WillSpirit!

Where Will meets Spirit
∞ Love, Clarity, Balance, Peace, & Bliss ∞

A science, mental health and spirituality blog written by a physician.








  • Red_Exclamation_DotDisclaimer
    • Dear Visitors:
      Although I trained and practiced as a physician, my background does not include formal instruction in psychiatry beyond basic medical education. This journal presents ideas about treatment philosophy, but must not be considered therapeutic advice. Abrupt changes in one's psychiatric medications can trigger profound cognitive, emotional, and physical symptoms, including suicidal thoughts and actions. Consequently, pharmaceutical agents should not be increased or decreased without supervision by a mental health clinician.

    • ON THE OTHER HAND, your brain belongs to you, and your opinion counts. If you decide that changing your medication regimen will serve your best interest, then I believe your providers have an obligation to help you try to achieve your goals. I want everyone to be educated about their options, and do what will be most helpful for themselves. No one should feel pushed around by dogmatic and/or limited viewpoints, whether those of psychiatrists, anti-psychiatry advocates, or myself.


Psychiatric Drugs: Miracles or Placebos?

Sharing my journey through the mental health system, and especially my successful withdrawal from psychiatric medications, seems to have struck a chord with readers. Many have left comments stating their own desire to break free of pharmaceuticals. A few visitors have expressed reservations about my stance on these issues, because they have found psychiatric drugs helpful and life-enhancing.

The two positions (a belief in the value of medications and a desire to break free of them) are not mutually exclusive. There is no reason a person couldn’t credit drugs with saving his or her life, and still hope to someday be liberated from taking them. But there is obviously a tension between faith in pharmaceuticals and the desire to live without drugs.

The following text was cobbled together from my replies to the desires and concerns of readers. It explains at some length the fallacy in believing pharmaceuticals to be potent weapons against mental chaos. The next post will argue against long-term use of medications without trials of drug reduction, and also offer some suggestions for tapering off pharmaceuticals.

It is undeniable that people seem to get better on drugs. However, although there can be little doubt that the active agents in medications are sometimes responsible for the observed improvement, the placebo response and other factors need to be kept in mind. Pharmaceuticals are seldom prescribed in isolation. When someone presents to a psychiatrist for care and gets better after receiving a drug prescription, it is hard to dissect out how much of the recovery comes from the active agent in the pill, versus the support, encouragement, and therapy that go along with participation at a mental health clinic. Many people who get better on medication are recovering because of their mind’s own hidden powers, elicited in the context of a supportive environment, and not because of the pharmaceutical chemical.

One commentator pointed out that patients may try several medications without success, and then finally be given the ‘right’ drug combination, after which they get better. This sounds suggestive, and perhaps in these cases the pills are making a big difference. But in every real-world situation many other factors are at play, so it’s also possible that the supposed ‘ideal’ drug cocktail is merely a coincidence: it happens to be chosen around the time when improvement would have happened anyway. Only controlled, randomized research could settle this question definitively.

When placebo-controlled research is performed that adjusts for the myriad other variables in treatment, drugs never appear particularly decisive in their effect. In a typical ‘successful’ study, 60% of those who take a medication show some level of improvement, whereas 40% of those on placebo recover just as much. By these numbers, only one person in five who gets better on a psychiatric drug is doing so because of the chemical agent in the pill. Four out of five are improving for other reasons.

And of course the published research has been heavily biased to demonstrate efficacy. When all of the suppressed, failed studies are added to the analysis, the active agents in drugs look even less helpful. On the basis of careful review of both published and buried research, Psychologist Irving Kirsch has concluded that antidepressants depend almost entirely on placebo action for their effectiveness.

The tendency of the mind to respond to suggestion can hardly be overstated. Although the word ‘placebo’ carries a connotation of ‘fake,’ it really should awaken us to the healing power of expectation. In a future post I’ll explore placebo action more deeply. For now, I just want to highlight that medications may help us feel better for reasons other than the neurological effect of the synthetic chemical.

