WillSpirit!


∞ Where Mental Skills Heal Mental Ills ∞

A former physician writes about mental health and recovery using insights from life, science, and spiritual practice.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Do Medications Make the Man?

rose tinted glasses on a dog

Sometime back I promised a post about how one’s attitude changes with drugs. When I quit Cymbalta almost a month ago, I quickly lost my confidence, started to feel tired and discouraged, and decided life did not have much value. I fear that without my strong connection, devotion, and commitment to Mandy I would have succumbed at last to the suicidal tendencies that have dogged me since my first major depression at age twenty. Yet not long before things had looked pretty rosy to me.

At present I am coping with some medication-induced injuries that will never leave me, even though I’ve quit the drugs that caused the damage. I find the destruction visited upon my body demoralizing and infuriating. But before stopping the Cymbalta, it seemed like my grip on the situation had improved, and I had hope that with a little time and meditation my distress would abate and I would settle into a more-or-less calm acceptance. Not long after my final dose of that drug (I continue to take several others), the problem started looming large again. I felt, once more, like my life had been destroyed. Given that my passion for breathing (and all the other essential components of human life) has always been lukewarm, suicide started to look like a logical and acceptable solution. How much grief, defeat, and loss can one person take?

As I’ve implied, my agreement with myself and Mandy is that I will stay around for our relationship. So although I had a well-worked out plan for my demise, I never set a time frame and just waited out the foul emotional weather. In just the past day or so, I have started to feel more like I can continue to live without merely gritting my teeth and wishing for natural death. Life has begun to look worthwhile again. Mandy and I have more frequent affectionate moments, I smile more often, and I feel like my energy has returned. Today we happen to be enveloped in smoke, due to a supposed ‘controlled burn’ that escaped its lines and is now raging in Yosemite. Every few hours the wind shifts to carry a thick cloud of particulate haze into our region. If we did not have so much air pollution, I’d be outside catching up on all the chores I neglected as I fought my way through this withdrawal. It feels good to recover the desire to be productive. I hypothesize that my brain is building more serotonin and norepinephrine receptors to compensatefor the reduced levels of those transmitters that followed stopping Cymbalta. (See this discussion about what is probably going on.)

My optimism would be greater if this had not already happened once. About two weeks after cessation there came a previous time of relief from the whirlwind, but it only lasted five or six days. So I will not be surprised if the curtain descends again. But right now I am feeling better, and I won’t spoil it by predicting another setback. This is how I ended my post back at the time of the last break from despair: “What I’ve written so far is the introduction to my real topic: the relationship between the chemicals that traverse my brain and the ‘person’ that the organ produces.”

For a number of reason I never got back on-subject. Today I am going to try to tackle, in a small way, the relation between chemical changes in our brains and the people we think we are.

In my opinion, it comes down to something like different vantage points. I wrote during the last storm break about how my little house in the hills would be invisible to a passenger in one of the airliners that regularly stretch contrails above me. I live my drama down here in the trees, yet those in the aluminum tubes soaring overhead have no clue about my problems and discouragement. They just don’t see my world of concerns. When I am medicated, it is like I am flying in the stratosphere. I observe my anxieties glide beneath me, but they look tiny and far away. Sometimes they get obscured by the pretty scenery, and I can almost forget they exist. But when I stop the drugs, I land flat on my belly on the August-baked earth, and gasp for full breaths in the smoky air. The pharmaceutical agents become the proverbial ‘rose-colored glasses’, that make a dim world look bright.

If they worked as well as I describe, I’d have to ask why one should fight the way I do to end my dependence on the medications. But if you look through pink-tinted lenses long enough, you no longer see the pink. Your mind adjusts and everything starts looking the way it did before. So then you are no longer jetting through the upper atmosphere close to the speed of sound, and instead end up bouncing along at ground level in a dilapidated truck. What’s more, even though the chemicals no longer help as much, the side effects continue. That is why I stopped Cymbalta. It helped my mood a bit but the benefit diminished until it no longer seemed worth the heavy cost in adverse reactions (primarily anorgasmia). So I stopped taking my daily green pills and have been fighting to regain my footing ever since.

If my entire opinion about whether to live or die hinges on a chemical called duloxetine marinating my brain, the question becomes, who am I? The suicidal man who feels life has dealt so many injuries it no longer warrants engagement? That is to say, am I ‘really’ this troubled person who emerges upon cessation of the drugs? Or am I instead the (slightly) bubbly soul that can discover benefits even in raw wounds and festering infections? Am I ‘in fact’ the wry middle-aged guy who emerges when the drugs (occasionally) work perfectly well?

Or am I both? Or neither?

At least I now recognize that my feelings change. It used to be hard for me to see that my attitudes shift. If the world felt awful, I believed in an unshakeable way that my feelings at that moment accurately summed up the nature of life as it had always been. On the flip side, if things looked cheery, I had a hard time remembering how it felt to be depressed. After years of gyrating feelings and world-views, I now recognize that tectonic shifts have repeatedly rocked my inner environment. My ability to predict eventual good feelings even when I am mired in deep depression has improved. I have recollection when I feel rotten that life once seemed fun, and vice versa.

