified this post on 2009 August 21, c. 14:40 PDT, mainly trying to clarify the physical principles I cited.)

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Letter to a Friend

rippleReflection

The post I planned to write today will come later.

For the past several months a counselor practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has been teaching me to expand my philosophy, and quit struggling against my hardships. My insurance granted pre-payment for twenty sessions, and I have completed 12 or 13 so far. My relationship with this clinician started at a propitious time, and dovetailed with my involvement in Bipolar Advantage, which teaches one to take a more positive attitude toward mood fluctuations. These two influences spoke to my gathering awareness that being frustrated and unhappy with ‘the way things are’ serves me poorly. They also bolstered my resolution to wean myself off as much medication as possible, a step made more essential when I awoke to the horrific damage psychiatric drugs have wreaked on my body.

This therapist’s work underlies much of what I write about accepting life’s deprivations, acquiescing to grief, and appreciating the sublime qualities of emotional distress. Knowing that outside of the sessions this person has kept up with my blog posts, and sends me insightful comments on how they relate to my individual story, adds to my feelings of gratitude. I wrote a letter (actually an email) of thanks this morning, and ended up sketching part of my core emotional landscape. Posting a slightly revised version of my message on this site offers my audience a view of my inner milieu, while at the same time publicly expresses my appreciation. Knowing that others share your experience can be very healing. I hope that one or more of my readers will resonate with my longstanding ambivalence about life, and also my growing desire for more engagement. ACT teaches, among other things, that while we all undergo times of distress and cataclysms of sorrow, we can remain open to common joy. Even more, during those shaded times when our days feel bleak and fortune has violated all its promises, it remains possible to enjoy being alive. Perhaps it is akin to loving one’s child even as he spits hostile words at you. He may not be pleasant, but he is still an infinite gift.

A large segment of the population staggers under a burden of emotional agony. If that were not so, investors in pharmaceutical stock would not be so well rewarded. No doubt people have always been afflicted by almost unbearable feelings, but in this era of education, abundance, sanitation, and comfort, I believe we can do better. Not that the pain will go away, but perhaps our appreciation of day-to-day reality can increase. Imagine a world where even in the midst of wage-slavery and fears of violence people relished being alive. Where they accepted their pain to the point that they had energy to fight against injustice. Where financial and material trappings became less important than human relationships and creative expression. The way to achieve this vision lies in opening up, ‘sharing experience, strength, and hope’ (as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous), and collectively learning how to thrive in the midst of a challenging world. I try to do my little part by deconstructing my rusted and creaking mental mechanisms to a behavioral health audience, and handing on the tools and lubricants others have provided to help me get things running more smoothly.

This therapist gives me much in this regard. I publish this letter as a public statement of gratitude, with the prayer that programs and messages such as ACT will propagate outward into our culture, like the rings stretching away from a pebble pitched into a pond. Where the surface of my depression once looked as solid and impenetrable as a pane of glass, ACT shows that all pain has depth and rhythms, and that I can learn, grow, and even enjoy myself while exploring these textured realms. Of course, the ideal often lies beyond my grasp. My ability to take such a philosophical stance, and savor the warm sensation of blood pumping from my wounds, depends on practice and motivation. But I have been fortunate to meet someone who has had the patience to sit with me as I bleed, until I understand that unlike the blood that flows through my body, the blood of the soul is infinite. No matter how much I hemorrhage, I will always have the vital spirit to go on, if I choose. So much better than my previous experience in the mental health world, where the philosophy has always been to apply pressure and tourniquets. Sure, drugs can slow the rivers of emotion, but once you tighten the tourniquet the limb goes dead.

I place the letter here because it is more personal and less intellectual than much of what I write. I want to allow people to get to know what I’m really going through, rather than always hiding behind a facade of philosophy, analysis, and weak attempts at lyricism. Fact is, I am making progress, but slowly. I see the path ahead, but have yet to walk most of it. This message shows one footprint along the trail.

Dear [M],

I’m glad that my last blog post provided, at last, some good news in regard to my mental state.

Contemplating death as a solution has always seemed reasonable to me, given how my mother checked herself out of life as I watched. In the suicide hotline we always ask about prior suicidal behavior; I’ve only made a few weak attempts, none of which had a high likelihood of lethality. But suicidality has become a part of who I am. Even twenty years ago I was pretty sure I would some day kill myself. Obviously I have not, and may never, but I no longer feel alarm about thoughts of destroying myself. I think that attitude helps me support people who call the hotline in crisis.

On the other hand, I respect that such talk upsets others. I wish when in my worst moods I could censor my statements better. In particular, it is hard on Mandy to know how often thoughts of death go through my mind (not that I talk about it all the time, but it only takes occasional mention to make the problem apparent). Accepting that life brings pain, and that pain can be endured or even seen as a kind of beauty does not automatically translate into a desire to keep experiencing it. I am OK with that disconnect, but I am not so pleased that my ambivalence about life pollutes the happiness of those around me.

Back to today. Bottom line is I feel better, and happy to keep going. I truly do have a commitment to stay around for Mandy, and I would never leave my dogs unprotected. I even look forward to the future, no matter what it brings.

Thank you for paying attention, and supporting me as I work out a philosophy and mind-set that will carry me through the last several decades of my life. I need to have some kind of framework to both endure and see positive aspects to further declines in health, increased physical pain, and the probable loneliness that await me. Having a deteriorating neck that hurts all the time, and threatens the integrity of my spinal cord, plus knowing how few close relationships I have other than my marriage, does not give me a rosy picture for the future. I appreciate that ACT is not about convincing myself that my fears are unfounded (they aren’t), but rather gives me at least a glimmer of hope that I can survive the struggle. There is even that astounding suggestion that no matter what happens, my future can be enriching and full of adventure.