Having expressed some reasons for doubting the widespread perception that these drugs have nearly miraculous powers, I must emphasize that medications may be useful in the short run in many cases. Possibly they are also necessary on a more chronic basis at times. But given that research evidence supporting their value is weak, whereas their ability to cause serious side effects is undeniable, drugs should not be looked at as the most important, reliable, or safest tools available to aid those suffering psychic distress.


Note: in moving this text over to my other blog, Guideposts to Happiness, I made some revisions and divided it into two posts. Such edits in transfer are a common practice for me, but I usually allow WillSpirit! to maintain the original version. However, in this case the reworked presentation reads a lot more clearly, so I’m coming back to alter the format here. The section above appears on GTH with the same title, but it ends at this point. The essay below will soon be published on GTH under the title, “Drugs for Life?”


DRUGS FOR LIFE?

Although my last post argued against viewing psychiatric drugs as scientific miracle pills, it remains true that some patients experience decisive improvement on medication. I believe such individuals are fortunate. As my writings have made clear, I did not enjoy much success with drug treatment.

Lack of efficacy combined with dreadful side effects led me to taper off the medications, slowly and over several years. If the pills had worked for me over the long haul, I’d probably still be taking them.

Pragmatics, not ethics, determine my opinion here. I see little reason to argue against pharmaceuticals in those cases where life feels enhanced and neither adverse effects nor expense have proven troublesome.

Even so, as a physician I can affirm that limiting the number and dosage of medications to the minimum necessary for the desired effect is always a good policy. As a human, I can endorse occasional reevaluation of life strategies as a wise practice.

The pharmaceutical industry promotes the misconception that psychiatric drugs are, essentially, vitamins: permanently necessary for mental health. This is simply untrue. Some patients may need medications for life, but clinicians do us a huge disservice when they assume this without proof. The only way to know for sure is to occasionally try the alternative: professionally guided drug reduction.

Lacking helpful clinical advice, and often out of frustration, many patients stop taking pills in hope of living drug-free. Unfortunately, abrupt cessation of pharmaceuticals almost always leads to decompensation. Although the desire to discontinue medications is natural, quitting too quickly can cause profound deterioration if not hospitalization. Unthinking clinicians view the downward spiral that follows sudden drug cessation as evidence that the patient has an illness that requires chemical treatment, but it’s more likely a sign that the brain has become habituated to the drug and that the withdrawal was too rapid. Only by slow, careful tapering can a person’s condition on less or no medication be fairly assessed.

Pharmaceuticals too often get prescribed for years and decades despite a striking lack of controlled evidence for benefit with such prolonged treatment. At the same time, it’s all too easy to substantiate the harm drugs can cause when used for extended periods. Unfortunately, it is easier for psychiatrists to keep writing scrips than it is for them to undertake the difficult work of assisting with medication reduction. They also fear malpractice liability should a patient harm self or others (though this risk is probably minimal when tapering is done properly and with good communication). So countless patients end up on potentially toxic pills for life without ever getting a legitimate try at doing without.

Drugs can be helpful, especially early in one’s recovery. But after a time on medication, as one gains familiarity with calmer, more balanced mental states, one often feels ready to cut back on pharmaceutical support. It may make sense at that point to try measured reductions to see if the recovery remains stable with less intensive treatment. One might find that hypomanic energy (for instance) that once felt intolerable can now be managed or even used to advantage. Such a trial would be a personal choice that should made in consultation with clinicians.

Getting completely off medications once seemed impossible to me, but it turned out to be achievable. Most important to my success was learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without acting them out. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was instructive in this regard. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy also helped, as it taught me to avoid exacerbating psychic distress with distorted thoughts. In addition, mindfulness meditation practice helped me observe my feelings and thoughts without buying into them. Regular exercise, helping others, and like-minded social contacts were also vital in supporting this work.