As that sort of memory consolidates, I start to appreciate that my feelings are transient little things that have no direct relationship to outside reality. They are my internal filters, and not firmly connected to either the external scenery or my actual ‘self’. The same person (me) and the same life (mine) can look ashen through one set of spectacles, and sunny-yellow through another. I am the person behind the glasses, or even further back: behind the eyes. Possibly the real me looks through yet another screen: the brain. Some believe that our true selves have no material biology, but exist as ethereal spirits. I don’t go quite that far, but there is no question that somewhere separate from all the opinions, all the filters, all the moods and feelings, sits a person who is protected from the storms, and watches with a wise and tolerant eye as all the hurricanes and earthquakes and volcanoes thunder over the landscape. I’ve mentioned Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) before, and I am touching here on ACT’s core assumption.

I am not the earth’s tremors, or the volcano’s blast. I am not the wind or the sun or the rain. I am the ‘self’ that observes all the changes, all the weather, all the thoughts and feelings. But this is so easy to forget. It is as if, while watching a movie, I confused the events on the screen for things in real life. If I think that somehow my identity is that of a scared and lonely man, hemorrhaging and forlorn, I am overlooking the fact that at other times, with different chemicals in my blood, I feel like ‘someone’ entirely different.

It could be that I am nothing more than a memory stream. A dynamic album of photographs that keeps adding page after page after page. My identity cannot be pinned down to any particular image, not even the most recent ones. Instead, to get any sense at all of ‘me’ as a stable and defined entity, you have to look at the entire book as a unit.

By changing my drug regimen I am not creating a different person. I am just turning the page, putting in new pictures taken through different lenses. What I think and feel today is just an addition to my identity, not the summation of it.

Does this make any sense at all to others? I know these ideas are not mine alone, and no doubt writers more eloquent than I have stated something like the same point of view with greater clarity and logical support. But this is what I meant to bring up two weeks ago, during my previous respite from the Cymbalta-withdrawal nightmare that has been my ‘reality’ since August first. I am aware of some texts I need to read that touch on similar streams of thought. When I get more information, a wider perspective, and time to digest, I will return to this subject of self and how it relates to the turbulent currents of mood, opinion, biochemistry, and experience.

mothdrawing
For now, I am glad of the break from the pain. It feels good to expand again, and fill my wings with blood the way a newly metamorphosed moth pumps itself up before taking flight into the moonlit sky. For now, at least, I can nourish myself again, and savor the nectar of daily life.

(Click here to link to a nice video showing a moth feeding on nectar.)

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Disappointment and other Treasures.

TreasureChest300

Time to turn over a new blog leaf. Watching the growth in readership stall, and then the numbers start to dwindle, has happened twice since I began this blog (effectively July 1). Both changes occurred after I went nuts and wrote really long posts that had only a little to do with mental health. My tag-line is ‘Just another Mental Health and Spirituality Blog’, but the sites I visit are almost all mental health oriented. So far I’ve not found a spiritual blog community that would be receptive to my biologically-based views on ‘God’. Given that the conversation I’m entering revolves around psychiatric issues of one kind or another, I will try to keep my blog in line with that topic. You all are teaching me what interests you or, more to the point, what doesn’t. In the future I will put the long posts about memoir-related or spiritual topics on webpages separate from the main blog, and then just provide the links for those (few) who are intrigued. I also plan to (once again) try to keep the posts shorter. I’m not sure what my cut-off should be. Maybe under 600 words?

With this new resolve, and the fact that I am typing better today, my mood has improved. My left ring finger, wrapped in gauze, has the sensitivity and accuracy of an elbow. But it’s only real job is typing ‘s’ (‘w’ comes up rarely, and ‘x’ almost never); with practice, I am learning to get it right. As usual, my spirits bounce back when I accept things as they are. I need to be OK with my minor injury, and not hate myself for all it seems to imply about my loss of dexterity, trouble coming off Cymbalta, etc. (The things I whined about in my last post.) I need to recognize that blog stats are just numbers, and not the same as people. I need to be satisfied with having one or two commenters say they enjoyed a post. After all, that rewards me far more than when AwStats shows a large number of ‘visitors’ who may just be web-bots for all I know. I need to get used to the fact that my blog project will not take off immediately, may never take off, and that ‘taking off’ is not the goal anyway.

Like all of us, I have concerns about finding financial security. But the joy I get out of writing, and out of communicating with others who share my concerns, has nothing to do with money. I need to hold on to that truth, and not get distracted by my anxiety about paying the bills. As is so often the case, the rewards this task has brought me are different from the ones I hoped for. The large number of fine blogs, the difficulty in attracting attention, and the frustration of realizing people don’t want to hear my ‘loftiest’ ideas have made it obvious that notoriety and financial success are unlikely. On the other hand, I’ve made contact with special and sensitive people of like attitudes, and I am now writing far more than ever before. Even to someone with chronic desires for high-achievement (tempered only a little by a decade of failure), who was raised to value status and ‘winning’ over relationships and helping, those seem like pretty good results. Thank you to all of you who have helped me find this treasure.

