Wow! There are so many mental health blogs to read. It’s enough to make an insecure manic-depressive jump off a cliff. How can I possibly stand out in such a throng?
Oh well. I’m used to being put in my place. If this past decade had a purpose, it was to teach me humility. Where once I could tell people I was an oculoplastic surgeon, all I can say now is that I have started a blog. Well, who hasn’t? I’m trying to show up in mental health circles on the internet. I read the successful blogs about the subject. (I’d read less successful ones, but how do I find them?) Since I always think I have something to add, I post lots of comments. I keep plotting a direction for my own work.
As I write my comments, It seems inevitable that one of my insightful observations will attract attention, bringing readers back to my own site, but no luck so far. Maybe the comments aren’t all that insightful after all. Inevitability inevitably fails.
It’s not easy being a psychiatrically ill former physician (is it easy to be any kind of human?); I feel like people should take me seriously, just because I was once successful and my history is fairly unique (you’d probably agree if you knew even half of it). But in this society the question often is simply, “what have you done lately?” Watching my past glory fade into my current obscurity hurt for a long time, but not anymore. I now feel happy to be free of the pressure to compete. It is a pleasure to be an ordinary human, and not worry about trying to be better than others.
On the other hand, I would like my message(s) to get out. If I could get someone to listen, I think I have important stuff to say about mental illness and psychiatric care. Maybe my experiences would help others. Maybe they could avoid my mistakes, and reach happiness sooner. Nothing would please me more than having someone struggling with mental illness derive benefit from my history.
Believe it or not, I used to think it would be kind of cool to have a bipolar I diagnosis. So much more interesting than ‘mere’ depression. It pleased me when I started to come out of my manic psychosis/religious ecstasy and I realized that I was now officially manic-depressive. I had always read about bipolar artists and writers, and I was happy to join the club. Pretty naive, don’t you think? I now realize that many people are frightened and turned off by mental illness. I understand that it looks like weakness to others (even though I know it takes strength to survive the storms of emotion that come with bipolar disorder). I see now that it might have been better to hide my psychiatric problems. But I already told everyone who would even half listen about my religious ‘delusions’, my hospitalizations, medications, and so on.
Since everyone around me knows the story, whether they wanted to or not, I figured I had nothing to lose by starting a blog. So what if the whole world knew my story?
It is now obvious that the whole world could not care less. There are so many bigger problems, more famous people, and better writers. Not to mention more than a hundred million blogs! (Or is it two hundred million?) What’s a poor former surgeon to do?
Keep writing. Keep hoping. Keep living.
I am prepared to fulfill my mission–to bring light to others with mental illness. But will anyone ever hear me? What can I do to make it happen?
Keep writing. Keep hoping. Keep living. My new motto.
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