For me, successful drug tapering hinged on my going slowly and remaining in touch with mental health professionals who supported my goal of drug reduction. Since I knew they shared my long-term agenda, I trusted them when they suggested I should increase the dose of a medication temporarily. I did this several times in the four years I spent tapering. I’d go up on the dose until some transient stress resolved, or the winter days got longer, or I simply felt stronger. I tried to avoid rigid refusal to take pharmaceuticals, but I never let go of my long-term hope of reducing the medication load as much as possible. In the end, I was able to completely stop, but if it had been necessary to continue on a low dose, I would have done so without feeling bad about it.

What matters is balance and contentment, not some misplaced philosophical purity. If medications bring a person to a better state, feel like the right choice at the time, and don’t cause harm, I see no reason not to use them. But it still makes sense to take a second look from time to time.

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Grandiosity Extinguished

DioceseFire

When I returned from my Thanksgiving retreat, my spirits flew high. So much positive feedback had come my way during that weekend, it seemed to confirm my suspicion that my past has given me an outlook I should broadcast to the world. That grandiose intuition first ignited during my religious ‘visions’ ten years ago, and has waxed and waned ever since. Soon after the retreat I dove into a heartfelt poem, followed by a string of rambling essays about spirituality. In the throes of feeling ‘called’ to speak out, I envisioned myself becoming a bit of a celebrity, offering wisdom to the world. I did not see this coming notoriety as something my efforts had earned, or my ego devised, but as something handed to me by fate. Or ‘God’ if you want to look at things that way.

Would anyone be surprised to learn that the response to my spirituality posts has been underwhelming? Or that my rosy optimism has been replaced by a more jaded perspective?

The cold waters of reality have doused the flames of grandiosity. For one thing, I read the book ‘How to Write a Book Proposal’ by Michael Larsen. Browsing in the library, I wanted input about how to deliver my message to a large audience. The book offered lots of advice in that regard. Problem is, much of it sounds like it’s beyond my grasp. If one wants to be a messenger in today’s world, it takes more than sitting at a computer and writing. You start by joining Toastmasters, work to build your presentation skills, scramble for every opportunity to speak, network widely, join societies, offer workshops, etc. I have a friend who is doing all these things, and has done so for years. It is finally paying off, but it has been a mammoth effort, and in my most sober moments I have to admit it does not look like something I could accomplish.

To start, the basic necessity of hard work daunts me. Back when I slogged through medical school and residency, strenuous labor and long hours were second nature. But that was long ago. Nowadays a productive day sees me writing for four hours. Even that can’t be done all at once, or my neck pain builds to breathtaking extremes. If I manage four such days in one week, I am doing well. I’m just being honest here. I know it’s whining to complain of my inability to work. At least I have the luxury of living without a job, thanks to a good disability policy that kicked in as soon as I lost a surgeon’s earning potential. I am fortunate that my physical limitations and psychological vulnerability have not driven me into poverty. With that acknowledged, it is also true that becoming a person people flock to for insight requires a level of effort that I have not achieved in a very long time. Not to mention the professional socializing and cold introductions I’d have to master. I’m an introvert both by innate personality and as a result of an upbringing that taught me the safest approach to life is to hide under a bush.

The spiritual series will continue, though today is a break from all that. What I’m setting aside is the dream of widely dispersing my method for moderns to feel spiritual. Instead, this project will bolster my sense that life means something, but will only provide a bit of amusement for a few others. I hope to intrigue those who find my blog and are persistent enough to wend their way through my prose. But I fear that will be the extent of my voice. Not that this would be insignificant. I believe it to be a worthy pursuit, but it will not improve many lives. I have not completely discarded the ambition of building a larger audience, but right now that seems unlikely.

This dose of reality leaves me free to ask what it is I most enjoy writing. Is it memoir? Is it philosophy? Is it ranting against pharmaceutical malfeasance? If the audience will remain small no matter what I choose to say, then why not say what gives my heart wings? And that, of course, is what I’ve done with this site all along.