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Darkness in the Wake of Antidepressant Withdrawal

fingers

I have no choice but to make this short (or what counts as brief for me): I only have one hand. Slicing broccoli normally doesn’t cause me problems, but as my mental condition deteriorates off Cymbalta, even routine tasks are becoming hard. The knife careened off the stalk I was skinning.

I like to put broccoli flowers in salads, and after I chop up the tops I always split the peeled stalks with Ralphy, one of our two dogs. Tonight the blade slipped as I was cutting off the rind, and I somehow managed to slide the tip of my left ring finger between the knife’s edge and the cutting board. The blade nearly sliced off the part of the figertip distal to (sorry for the medical term–’distal to’ just means ‘further out than’) the nail. My pain tolerance is high, but this surprised me with how much it hurt. The end of the finger obviously contains a dense network of nerve endings. Luckily, there was enough of an attachment remaining that after a long period of washing, and then even more time placing pressure to staunch the bleeding, Mandy was able to secure the little flap in place with an adhesive strip. As an operating room nurse, she would have preferred to drive to the emergency department to see if they could stitch the tiny piece down. As a former (ophthalmic) plastic surgeon, I felt that a successful job would have taken very fine suture and a high degree of skill. I did not think I would get that level of care for this minor problem, and a trip to the ED would only waste 3-4 hours driving, and who knows how long waiting to be seen. In the end, I would have come out with an adhesive strip–much like the one Mandy already attached.

Time was I never would have been so careless with a sharp blade. I prided myself on being able to handle knives, scalpels, etc., skilfully and safely. Now, ten years later, I am very much out of practice. My acquired ineptness with cutting instruments, combined with antidepressant withdrawal (which floods me with the distracting conviction that life is pointless, and also saps my energy levels) caused me to stupidly cut myself. So here I am typing with two fingers and a thumb on one hand, while I keep the other elevated to reduce swelling.

Before this injury, I had toyed with making my next post about the dreadful and permanent side effects I’ve suffered from taking psychiatric drugs. That would have been a big step, because I feel a great deal of shame. Yet doing so will ultimately help me heal and, more importantly, might serve as a warning to others. Maybe cutting off a part of myself was an unconscious way of putting off this decision. So, another time.

I would have a better outlook, increased energy, and sharper judgment if I went back on Cymbalta. But, mainly because of how similar drugs have wrecked my body, I just can’t bring myself to swallow that nasty little green pill. So I keep on in this deteriorating mode, hoping that things don’t get too much worse before they start getting better. I suspect my body needs to regrow a huge number serotonin and/or norepinephrine receptors, as per a post I wrote not long ago. Given how far I’ve sunk since I penned that essay, it seems like it could have been in another lifetime.

Mandy thinks I need to take a break from writing, and a number of other activities important to me, in order to give my fingertip the best chance of healing properly. Since my mood continues to take me to more and more maudlin and self-pitying places, that might be a good idea even without the finger issue. So for a little while I may spend less time blogging. If nothing else, I can concentrate on learning how to customize my blog functionality and layout. I have a stack of books on html, css, php, java, mySQL, etc, that I’ve been unable to devote time to because of the hours spent drafting posts and exploring blogs. I figure if writing never leads to an income, by acquiring programming abilities as I work on my site I will be in a position to look for work in computers instead. But to achieve that objective, the books need to be read.

Nothing as ambitious as success (either as a writer or programmer) will be attained if I don’t recover my emotional equilibrium. I can’t express how much regret consumes me when I think about how a therapist finally talked me into taking medications, and how I went ahead despite a lifetime of opposition to psychiatric drugs. My hesitation was born of watching my mother destroy herself with drugs given to her by psychiatrists, and now I have done exactly the same thing. Except that unlike her, I remain alive… Barely.

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Wouldn’t it be great if long-term antidepressant treatment worked?

Before antidepressants.

Before antidepressants.

After 1 year on antidepressants.

After 1 year on antidepressants.

This is a response to a post on the Hopeworks Community blog.I’m sharing it here because it rebuts arguments one commonly hears in favor of antidpressant medication.

Dear Hopeworks Community,

Personally, I believe you overstate the value of medications, especially in bipolar II/depression. (They are indeed quite effective against manic escalation. It is not impossible for someone with Bipolar I to go without meds, but it is difficult and takes discipline.) However, the efficacy of antidepressants is regularly exaggerated by psychiatrists and pharmaceutical representatives. Are you aware of a single long term placebo-controlled study that demonstrates sustained benefit of any antidepressant over time frames longer than a few months? I’m not. Approval trials typically last six weeks. And even in that short time period, usually not much more than half the population benefits (compared to 30% that respond just to placebo). Yes, when people first start antidepressants, they often feel better. But if they are someone with longterm problems with low moods, and many recurrences, (which is the story for most bipolar II patients) when you look a year later they are usually back to fighting depression. Only now they are stuck on medication that causes even worse moods and other symptoms if they try to halt drug treatment. Realistically, don’t you notice that mental health clinics are filled with clients in awful depression who also happen to be taking 3 or 4 or 5 medications? If pharmaceutical therapy works so well, why are there so many people like this? For acute depressions, especially prolonged situational depression, psychoactive agents can really help. They may also give those with more chronic problems a bit of relief while they learn better ways of dealing with their moods. But as a sustained strategy: medication just does not work. If long term antidepressants were often effective, I would be in favor of them; I am not reflexively anti-medication. But they are not.