I look back at what I’ve written here and almost laugh at myself: this is how I think when my mood is more or less good (although I’m realizing my spirits are not as upbeat as yesterday). I don’t know how you feel about getting saddled with me for twenty sessions, but it has helped me that you have been so understanding. And I am thrilled that there is at least one person reading my blog who really ‘gets’ what I’m writing about. Of course, it’s not surprising that you do get it, since you taught me much of what I’m saying. What’s nice is that you’ve taken the time to read how I’ve been thinking about the acceptance philosophy. (You’ll note that I don’t do much with commitment, at this point. I need to more fully commit to staying alive before I can talk with any authenticity about fidelity to values, etc.)

To try to end on a positive note, I am highly motivated to search for reasons to stay alive, and to be glad I am. I want to build something more than a stoic fortitude to not abandon Mandy. Writing helps me feel good about breathing and thinking. Knowing that you (and hopefully a few others) find what I produce interesting makes it even better. In the end, creating something attractive and worthwhile out of tragedy and sorrow has been the task of artists throughout the ages. After decades thinking of myself as primarily a scientist, I now see that creative expression will be my salvation. That requires the knack of appreciating the heavenliness of heartache, which you and ACT have taught me.

Thank you.


(I modified this post on 2009 August 15, c. 17:45 PDT.)

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CompuShrink

computer eyes

Insomnia? Depression? Anxiety? Soon, you will be able to turn on your computer and learn how to work with these problems.

Widely recognized as effective, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been demonstrated experimentally to improve emotional health. With CBT, as most people involved in mental health care (whether clients or providers) now know, you change how you feel by changing how you think. Leaving aside the question of whether you should change how you feel (I’ll deal with that in a later post), if you learn the techniques, they work. At least they did for me. I learned to cut my depression and anxiety in half, easily. I also started sleeping better, just by not driving myself nuts with worry. Good stuff!

It’s called ‘therapy’, but is it? In truth, it is a set of methods for working with thought to keep it from wrecking your life. Person-to-person ‘therapy’ is not absolutely necessary. I got most of what I needed from a book or two, and you can search Amazon to find any number on the subject. (They all look about the same to me.)

So how about learning the techniques from a computer?

I was not surprised to find out this is already possible. I came across one article about an internet-based protocol for teaching CBT techniques to manage insomnia.

I am not a big fan of therapy, even though (or because) I have undergone (all told) nearly 20 years of weekly sessions. I have found it as often harmful as helpful. Maybe someone with a good, strong sense of identity and purpose could visit a well-skilled and careful therapist and do really well. At my best, and with the best therapists, that has been my experience. The problem has been that usually by the time I’ve stumbled into therapy I’ve been pretty well crushed emotionally. Desperate for guidance and support, I have given my counselors far too much control over my decisions. Later on, when I’ve felt better, too often the choices made under a therapist’s influence look like his or her choices, not mine. His or her values shine through, and mine get obscured.

Maybe a computer therapist would have been safer. I would not have leaned on a computer for support in the same way. I could have just learned the techniques, and relied on my own personality for strength and strategy. Given the never-ending effort by insurance companies to reduce mental health expenses, it is safe to assume that this method of delivery will become widespread. As much as I think psychiatry services should be covered by health plans, it does not seem to me to be a bad thing if some of the care ends up coming from silicon circuitry rather than the neuronal networks of a (fallible and corruptible) human brain.

I like people. There is no substitute for the warmth and support of another human being. But paying a therapist to guide me through life has not worked well. Not in my life so far, anyway. I would not have become a doctor and a surgeon had it not been for one of my therapists strongly encouraging me to look for the highest paying job within my reach. Then I might not have damaged my neck by leaning over an operating table four days a week. I might not have lost my career at age 42, and might not have had a nervous breakdown. Who knows how my life would have gone? Not that there is any benefit to thinking about ‘what if…’

Still, the crucial decision about my career direction should have been made by me under the influence of family and friends. A person paid to help me (especially one who later admitted he was a cocaine addict and alcoholic) should not have been the one to choose. I was too young and emotionally weakened to understand how crucial it was to make my own choices, and I allowed myself to be swayed away from my heart’s native desire (to study nature and ecology).

So I applaud the development of computer systems to teach mental health techniques. Psychotherapy can be helpful, but sometimes it is better to let people find strength and solutions on their own. Therapy should be a tool, not a crutch.

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Mental Health Treatment

Finally, I’m figuring it out. When I first signed up for web hosting/blogging, all I knew was that I had a lot to say. I started with a bit of philosophical musing, spelling out some rather ordinary ideas about the difference between the conscious mind, which I called the ‘will’, and the unconscious, which I called the ‘spirit’. Looking back, that stuff strikes me as boring.

What really matters to me is mental health, and especially how professional services attempt to get us there. I’ve had both positive and negative experiences with medication and therapy. Both have helped me, but both have also caused some grievous harm. I’m interested in hearing what others have experienced. I’d like to know your horror story, and/or how a therapist or medication has changed your life for the better. As time goes on, I will share my own tales of disaster and delight.

Please join me as I explore the treatments meted out by the mental health system. I am tired of being treated as a ‘patient’, or even a ‘client’ or ‘consumer’. I don’t like being put in a separate category from those who are supposed to be helping me, but often that seems to be exactly what happens. I am a person like any other, and capable of solving my own problems with a little assistance.

Too often ‘the system’ wants to take over and dictate what is wrong with us and what we are capable of. But the fact is that psychiatric science remains primitive, with little if any predictive power. If any one of us wants, we can exceed the expectations the system tries to hand us. I just wish we heard that truth more often from those who are supposed to be guiding us. I wish they more often had the humility to let us know they lack answers.

That’s just a small taste of my frustration. I’d really like to hear yours.

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