Did my bout of grandiosity rise to the level of clinical mania? My sleep suffered, and I’d have gotten almost none without Ambien. The pace of my speech accelerated. My grip on the reality of my limitations relaxed. I opened to others in unprecedented ways, and if I had not been married might have pursued a fling. On the other hand, I did nothing impulsive. Did not spend unwisely, did not have an affair, did not gamble, did not drink. My behavior remained more or less acceptable, though I displayed more emotion at the retreat than normal for a fifty-year-old man. But isn’t that one of the points of retreats, to open up?

Why am I tempted to make a mood swing into an illness? Probably because it would make me feel less uncertain of ‘me.’ If I could ascribe my recent excitement to a disease separate from my core person, I would not be left asking what’s wrong with me. I would not have to puzzle over who this person is that can be silent, withdrawn, and discouraged one day, and voluble, intimate, and excited the next. But cutting myself off from the loopy side of my personality would be a copout. Better to embrace my occasional quirky behavior and soaring ambitions. Even if I fail to rescue the world from its rigidity and insistence on limiting the human mind, I can at least be me. I can be a person with turbulent emotions, passionate dreams, and creative visions. I can continue my efforts to combine logic with lyricism. It may be that others will see me as odd. Or maybe it’s only me that does. Either way, I can love myself, be happy I differ from the norm, and speak up. Isn’t that one of the goals of life, after all? To be ourselves, to be proud, and to give voice to our most heartfelt values?

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Freedom from Cymbalta, Flights of Fancy, and Highfalutin Philosophy

contrail

Last night sleep came. Since stopping Cymbalta 13 days ago, most nights have provided only a few hours of true dozing. Once or twice in the past fortnight I took zolpidem to knock myself out. But that does not lead to refreshing slumber, just a kind of drugged unconsciousness. Even with the sleeping pill, no more than five hours were spent sleeping; the rest of the night passed with me either laying in bed trying to relax, or else reading and eating blueberries (there must be a bumper crop this year, the prices are so low). But yesterday I retired early, then slept almost ten hours without awakening. What’s more, after arising I sat in our hot tub like I often do, but afterward got out and dozed for another hour.



We have a two-person spa on our deck, with a fine view to the east. Most mornings as dawn brightens I sit in water heated to 104° F (40° C), while I take in my surroundings in a silence broken only by a few buzzing insects and the first active birds. I leave the nozzles turned off, since I dislike the mechanical noise. I overlook a line of forested ridges rolling toward Yosemite, where the horizon is jagged with granite peaks. With an early enough start I am rewarded by a view of the sun rising into a salmon-colored sky, usually cloudless and marred only by the contrails of passenger jets in the stratosphere. These aircraft cross over the Sierra Nevada mountains on the last leg of their flight to San Francisco. One time I looked out the window during such a flight, and saw Yosemite Valley below the wing, looking like a small broken slab of gray stone. As I soak in the morning, loosening the tension in my damaged neck, I look up at those specks gliding through the twilit sky, and wonder about the travellers drinking morning coffee while looking down at the expanse of conifer forests and rock mountains. I wonder if it occurs to them that someone lives among those trees, watching them as they soar in the upper reaches of the atmosphere. I think about how insignifcant my corner of the world must look from their perspective, my home invisible in the green carpet of sugar pines. It amazes me that we will never know each other, that we will each live our entire complicated stories, each entirely unaware of the other’s drama. Our only connection is my fifteen-second reverie about a stranger in a jumbo jet, drinking coffee as her plane travels hundreds of miles per hour, drawing a rose-colored line across the dome of morning sky. Today such warm water thinking put me back to sleep.