The psychiatrist who claims he has “seen a few BP2 people who do not have deep depression make it [without medications], but they are the rare exception” is a psychiatrist who loses his patients after they realize they can find ways to deal with recurrent depression and hypomania without drugs. The only ones he sees are those who come back asking to be restarted on pharmaceuticals. Not only that, but once established on long-term drug treatment, it is all-too-true that patients find it exceedingly difficult to stop. But to say that bipolar II patients can’t come off drugs is very different from saying they are better off than if they had never been established on longterm treatment in the first place. And how hard does he work to very slowly taper his patients while providing behavioral means to manage their moods? A close family member required a 2-year taper off prozac, and she was just on the one drug. Imagine how much patience it would take for a psychiatrist to help patients get off 4 or 5 medications. Does he work that hard to achieve something he obviously does not believe in?

Therapy and counseling are indeed helpful. Not always those based on opening up (though for clients coming from traumatic backgrounds, as many with bipolar II diagnoses have, it may be vital), but especially those that provide behavioral advice (including promoting exercise) and cognitive training, along with something like meditation or spiritual support. And peer interaction can be lifesaving. But meds? They are not a rock opposing a hard place. They are just an ineffective pebble (with crushing, boulder-like side effects and dependence potential) opposing a condition that can often be ameliorated without longterm drugs. Unfortunately, those who have difficulty succeeding with behavioral/cognitive changes are unlikely to be helped by ongoing medications. Instead, they will just have drug dependence, with attendant adverse effects, added to their list of woes.

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Mind, Moods, and an Organic God

dnasculpture

My last post wore me out, emotionally and physically, so I’ve needed a break. But here I sit again, ready to write. The prior essay centered on structural changes in synapses, and how those relate to difficulties with changes in either behavior or medications. Loss of serotonin receptors following SSRI antidepressant use (e.g. Prozac), leads to a dependence on the medication. When SSRIs are withdrawn, the brain no longer has the receptor capacity to work with the lowered serotonin level which follows. So we get depressed. I have experienced this repeatedly in my efforts to lower my antidepressant load.

The brain gets used to certain inputs. Many pleasurable activities and drugs of abuse increase dopamine. Like serotonin, dopamine is a neurotransmitter used by a minute fraction of the brain’s neurons. When the nucleus accumbens, or ‘pleasure center’, gets flushed with this chemical, one feels deep satisfaction, sensual gratification, or even euphoria. Later, when dopamine levels drop, one may develop a desperate craving to get another burst of it. Hence: addiction. Possibly behaviors that lead to unpleasant moods, like isolating or ruminating on worries and problems, provide short term release of neurotransmitters that our brains ‘like’, even though the end result is depression. This portrayal simplifies the situation, like describing an epic film with one paragraph. But my point is just that on some level much of how we feel, and what we think or do, comes from shifting movements in the symphony of chemical interactions in the brain.

So what does this all say about human nature? Are we ‘nothing’ but conglomerations of proteins, neurotransmitters, and other biological molecules? In the last post I also mentioned Jeffrey Schwartz, MD, and his hypothesis that in addition to neurons and associated brain cells, our minds consist of something non-material, which he calls ‘mental force’. This entity could just as well be called our ‘soul’, since he believes it determines our decisions under the principle of free will.

I don’t accept this proposal. Not because I think free will is an illusion, or because I don’t believe in souls. I have conviction that both exist and are the vital organs of human life. My opinion, however, is that both human ‘spirit’ and ‘will’ arise from the matrix of matter itself. The intricate and finely woven fabric of our brains makes freely determined decisions, and houses our divine spark. Humans look for miracles, yet all the time we seek them we are living in their midst. Not only that, but each one of us is divine in every sense of the word. We don’t need to postulate some ethereal force that exists detached from the trillions of cells, each a tiny universe of activity, which have grown in unison and become the mysteries we call bodies. God does not need to speak outside of matter, because our atoms and molecules already sing God’s song.

pieta

To those who have faith in a different sort of deity: Maybe we aren’t of such opposing opinions. If you can accept that whatever God is, we don’t really understand it, then there is no disagreement. In that case, every sculpture humans carve of God or spirit must be incomplete. So who is to say whether we are looking at completely different icons, or just viewing the same monument from different vantages? If, on the other hand, your belief system is more fundamentalist and inflexible, and you cannot accept that other views might also carry a little truth, then you are probably not even reading this. But if you are, I hope you will just ignore my attempt at spirituality. Go ahead and consider me morally misguided, but still listen to the basic message: We have more power to improve our minds and lives than an industry based on selling psychoactive chemicals wants us to believe.