After all that, my point is that I feel better. Yesterday my mood stayed pretty solid, with only a slight dip toward depression in the afternoon, something I experienced my whole life up until starting SSRI antidepressants. This morning, after finally getting up for good, I have been productive and energetic. Could it be I am finally getting past the Cymbalta withdrawal syndrome? The past two weeks have been brutal. If I did not have a strong commitment to survive and be here for my wife, suicide would have been the likely result of how badly I felt. Life seemed so very pointless, and not at all worth the torment roiling in my heart and soul. Countless times each day I dreamt and prayed (to the extent that I pray, since the God of my belief is not the kind that keeps an ear to the mutterings of mammalian nervous systems) that I just drop dead on the spot. Now I feel ready to engage my corner of the earth once more. Not that I am thrilled to be alive, singing like Julie Andrews on a grass-blanketed mountainside. No, I am still the not-too-optimistic failed surgeon. I sit before a small computer screen connected by a wire to my even smaller laptop, typing with nine fingers and one elbow (actually a finger in a thick dressing). The hillside I gaze upon is covered by an expanse of dead weeds baking in the August afternoon sun. But today I am pleased enough with this little drama of mine to stay in the production until it finishes its natural run. Once more, I survived all-out assaults launched by the mood-demons who dwell in darkest recesses of my mind. Thank you, big Pharma, for marketing a drug that required me to weather such torment in order to release myself from its grasp.

That altering my brain chemistry by withdrawing a drug had such an effect on my worldview brings to mind, once more, my curiosity about what it means to exist as a human consciousness. I wrote earlier about the origins of decisions and intention. This ordeal has made me wonder, too, about the locus of attitudes and feelings about life. When something as fundamental as whether I think my story is worth living can be affected by removing a synthetic chemical from my bloodstream, then who am I? Is there ‘nothing’ more to ‘me’ than proteins, and cell membranes, and DNA, and myriad organic molecules? That kind of musing resurrects my whole philosophy about the relationship between living things and (what I for convenience call) ‘God’.

Aside from feeling that the Cymbalta wash-out may be behind me, I also cheered up after looking a bit at my web statistics. OK, OK, I know doing that is pointless. Numbers are not my objective, and obsessing about how many computers connect with my site will drive me (even more) nuts. Still, I noticed that my post ‘Is Depression Sane?‘ has been viewed two-and-a-half times as often as any other. This strikes me as great news, because I enjoyed writing that essay, and it touched on a number of philosophical points. I like to include in my blog my homespun views about the mind, mental distress, and how one can lead a satisfying life. Knowing that one of the essays that most does that also attracted the most interest encourages me to continue.

I resolved to keep my posts short. What I’ve written so far is the introduction to my real topic: the relationship between the chemicals that traverse my brain and the ‘person’ that the organ produces. In particular, how does an organism acquire the gifts of pleasure and pain, instead of just having a drive to move toward or away from certain stimuli and experiences? Rather than launching into that now, and even further exceeding my supposed daily word quota, I will put the topic out there as something to either look forward to or avoid, depending on your attitude.


(I modified this post on 2009 August 13, c. 23:00 PDT.)

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Cutting off Cymbalta, and other things.

fingers

I have no choice but to make this short (or what counts as brief for me): I only have one hand. Slicing broccoli normally doesn’t cause me problems, but as my mental condition deteriorates off Cymbalta, even routine tasks are becoming hard. The knife careened off the stalk I was skinning.

I like to put broccoli flowers in salads, and after I chop up the tops I always split the peeled stalks with Ralphy, one of our two dogs. Tonight the blade slipped as I was cutting off the rind, and I somehow managed to slide the tip of my left ring finger between the knife’s edge and the cutting board. The blade nearly sliced off the part of the figertip distal to (sorry for the medical term–’distal to’ just means ‘further out than’) the nail. My pain tolerance is high, but this surprised me with how much it hurt. The end of the finger obviously contains a dense network of nerve endings. Luckily, there was enough of an attachment remaining that after a long period of washing, and then even more time placing pressure to staunch the bleeding, Mandy was able to secure the little flap in place with an adhesive strip. As an operating room nurse, she would have preferred to drive to the emergency department to see if they could stitch the tiny piece down. As a former (ophthalmic) plastic surgeon, I felt that a successful job would have taken very fine suture and a high degree of skill. I did not think I would get that level of care for this minor problem, and a trip to the ED would only waste 3-4 hours driving, and who knows how long waiting to be seen. In the end, I would have come out with an adhesive strip–much like the one Mandy already attached.