Even with the above proviso, I suspect that my spiritual ideas do not particularly interest those who visit this blog. So I’ll stop here with the philosophy. I only want to convince readers that whether by taking medications or changing our behaviors, we are tinkering with the intimate particles of our being. However, the two approaches (drugs and action) differ as coal differs from diamonds. They may be in the same category on some molecular level, but they diverge in beauty and endurance. Ingesting a chemical to improve one’s experience is akin to to reshaping an ice sculpture with a blow torch. The tool carries too much power, and acts too crudely to result in anything fine. “If you can’t feel better, drugs at least make you feel different.” At the price of (possibly) lifelong dependence on psychiatric chemicals, one (typically) gains a few months of relief from pain. Then, all too often, the pain returns. Only now depression comes encumbered with an addiction (what else to call it?) to drugs that no longer work. Stopping medications takes one from depression into the pounding heart of hell.

ice_torch

Much better to work on meditating, improving spiritual sensitivity, exercising, and adjusting thought habits. Maybe drugs can help for a little while. If so, doctors should remain ever-vigilant for the first opportunity to start withdrawing them. Let us use finesse to chip and carve the ice that encases our moods. Take our time and work hard, and we can sculpt our depression into tragic but nonetheless beautiful memories.

I guess this is a repeat of my last message. Hopefully, since it is (a little) shorter, it will be more widely read. I yearn for it to help someone. This kind of thinking comes too late for me. I am already addicted to psychiatric medications and must struggle my way free. This writing project would fulfill both my spirit and my will if a recently diagnosed reader found it useful, and if it bolstered a non-medicated regimen of mood care. If you are that reader, I pray that the uncountable molecules of your brain begin to dance in harmony. I have faith that you will choreograph a lasting peace.

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Prozac & other Bad Habits: how they affect neurotransmitters and brain circuit paths, and why they are hard to quit.

neurons

Today, my decision about topics comes down to two choices, both born of recent posts or replies to comments: 1) Bad Thought and Behavior Habits and how hard it is to change them; or 2) Discontinuing Psychiatric Drugs and how it is made difficult by receptor downregulation. The first has to do with why I often ignore the things that have been taught to me about how to be healthy. The second is about why I get so depressed when I try to stop (e.g.) Cymbalta. Then I realized that the two are related. They both have to do with fixed patterns of response in the brain. So this essay deals with both those issues. It is long (despite my resolution to keep posts under 500 words), and involves some physiology. But I think the connection between habits, drugs, and changes in the brain lies at the heart of many difficult emotional problems.

Of course, science understands drugs better than habits. When a negative behavior becomes habitual, so that we repeatedly cave in to it rather than do the harder thing that will make us feel better in the long run, millions (or billions) of cells across the brain may get involved. Many complicated neural centers of thought and action determine such bad habits. On the other hand, when our brains become habituated to the effects of psychiatric medications, the problem largely can be explained by changes in the levels of one or a few proteins. Since I know little about the psychology behind habits and resistance to change, most of this post will focus on receptors. I will try to draw (hopefully not make up) parallels between the brain’s adjustment to pharmaceuticals and its development of habits.

Many people on psychiatric medications have found that a drug may improve ‘symptoms’ after a few weeks, but then gradually works less and less well. This happens, in part, because the body reduces the number of receptor-proteins that respond to that drug, or to one of the natural chemicals the drug increases.

I started my medication odyssey with Prozac (fluoxetine). This drug blocks the removal (reuptake) of serotonin from the synapses in parts of the brain that use serotonin as a signalling molecule. The synapse is the small area that separates the pre-synaptic cell that sends a signal, in this case one carried by serotonin, from the post-synaptic cell that receives it. Removing the released serotonin from the space between the cells–the synapse–attenuates the message, so that it is time-limited, and doesn’t just go on ‘forever’. Since compared to earlier antidepressants Prozac is relatively selective in blocking reuptake of serotonin–but not other transmitters, it is an example of the SSRI class: Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.

Under normal circumstances, the pre-synaptic cell releases serotonin, but then sucks it back out of the synapse using ‘reuptake’ proteins. Without the reuptake mechanism, serotonin would persist in the cleft for much longer times, and at higher concentrations, than normal. In fact, Prozac accomplishes exactly that: it blocks the reuptake protein and so causes an increase in synaptic serotonin.

serotonin necklace

As an aside, only about one-thousandth of one percent of brain nerve cells use serotonin to send signals. Despite their small numbers, serotonin neurons affect many different parts of the brain. That explains, in part, why they have unwanted side effects: areas of the nervous system we’d rather not mess with (like parts mediating sexual response) are modulated by serotonin, just like the parts that alter moods. Another important point is that to date there is no evidence that depression results from an actual deficiency in serotonin levels, even though increasing serotonin activity does elevate moods.

So why does Prozac often quit working over time? In part, it may be because the cells respond to abnormal increases in serotonin by reducing the number of post-synaptic receptors for that transmitter. It’s kind of like what happens with noise. If you want to hear something really faint, like a soft whisper, you cup your hand behind your ear to increase your ability to make out the words. As the person speaks louder, you remove your hand because it’s not so hard to detect their voice anymore. If they start yelling, you might even plug your ears to tone down the volume. The post-synaptic neuron that detects the serotonin signal no longer has to listen so hard. So it reduces the number of proteins in its cell membrane that ‘hear’ the serotonin molecule. And the drug that increases serotonin, and that once had terrific effectiveness, now has less.

Naturally, there are complicating factors. For instance, Prozac may have an immediate stimulating effect, but much of its antidepressant activity is delayed by several weeks. This is thought to be due to changes in receptor numbers on the pre-synaptic cell. I won’t go into this wrinkle, because it does not change the basic fact that eventually serotonin levels increase, and that soon after the system adjusts to the elevated transmitter levels. Regardless of the details, the end result is that the brain settles back toward its natural state. It adapts to the increase in transmitter by reducing its sensitivity.

What happens when you stop the Prozac? At this point, your neurons are accustomed to increased serotonin levels. What was once abnormally high is now, according to your brain, the right amount. When you take the (reuptake inhibiting) drug away, reuptake goes back up, which (probably along with other changes) reduces synaptic serotonin. Since the brain has adapted to high serotonin, this reduction (back to levels that once were normal) feels like a deficiency. The serotonin system is under-stimulated, and you feel depressed. And because serotonin neurons are so widespread, other withdrawal symptoms are not uncommon. You might even be more depressed than when you first started Prozac. If you can weather the depression without killing yourself, there is a pretty good chance that your neurons will return to their original condition. Or maybe not. There is also a risk that not all of the changes are reversible. One line of evidence that suggests receptor downregulation may sometimes be irreversible comes from the fact that some people have long-term sexual dysfunction that continues after SSRI agents have been discontinued.

Either way, the habituation of your brain to the presence of Prozac (and other SSRIs) makes it a difficult drug to stop. The same thing happens with heroin users: the number of opiate receptors drops, and the addict feels horrible if her or she can’t get enough heroin. (In the brain, ‘opiate’ receptors normally detect peptides called endorphins; heroin and related drugs stimulate those receptors and thereby promote analgesia and euphoria.) Hence they have trouble springing back from ‘receptor downregulation’ just like Prozac users. A common name for this is ‘addiction’. For obvious reasons, drug companies and psychiatrists resist applying this term to the withdrawal symptoms people have when psychiatric drugs like SSRIs are stopped.

Now, back to habits. Could it be that similar adaptations to signal strength, protein levels, and other features in various parts of the brain account for why habits are so hard to break? When we try to alter our behavior away from the established pattern, do we experience a seeming deficit in some chemical important to feelings of well-being? This mechanism must be operative in bad habits involving substance abuse, like cigarette addiction. But would it be extending the analogy too far to suggest it explains my habit of retreating into depression after minor setbacks? Or how I avoid doing the things that I know will gradually lead to less depression (e.g., distraction, exercise, positive self-talk), and instead curl up in a darkened room because it somehow feels better at that moment?


To answer that, one confronts the question of whether all of our decisions result from neuronal activity. Surprisingly (to me) not all scientists agree with that notion, or at least not entirely. Jeffrey Schwartz, MD, published a book in 2002 with reporter Sharon Begley called, The Mind and Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force. In it, he uses obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as a model for how the mind and brain interact. On the one hand, he reports that PET imaging data imply that OCD results from faulty action patterns in the frontal lobe. he goes on to show how entraining OCD patients (via CBT techniques) with new behaviors changes those circuits, and that the better the patients become, the ‘better’ the circuits look. This supports the idea that bad habits can result from changes in neuronal circuitry (note that OCD behaviors are particularly bad and pernicious; I want to reassure OCD sufferers that I am not saying their condition is something you can just ‘quit’ like cigarette smoking–hard as that is).

OCDPETOCDPET improved

(Note: these images taken from the site linked by clicking on them. They were not obtained via CC license. Since they are promotional pictures on an OCD clinic’s website, and this is a mental health blog, I assume the developers would not mind. I do not have any affiliation with that organization, by the way.)

Schwartz also conveys the optimistic message that with training and intention we can change cellular connections. In other words, we can physically alter our brains to improve our lives (which brings up the giant topic of neuroplasticity, a subject for another blog). So Schwartz agrees that structural and functional elements in the brain determine habits, and that changing those elements is the key to improvement.

On the other hand, however, he argues that the intention to change behavior (and hence the brain), originates from something outside the physical structure of the nervous system: a so-called ‘mental force’. He is doing nothing less than postulating a new physical entity to add to the nuclear strong, nuclear weak, electromagnetic and gravitational forces already known by physicists. His argument is well-constructed, though it fails to convince me. (That does not mean I don’t believe in forces outside of matter, only that his reasoning and supporting data are insufficient to establish non-material forces acting in this instance.)

Whether intention originates in neuronal tissue or outside of it, it is nevertheless clear that behavior is grounded in the brain, that we can and often do change our behavior, and that doing so probably involves changing the structure and/or function of neural circuits. My whole reason for this long discussion is to make the point that while drugs quickly and efficiently change synapses and brain circuits, we can do the same thing (more slowly) with willpower, training, and practice. Breaking the habits that promote depression is then not all that different from recovering from long-term use of psychiatric drugs, although it is probably easier. In both instances we need to readjust synaptic activity.

Cognitive research has shown that to some extent persistent depression is about bad habits of thought and action. If we can break those habits, we can reduce depression. It may even be that improving thought and behavior increases brain serotonin activity, just like Prozac. However, unlike using a synthetic drug, in this case the neurotransmitter gets increased in just the right locations, not the whole brain. There is no problem with, for instance, anorgasmia or weight gain. We can accomplish the same thing as drugs, but without the side effects. It just takes the desire to change, and enough motivation to step off the easy and well-worn path. One needs to muster the courage to forge new trails and conquer new horizons. But drugs are not required.