Time was I never would have been so careless with a sharp blade. I prided myself on being able to handle knives, scalpels, etc., skilfully and safely. Now, ten years later, I am very much out of practice. My acquired ineptness with cutting instruments, combined with antidepressant withdrawal (which floods me with the distracting conviction that life is pointless, and also saps my energy levels) caused me to stupidly cut myself. So here I am typing with two fingers and a thumb on one hand, while I keep the other elevated to reduce swelling.

Before this injury, I had toyed with making my next post about the dreadful and permanent side effects I’ve suffered from taking psychiatric drugs. That would have been a big step, because I feel a great deal of shame. Yet doing so will ultimately help me heal and, more importantly, might serve as a warning to others. Maybe cutting off a part of myself was an unconscious way of putting off this decision. So, another time.

I would have a better outlook, increased energy, and sharper judgment if I went back on Cymbalta. But, mainly because of how similar drugs have wrecked my body, I just can’t bring myself to swallow that nasty little green pill. So I keep on in this deteriorating mode, hoping that things don’t get too much worse before they start getting better. I suspect my body needs to regrow a huge number serotonin and/or norepinephrine receptors, as per a post I wrote not long ago. Given how far I’ve sunk since I penned that essay, it seems like it could have been in another lifetime.

Mandy thinks I need to take a break from writing, and a number of other activities important to me, in order to give my fingertip the best chance of healing properly. Since my mood continues to take me to more and more maudlin and self-pitying places, that might be a good idea even without the finger issue. So for a little while I may spend less time blogging. If nothing else, I can concentrate on learning how to customize my blog functionality and layout. I have a stack of books on html, css, php, java, mySQL, etc, that I’ve been unable to devote time to because of the hours spent drafting posts and exploring blogs. I figure if writing never leads to an income, by acquiring programming abilities as I work on my site I will be in a position to look for work in computers instead. But to achieve that objective, the books need to be read.

Nothing as ambitious as success (either as a writer or programmer) will be attained if I don’t recover my emotional equilibrium. I can’t express how much regret consumes me when I think about how a therapist finally talked me into taking medications, and how I went ahead despite a lifetime of opposition to psychiatric drugs. My hesitation was born of watching my mother destroy herself with drugs given to her by psychiatrists, and now I have done exactly the same thing. Except that unlike her, I remain alive… Barely.

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Cymblahta Redux
& writing about feelings.

Photo of tree and bruised sky.Five days ago I quit Cymbalta. Because of some its side effects, periodically I stop it for two days. This time It ended up being three, and after that I just could not bring myself to restart it. Today, day five, passed with little problem. I feel a bit nauseous, kinda sweaty, and I am not sleeping well at all. I have a familiar aching dread in my chest, and a sinking feeling in my gut, as I always get with depression. But I am not depressed. My body feels all the awful stuff, but my mind is staying pretty upbeat, or at least neutral. I am prepared for a rough few weeks coming up. Don’t be surprised if I give up and start the drug again. Somehow, however, I think this might work. My attitude has shifted. That last post really cemented my developing philosophy of accepting and even savoring my ‘negative’ moods. So they don’t scare me as much. So I can tolerate the feelings better. So maybe I’ll succeed.

Wish me luck. I’ll probably need it.

I am keeping this post short. The last one consumed time and, more to the point, energy. I have needed to recharge. Plus, I imagine my readership, to the extent I have one, gets tired of the long and confusing essays. They don’t say much about me after all. This little post is to just keep the habit up, to say hello to all, and maybe open up a little more. Not that I have fear of letting others know me, but my natural tendency is to think and write about my thinking, rather than feel, and write about emotions.

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