Medications all-too-often only provide temporary relief. In some cases, a period of drug-mediated improvement in depression can give one the solid ground needed to step in a new direction. After that, the ideal decision would be to withdraw the drug in short order. I believe medications can play a useful, even vital role. But pharmaceutical agents can not, and should not be the only compass used to find a new way to live. Lifelong treatment with psychiatric medications is questionable, and despite what we are led to believe, most pharmaceutical agents lack scientific evidence of usefulness over long term treatment. So if drugs are used at all, they should be used in the lowest number, at the lowest doses, and for the shortest time possible. It takes much effort and time to change neural pathways without drugs, but the improvement is longer lasting, without side effects, and far more natural.

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Do Medications Limit Spiritual Growth?

Mandy has an eye for God in Nature.

This is another addition to the ongoing conversation between me and Marian at Different Thoughts.

Believe me when I say that it pleases me to the core to know that you have attained a place of peace and connection with the central currents of creation. I am very happy that you have found your suffering to be a path to such a healthy and profound axis. I do know of St. John of the Cross and believe wholeheartedly in the concept of suffering leading to wisdom. At my best, I have found myself in such a state of grace.

Unfortunately, I am not there right now. It has been an impossible condition to maintain, as you said. Right now, the suffering just feels tiresome. I experience the world as a place that doesn’t fit my psyche, like I should have been born on a different planet. I’ve been trying meditation, retreats, groups, reading spiritual books, attending mystical services, hanging around people with values I respect, finding those who believe in deeper realities. Yet that state of grace is outside my reach, for now. I don’t mind that, because I don’t expect life to always be bliss. But I do get very exhausted having no energy and no enjoyment. That is the feeling the pills reduce.

I don’t like the medications. I think they are my enemy. But one way or the other, my brain is now adapted to them, and the pain (withdrawal symptoms?) I feel when I cut back too quickly gets to be too much if it goes on for more than a month or so. That’s when I raise the dose again, in order to catch my breath before the next attempt at reduction.

But for my part the drugs do not feel deadening. The antipsychotics did, but not the antidepressants or the mood stabilizers. They just don’t have an effect on my sense of reality that I can detect, except that they take away the experience of my days as exercises in pointless pain. I am not talking here about existential suffering, awareness of the aching heart of human tragedy, or connection with the streams of sorrow that run like lifeblood through the history of humanity. I am talking about dull, meaningless pain that I get sick of and can reduce with a chemical. Am I happy about needing to do that? NO. Do I feel weak for resorting to the pills? Sometimes. But I do what seems like the right thing for me, for now.

At the same time, I don’t believe the medications block me from spiritual awakening, or connection with divine consciousness. Our brains are biological. I suspect there is a non-material spirit too, but the organic matrices of our brain play at least a large role in our experience. If you add a foreign chemical you alter the biology, but you do not change the brain into something entirely new. I don’t think every chemical has the effect of blocking spiritual growth, though some might. I have not found the drugs to be a barrier to spiritual connection. In fact, my peak spiritual experience in life, which far transcended anything else that’s ever happened to me, and was very similar to what the saints describe, actually occurred while I was on Effexor and Depakote. I don’t think those drugs did anything to cause my epiphany, of course, but they did not prevent it either.

It is also important to remember that some spiritual traditions actually employ chemicals to foster spiritual enlightenment. Even the Roman Catholic church incorporates wine in its services. I know, at present the little sip of wine at communion is purely symbolic. I strongly suspect, however, that the early church founders did some actual drinking as part of their rites.

My point is still the same: each person is unique, and every path is different. I am relying on chemicals right now because I am trying to make my transition off the drugs without killing myself or making my wife miserable. And yet, I have had many days (not very recently, but not all that long ago, either) when my spiritual state was such that everything made sense and suffering became irrelevant: I was on a higher plane. I know that condition exists, but I can’t be there all the time, and as long as I’m living an ordinary existence I want to try to enjoy it.

I am glad that you have found your way to union with the grand consciousness. I fully respect that for you that has meant clearing your brain of pharmaceuticals.

Not everyone can reach union, whether they take medications or stop them. And for those that do, not everyone will do so the same way. There are many paths to God. For some, drugs may slam the door. For others, they may open it. For me, they do neither. My path to the heart of creation is open sometimes, and closed others, without regard to how much medication I’m on. It may have to do with lunar cycles, or simply with some variable rhythms in my body. Or perhaps I just try harder sometimes than others. But I am absolutely convinced that it is possible to get there now, or at least sometime not too long from now, and I don’t need to wait until every last psychiatric medication is out of my system.

Please understand that my ultimate goal is to be drug-free. So I embrace your philosophy on its basic level. However, I am not sure if I will ever achieve total freedom from psychoactive agents. It would be very discouraging if I thought that I would never experience God as a result. Fortunately, I know that to be false. I have before and will again experience the divine touch; I will feel in my innermost self the purpose, beauty, and power of suffering. In the meantime, I choose to live my life with a little less of the dreary kind of pain that is about as enlightening as pounding my thumb with a hammer.

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Mental Illness: Gift or Curse?


This post responds to Marian’s response to my response to her initial post about the movie The Doctor Who Hears Voices (got all that?).

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I don’t disagree. And it’s not too radical.

I regret ever starting medication. But now that I’m on them, if I reduce the dose too quickly I get depressed. Yes, I can tolerate depression and even see some majesty in understanding how deeply sad and messed up the world is. But after weeks and months of that, suicide starts looking like a really, really nice option. I would have ended my life long ago if not for my wife. Since I don’t want to wreck her world, I choose to increase the dose to give myself at least a little will to live.

I don’t care whether you call it ‘disordered’ or ‘gifted’, it makes it hard to live. So hard that I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. Is it genetic? Probably; my mother killed herself. Is it environmental: Yes; I was horribly abused as a child. Do I care? Not really; all I know is I get very little joy out of life much of the time, and especially if I reduce the medications too quickly. That lack of joy is what led me to take drugs back when I started in 1995. They worked at first, then quit working. Now, like Alice in Wonderland, I need them just to keep from falling deeper, but I don’t get anywhere solid.

Cognitive techniques, acceptance training, meditation, etc., all do much more than drugs. And when I practice them diligently I do OK. But my point is that in my case whether it’s a gift or not it wrecks my life. There may be some nobility to that, but I don’t want to be a martyr and accept all the suffering of mankind at the expense of any enjoyment in life.

I don’t hear voices. I had one long episode of florid psychosis, during which I had powerful spiritual experiences, and some visual hallucinations with a chorus of angels singing in the background. Very beautiful. Went to the psych ward and had it hammered down to mere ‘delusions’ with haldol. I regret that. I don’t think it was illness; it truly was Grace. I’d gladly live in that state forever, regardless the consequences to my life.

But if I had voices telling me to kill myself and others, especially if I was trying to practice medicine, I’d probably get tired of it. Maybe those voices are demonstrating the truth: yes, the world is a painful place and what people are doing to it and to each other is brutal and ugly. Maybe suicide and homicide are the natural responses to this place. But for my part I would not want to live with that message being shouted at me day in and day out.

My impression from the film was not that Ruth’s voices left her. Rather, she learned to live with them. Good for her. I would not have made that choice, but it was a brave decision and I applaud her.

I use the term ‘psychiatrically disordered’ as shorthand for ‘having a mind that works in a way that doesn’t fit well with the modern world.’ It would be great if the world would change, but of course it won’t. If one wants to accept all the difficulties that having a ‘different’ mind bring, I don’t see any problem with that (provided the person doesn’t harm anyone besides himself or herself). I don’t even see anything wrong with suicide (outside of the pain it causes loved ones): in my opinion it is a perfectly rational response to this culture.

But many people want to try to fit in. My impression has been that for some people, the drugs help. When I get really hypomanic I sometimes am glad to take a pill to get some sleep. Yes, that reduces the edgy excitement of my experience, but I accept that. If I heard voices telling me horrible things all the time, and if a pill would help I would take it. Even if it meant reducing the range of my experience.

My concern is suffering. I understand that suffering is inevitable, even magnificent. But it gets tiresome. And it can lead you to kill yourself. Since I am not ready to do that yet, I take the pills that keep me from the deepest recesses of my abyss. Like I say, I wish I’d never taken the first one. I think I would probably be about where I am now, only I would not have the necessity to take a Wonderland pill just to stay alive. But whether that is true or not, I am currently taking the medications to take the sharpest point off my pain, though always trying to reduce the dosages.

Like I say, I don’t disagree with you. But (in this response to your response) I stand by the initial point I made in my comment about your post: every case is unique. I just want to be respected for my own choices and my own take on things. And I believe everyone else deserves the same.

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Medications Are Not All Bad

I really don’t think they are (all bad). They get over-prescribed. I also think psychiatrists turn to new drugs that have little track record, rather than using older, less flashy drugs that are at least known quantities. One reason for turning to novel substances is that the old medications don’t work that well; usually, however, the new ones don’t either. The more pernicious reason for prescribing the recently released chemicals is drug industry demand for profit margin.

Anyone who spends time in a psychiatric ward as clinician or observer rather than a patient (I’ve been on the ward in all three capacities at different times), can see that medications really appear helpful in some cases. There is a perception that the meds are just to control behavior, and they do get used that way; other times, however, there is genuine suffering and bewilderment, and the drugs seem to help.

The same is true in outpatient settings. Sometimes people are in such pain that more conservative measures have no chance of success. Medications can bring symptoms down to a level where a person can engage his or her recovery. The problems come up when too much medication is prescribed for too long a time. In particular, I suspect that many people could eventually be weaned off most (not necessarily all) medications over time. However, there is little incentive to try. The drug companies discourage the loss of sales; the doctors don’t want the extra work of handling patients who might decompensate, and often the patient (or family) is frightened of setbacks. It takes time, work and commitment to get someone off medications. It is so much easier to just leave them as-is: heavily medicated.

So my message is not that drugs are bad. Just that new ones should be used cautiously, and all drugs should be used in the lowest dose and for the shortest time possible.

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